Accustomed to Her Face - Ch 4

Accustomed to Her Face

By Amok2

RATING: PG quickly going to R. It’s neuro-pressure folks!
DISCLAIMER: Paramount and UPN own the entire Star Trek universe. I only live in their world and their characters just visit mine. I gain nothing but personal satisfaction. Most of the time.
GENRE: Romance quickly getting to Angst, T/T

SPOILERS: “Home” rumors. I found that the more I found out, the more discouraged I got. I had to reset myself to continue nonetheless. What follows is going to stay as true to canon as I can abide, but I have taken very good advice to heart – thanks Bucky et al. These are the scenes we wish TPTB would show us…

A/N: I just had to remember that these are two inherently noble characters and that whatever I write, I wanted to be true to that.

NOTES: At last, neuro-pressure. But a warning folks, it’s a bumpy ride ahead.

Chapter 4

5 days from Vulcan…
Inside the Vulcan shuttle Haulan

When you get caught between Earth and Vulcan, a little neuro-pressure could help pass the time. Or so Trip hoped.

He blinked a couple of times, wondering if he had just heard what T’Pol asked. Whatever fogginess Trip might have had before disappeared.

“Are you sure? It’s been weeks since we’ve had a session,” said Trip, who remembered perfectly the last time they’d had a neuro-pressure session-- it had progressed into much more.

“It is obvious that you have not been sleeping, and in the past neuro-pressure has been an effective means of remedying that,” said T’Pol.

“I can’t argue with you there,” said Trip. “To tell you the truth, I’ve been looking forward to another session for awhile now.”

T’Pol stood up, looking down on him. He looked up at her with a sheepish look on his face.

“There is more room on the sub-level, Commander,” said T’Pol, who turned around and walked to the hatch leading downstairs. She was already on the ladder heading down when she turned her head toward Trip. “Commander, are you going to join me?”

Suddenly meek, Trip nodded and got up slowly. “I’m right behind you.”

T’Pol disappeared below deck. At the hatch, Trip hesitated, shaking his head and scratching the back of his head with one outstretched arm.

It’s just neuro-pressure, he said to himself, like a mantra. He took a deep breath and started descending the ladder.

When he reached the floor, he turned around. He had to squint to adjust to the light down here. He had noticed the dimming light as he left the bridge. And then he saw her.

T’Pol had changed into her robe. Her back was to him as she lit candles on the shelves surrounding the room, which was bare except for a bunk adjacent to the far wall and a few books neatly stacked on the only table in the room flush against the opposite wall.

T’Pol finished lighting the candles and turned around. She nodded once toward the mats on the floor.

“Please lie down on your stomach,” T’Pol said.

Trip, who was already stripped to the waist and wearing sweatpants, nodded and complied. Facing the ladder, he closed his eyes and rested his head on crossed arms.

T’Pol began her familiar ministrations, moving her hands slowly and methodically across Trip’s back. Little by little, he felt the tension leave his body. Hours seemed to go by. He was nearly asleep when he felt her stop. He immediately sensed the absence of her hands.

He lifted his head up, blinked his eyes opened and mumbled, “Why’d you stop?”

“I believed the point of neuro-pressure is for you to sleep, Commander. You seemed on the verge of peaceful slumber, so I ceased.”

“I was relaxed, that’s for sure,” said Trip, who shifted on his side to face her. “But I wasn’t asleep.”

“Yet,” said T’Pol.

Trip smiled. “You’re right, I was almost there. You’ve got magic fingers, T’Pol.”

T’Pol glared at him.

“Really, Commander, if you choose not to take this seriously, I see no point in continuing these sessions,” T’Pol said, rising up from the floor. She had already turned around when she felt a hand on her arm.

“Wait. Don’t go,” said Trip, who had quickly scrambled to his feet. T’Pol stopped, though her back was still to him. He felt the tenseness throughout her body as he gripped her arm. “I appreciate what you do for me, T’Pol. I appreciate you. I may joke about it from time to time, but I mean it, I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last year without you.”

“I’m sure you would have found a way,” T’Pol said, almost so quietly he couldn’t hear her.

“I’m sure I wouldn’t have,” said Trip, who tugged lightly on T’Pol’s arm to turn her toward him. He reached around to her other arm and held her at arm’s length in front of him, but she still wouldn’t look at him.

“Look, we’re both wound up. It’s not too often we’re in such confined spaces for so many consecutive hours. I think you may need some neuro-pressure, T’Pol.”

At that, T’Pol’s eyes shot up at him. “Let me help you. Please.”

T’Pol slowly nodded. Trip released the breath he’d been holding and let go of her arms.

T’Pol took a step in front of him so that her back was to him and she was facing the wall. She undid her robe as she knelt. Trip watched the fabric slide down to her waist, revealing her bare back, before she lay down on her stomach, mirroring his earlier position.

He wiped his suddenly clammy hands on his sweatpants and knelt by her side, taking a deep breath before he began.

As he pressed his fingers into her smooth back, he felt a tremor pass through her body. He pulled back and ran his fingers lightly across her vertebrae. Again he felt a slight shudder.

Concentrate, Trip. Keep focused. Stay on target.

He returned to the technique T’Pol had taught him, carefully kneading the muscles and pressing his palms and thumbs on either side of her vertebrae. He tried to ignore the small sighs he heard coming from her.

Stay focused. It’s only neuro-pressure. It’s only neuro-pressure. A friend helping another friend, that’s all.

Who was he kidding?

It took every ounce of restraint in him to keep doing what he was doing, but he remained steadfast in applying the technique – and nothing more.

Trip momentarily lifted his hands from her back and pulled back slightly when T’Pol rose and walked over to the bed. She sat with her back to him and crossed her arms in front of her, and looked back expectantly at him.

Déjà vu all over again.

Trip rose, shaking the numbness from his legs and coughed to cover the tension that permeated throughout the small space. His eyes traced the lines of her back, the taut muscles there and in her arms. T’Pol followed his movements closely so that when he sat down behind her, their eyes never left the other. He stared into her eyes for what seemed like a very long time before he nodded and she turned around.

He could feel his heart racing, but he cowboyed up. Trip reached for her shoulders and began working the muscles surrounding the clavicle, then down her spine. With each touch, he gradually began to lose all sense of time and place. It was almost like entering a meditative state where the only thing that existed was him touching her.

Then he heard a sharp intake of breath – almost a gasp – and stopped.

“A little to the left, Mr. Tucker,” T’Pol said, with the barest hint of a quiver in her voice.

Apparently, neural nodes were going off all over the place.

Trip complied, pressing further into the joint where her shoulder met her arm. He leaned close, breathing softly and steadily near her left ear. He risked a quick look at her and her reactions and almost stopped at what he saw.

T’Pol looked very much like a woman enjoying herself. Immense, ecstatic enjoyment. Her face reflected tension and relaxation, dilating pupils, eyelids struggling to stay open, and something else…

Trip moved his fingers to the right until his hands were on the left side of T’Pol’s neck. Pressing into her clavicle and neck, he could feel her pulse. And it was racing – and getting faster the closer he moved to her.

Trip was so caught up in this observation that he was caught off guard when she abruptly turned her head so that her lips were less than a centimeter from his. Both drew in a quick breath. Trip removed his hands from her neck and allowed his head to move forward, slowly, tentatively until his lips touched hers.

When she responded – first with hesitation, then with the passion he remembered the first time they kissed – he wrapped his arms over hers, still crossed on her chest, and pulled her flush against him.

After a few moments, T’Pol shifted and turned herself around to be fully captured in his arms and to put her own arms around him, running her fingers up and down his back. Trip fell back on the bed and brought her, still kissing, with him. The next couple of minutes passed with the two in languorous exploration, arms and legs entwined and touching, always touching.

Then Trip started to feel the pressure building to an uncomfortable level below his own decks and it was enough to shake him into a moment of sanity – enough to pull him back from her and gently push her back on the bed while he caught his breath above her. T’Pol’s frowned as he pushed her away from him. He moved to her side and leaned against her on his right side, taking a deep breath and pressing his palm against his forehead, wincing just a little bit.

“What is the matter? Are you in pain?” whispered T’Pol, who reached for Trip’s hand on his forehead, clearly concerned.

“Not in the way you’re thinking,” said Trip, who pulled his hand back from his forehead and turned it around to hold T’Pol’s hand. He opened his eyes and locked with hers. He brought their entwined hands to his lips and kissed her hand, looking at her to reassure her that he was all right. She nodded and shifted on her side. Trip scooted down so that he was lying next to her and facing her while still on his side, still holding her hand. He pulled up the blanket that had been hopelessly tangled with them and covered them.

“What is wrong?” said T’Pol, whose face was still flushed. Trip had to close his eyes to keep from staring at her swollen lips, which he desperately wanted to kiss again.

“I’m fine. There’s not anything physically wrong with me that a cold shower wouldn’t fix,” said Trip, who let slip a small grin. “I’m more concerned about us. This. What we were about to do.”

“It is not anything we have not done before, Trip,” said T’Pol.

Oh, so it’s Trip when we’re making out.

“Believe me, I remember,” Trip said. “But things are different now. You’re about to get married.”

T’Pol’s face fell, as much as it could. But Trip saw it.

He spoke quietly, “I just don’t want us to do anything we’d regret later.”

“You would regret having sexual relations with me?” said T’Pol.

“I would regret being your last fling before you get hitched,” said Trip.

“Fling?”

“Fling: ‘a brief sexual relationship or a period of carefree enjoyment, especially before a more serious or worried period,’” said Trip. T’Pol’s right eyebrow raised the slightest bit. “You’re not the only one who can memorize a dictionary entry.”

“You think that is how I would characterize this?” T’Pol whispered.

“Isn’t it? Didn’t you tell me how I couldn’t have sex without becoming emotionally attached? While you implied you could? To me, that sounds a lot like you think of making love with me as a fling.”

“I find nothing carefree about my feelings for you,” said T’Pol.

Trip started blinking rapidly, could feel his heart start to race again. Though he tried to steady himself, his voice was hoarse as he asked, “You have feelings for me?”

T’Pol removed her hand from his and brought it to his face, cupping his cheek. “I thought that would be obvious by now, Commander.”

“Those would be positive feelings, right?” said Trip, whose facial expressions showed various stages of surprise and happiness.

T’Pol didn’t say a word. Instead she leaned in to kiss him. The kiss deepened for a moment before T’Pol pulled back.

“I hope that conveys positive adequately. Do you need to be convinced further?” T’Pol asked.

“No, no, I think you’ve been very persuasive,” said Trip, smiling. He took her hand in his and kissed it. He slowly stroked her knuckles. “I guess you already know how I feel about you.”

“You could elaborate, if you wish,” said T’Pol.

“You don’t make it easy on a guy, do ya?” said Trip, chuckling. “There was a time when I thought the best place for you to be was in an airlock,” prompting T’Pol to raise an eyebrow before Trip quickly completed his sentence, “But now I think the best place for you to be is…well, next to me.”

“I am next to you now, Trip,” said T’Pol.

“I realize that, T’Pol, but as much as I’d like to be in this position for a long, long time,” he said, shifting closer to her, “we both know it’s just not possible.”

“For one thing, you’re getting married,” said Trip.

“You’ve mentioned that,” said T’Pol.

“And I don’t know why you’ve been avoiding any conversation about it,” said Trip.

T’Pol turned away from him.

Trip moved closer to her and pulled her close, even as she tensed. He whispered into her left ear, “Is it because you’re having second thoughts? Is there some way you can get out of this?”

He tightened his grip around her waist. “Is that it? Is there a chance you don’t have to go through with it?”

Trip leaned his head against T’Pol’s bare shoulder in frustration. Then he felt her hand on his. Her fingers closed around his. He lifted his head, waiting for her response.

“I do not know. I do know that I have been conditioned since childhood to accept Koss as my consort. And bonding with him would mean the redemption of my family.”

“I know all that already. What don’t I know, T’Pol?” said Trip.

“My feelings for you have complicated matters,” said T’Pol.

“Complicated how?”

“Vulcans chose logic and rational thought as a means of advancing a society rooted in violence, in impulse, in killing for the choice of mates,” said T’Pol. “Our lives are orderly and predictable – ensuring stability that is necessary for our culture to survive. Divergence from that threatens everything I was raised to believe. My feelings for you mean that I may never be able to carry out my bond with Koss and fulfill my obligation to my family.”

“You feel like you’ve already bonded with me?” said Trip.

“Vulcans are touch-telepaths,” said T’Pol.

“Meaning what?”

“Meaning we can feel what others feel, can see into their minds, can become one with them,” said T’Pol.

“All through touching someone?” said Trip.

“It was why we have discouraged physical contact except when absolutely necessary,” said T’Pol. “Our neuro-pressure sessions would be considered highly unusual – mostly for the fact that I have introduced a human to the practice. I did not anticipate being able to have such ready access to your feelings. But you are not Vulcan. I should have taken more precautions.”

“So you’ve been feeling what I’ve been feeling?” Trip gripped her hand tighter.

“Yes,” said T’Pol. “And my attachment to you has grown, despite my best efforts to suppress it.”

“And mine to you,” said Trip.

T’Pol turned around in his arms and faced him. “I do not know what to do. I know I cannot feel for Koss what I feel for you, but I also know that I cannot allow my family’s suffering to continue, if I can do anything to stop it,” she said.

“And whatever hurts your family, hurts you,” said Trip. He sighed. “And the last thing I want is for anything to hurt you, if I can help it.”

Trip leaned into her and kissed her passionately. Then he pulled away from her, but a hand remained on her neck, his thumb stroking her jaw. Unshed tears were in his eyes as he said, “What I wish is that we could forget all about family, all about obligations, all about anything else except us, this. But you and I both know that’s not possible. It would go against the things that make us who we are – and why we’re probably as…attached as we are with each other.”

“I came into this trip thinking I could convince you somehow to change your mind, that somehow the reason you wanted me here was to help stop this from happening,” Trip said. “But darlin’, you would never be able to forgive yourself if you didn’t go through with this wedding. You would never be able to forgive me for making you choose. So I can’t. Make you choose.”

“You do not care for me? You would rather I marry another?” said T’Pol.

Trip pulled her close. “I didn’t say that. You know I care for you. I care for you a lot. And the last thing I want to do is to let you go.”

“But I also know how important it is for you to be true to your culture,” said Trip. “It is who you are, T’Pol. On a ship filled with humans, you were able to hold onto your identity. Because of your Vulcan upbringing, we made it through the Expanse and missions before that. And we’ll continue to, so long as that part of you is intact.”

“You’ve already defied them on so many levels – rejecting Koss three years ago, resigning from the High Command, staying on Enterprise, being with me – and I’m worried that going against your culture further is going to break that fundamental thing about you that makes you who you are,” said Trip. “I’ve seen how hard it’s been for you to control your emotions, T’Pol. You can’t hide that from me. And I know it’s my fault – at least partly. I don’t want you to lose yourself.”

“You see me as weak,” said T’Pol, who lowered her head.

“No, not at all,” said Trip, who tipped her head up toward him. “You are one of the strongest people I know. But you have sacrificed some of your control in the past year. I’m the last person to criticize anyone for being emotional. But with you, you haven’t been raised with the same ways of dealing with it, with releasing it and not letting it overwhelm you.”

“You can help me,” said T’Pol. “You can give me guidance on how to handle these emotions.”

“I can do that. I will help you any way I can. But wouldn’t it be better for you to handle your emotions with someone from Vulcan? I will always be your…friend, T’Pol,” said Trip. “I will always…hold you close, even when you are far.”

“Touching, yet not touching. Apart, yet never apart,” said T’Pol.

Trip’s brows furrowed. “What?”

“It is part of the bonding ritual on Vulcan. It is one of the phrases we say when we are bonded as children. It is what we repeat when we see our mate,” said T’Pol, who embraced Trip and spoke with her head over his shoulder. “But no ritual on Vulcan will change what we have shared, what you mean to me. You are who I would have chosen, had I the choice.”

If Trip hadn’t already been lying down, he would have had to sit. As it were, being in a horizontal position made his knees buckling a little bit easier.

But there it was, T’Pol had laid herself bare to him, completely vulnerable. And in doing so had humbled Trip completely.

“Trip? Are you all right? I have never known you to be speechless,” said T’Pol, who had pulled back to look at him.

“A few weeks ago you couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with me. What changed your mind?” said Trip.

“It was our encounter with the other Enterprise,” said T’Pol. “I realized from my counterpart that I was reacting to my own fear when I was pushing you away.”

“What were you scared of?”

“Of my feelings for you, of not being able to control myself and losing myself,” said T’Pol. “But I saw how much she missed you, how much she had valued her time with you – with him. She said she could not imagine her life without you. And now, I understand what she meant.”

Trip could not hold back his own feelings any longer. He swept her up in his arms and began kissing her with abandon. T’Pol returned his kisses, but stopped when she felt wetness on her face. She pulled away and saw tears streaming down his face.

“Trip?” said T’Pol, concerned. She wiped his tears away with her thumbs, her palms pressed close to his jaw.

“You’ve made me very happy, T’Pol,” said Trip.

“Then why are you crying?” said T’Pol.

“Because I’m so happy,” said Trip, who leaned in to kiss her again. T’Pol soon abandoned further conversation and returned to finishing what they had started.

But what Trip didn’t tell her, what he hoped she wouldn’t be able to sense, was that sharing these feelings would only make it harder for them to do the right thing once they arrived on Vulcan.

But for now, they would be together.

Chapter 5

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A whole mess of folks have made comments

a wonderful addition! I'm so intrigued! Keep up the good work! ;)

Oh man, this is so angsty I don't think I breathed through the entire thing! I love this line: "You are who I would have chosen, had I the choice.” Sniff! Beautiful Amok2!! :)

A lovely story, Amok2, and clearly written from the heart. I only hope that the "official" writers handle the story with as much sensitivity! I'm glad you chose to continue with this. Sash

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh i would be soooooooooooooooo happy if this is how 'Home' goes

You made me cry. Hasn't happened in a while with fics... nice job.

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup, what DAK said: I don't think I breathed through the entire thing.

Wow and double-WOW! That was *most* excellent!!!

That was beautifully written and I loved your insight into Trip and T'pol. I am wondering though why Trip is so convinced that marrying Koss is the right thing for T'pol to do. When T'pol sought his advise when the marriage thing came up a year or two ago Trip advised asked T'pol what she wanted to do. Did she want to marry Kos or stay on Enterprise. She chose to stay. Hasn't she the right to make the same choice again now. Surely T'pol cannot be the first Vulcan to want to back out of an arranged marriage. I look forward to seeing where you take this.

This is one of the few cases where I wish the author (YOU!) would shoot canon to hell.

There has to be a way for TT to wind up together. If T'Pol's mom already sensed the affection T'Pol has for Trip before this journey, then I can hardly wait to see her reaction now... or Koss' (may he die immediately and decay!)
;-)
And T'Pol quoting the marriage vows to Trip... sigh...

Don't let us wait too long for the next chapter.

Superb, absolutely superb! :)

AWWWWWWWWWWW! Happiness and sadness all balled up. I'm overjoyed and sorrowful, becouse it may all come to an end. :( Marvelously written.

*sniffle* *sniffle* Dat was bootiful!

Well, that was aboslutely beautifully written. Count me among the people who held their breath. Please post your next installment soon. :-)

I do believe if they don't get together in this story I'll pass out because I couldn't handle anything else! You wouldn't do that to me... would you? :(

Oh my god you've gotta write more!!!!!! This is excellent!!!

I love it !

Yeah, what they said!!!

Damn, I need another kleenex!!

Sniff, big sigh.......

Oh wow, poor Trip, poor T'Pol! I hope they find some way out of this moral dilemna. Funny, all I could hear inside my head as I read this was Long John Baldry singing "Let the Heartaches Begin". In the name of Surak, I hope this turns out happier than the song. Ali D :~)

*reaches for the tissues* THis is absuolutely beautiful! You HAVE to write more!

The angst is killing me! Too much angst! My poor heart can't take it. Sigh. [<:-)]

I still don't understand why T'Pol is going through with the marriage even after her future-self from an alternative reality said that she should chose Trip as seen in "E2". If she can't trust herself, who can she trust. T'Pol's choice is very simple. Take the safe path and marry Kos, which will mean that she will be a respected member of Vulcan society in a cold, dry marriage with nothing interesting happening in her long life with Kos. Or T'Pol could take the more difficult path and continue her relationship with Trip, which would mean that she would be considered an exentric by the Vulcan's and live a happy, content and short life with Trip. Since she has alredy left the Vulcan High Command and joined Starfleet as a Science Officer as seen in "Borderland". I think it would be reasonable that she continue on that course with Trip. I am sure the Vulcan High Command will not be too please with her choice to take a commision with Starfleet and most Vulcan's would consider such an act to be exentric to begin with.

I am surprised that Trip dosen't talk her out of marrying Kos. He has done it before when his emotional outburst changed T'Pol's mind about saving the mission when Archer was injured in "Broken Bow". Trip is being very noble and is giving T'Pol the chance to chose her own path. I hope she has the wisdom to make the right choice and not the easy one.

Is T'Pol too overly emotional for a Vulcan? It may be that she is that way only around Trip. I hope she gains some control when they reach Vulcan.

I wonder how the Vulcans will take Trip. I wonder if many humans have taken trips to Vulcan? Since it has been 50-70 years since first contact, I am sure there must have been a few human visitors to Vulcan? Trip will probably stand out like a sore thumb on Vulcan. I am sure he will take pictures of everthing with his camera as seen from is actions in "Strange New World".

Anyway, I can not wait for Chapter 5. Please post it soon!

Opps!! Forgot to add my name on post above. Oh well.

This is definitely what I wish TPTB would show us on "Home". The angst and the characterization is well written.
I hope to read Chapter 5 soon.