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Author - Clicks | Genre - Angst | Main Story | Rating - PG | S
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A.N.: Thanks to Stub for beta-ing it for me.
I hurt him. That night we slept together really meant something to him, and he admitted that to me today, in the shuttle bay. He told me that he can never forget being with me.
I feel guilty not just for using him that night, but for the intervening years when he has been my staunchest friend. He was the one to support me as I battled my addiction; he helped me more than anyone else, my anchor in the storm. I ask myself how he could face it, when the addiction was the cause of such pain. I asked him too, he said it was because he loved me, and no matter what happened, or what I did, he couldnít abandon me.
I wish he had. I donít deserve his love. I have never deserved his support.
I wish heíd told me before. To have had this burning within him for so longÖhow did he bare it? Who has given him the support that he has given me?
Heís gone now. I will probably never see him again.
Heís gone down to the planet below on what is to all intents and purposes, a one way trip. Heís going to rescue Lieutenant Reed and Ensign Sato. If this was five years ago I would have informed him it was a foolish mission. I did try to tell him exactly that, but they are my friends too, I only made the attempt because I donít want to lose him as well.
He told me that he had to go; they were like family, he couldnít just leave them there. I said it was illogical to do it. His response was that illogical though it might be, he had to go. I told him that if it was I down on the surface, I wouldnít want anyone to risk themselves coming after me. He said if it was me, he would have been there even faster.
I didnít know how to reply. I couldnít understand why I might be worth a speedier response than Malcolm or Hoshi.
He saw my confusion and enlightened me. He stood so close to me that I could feel his warmth and he told me. He told meÖeverything. How he hadnít realised until I made my advances how much he wanted me, and how he had only realised after how strong his feelings for me were after he had been forced to leave by the tactical alert. The next day, when I assigned the title of experiment to it, it had hurt beyond belief.
Not my only experiment to end in heartache; the Trellium-D had nearly torn me apart, and that had been an experiment.
That was when I asked why he had stuck by me. My addiction had to have been a constant reminder of what I did to him. He gave his replyÖhe loved me.
I tried to question it. I tried to make him see that he was being illogical.
ďLove isnít logical, TíPol. More often then not, it hurts like hell.Ē He followed it up with a kiss that evoked every sensual feeling I ever felt towards him; a kiss that took my breath away.
Then he simply turned away and entered the shuttle; a soft, wistful smile twisting his lips.
As I sit here in my quarters, I remember the trouble I had after he had gone that night. I had always blamed my weakness on the Trellium-D, and its effects. I felt for him things that I didnít want to acknowledge to him or to anyone else. I had to work so hard to recover my control that letting people know that I had been acting on emotions that were already there seemed to be unconstructive, and it was easier to blame them on my dependence; another thing I hadnít wanted anyone else to know about.
And now I might never be able to tell him the truth. I might not be able to repair some of the damage I have done.
He is right. It does hurt like hell; it hurts so much I can barely breathe.
I am the cause of so much heartache for him, and I canít tell him how sorry I am. I canít tell him that I have strong feelings for him
I deserve the heartache that I now feel myself. I deserve to have everything I inflicted upon him, inflicted back upon myself. I have used him for my own purposes for so long, and he has asked for so little in return. I used him for sex, and then I used him for support. I used him when I needed somebody to back me up when I confronted the Captain, and I used him to connect with the rest of the crew. I have used the man I care for deeply, and he does not know how I feel. He may never know how much I think of him.
How can I go on knowing that? He will never know that his affection was reciprocated. I will never see him again. How can I continue to walk the corridors of the ship without seeing his face everyday?
I have started to cry. I havenít cried in so long. Should I be allowing myself to lose control like this? It is so illogical.
But I might never see him again. If I must grieve for him, should I do it now, away from the prying eyes of the crew? They need not know how much I need him. They need not know how much my thoughts dwell on him; how irrational this is making me.
Already his absence is affecting my control, how did I come to rely on him so much? I am supposed to follow the teachings of Surak; I shouldnít be affected by his leaving. I shouldnít grieve for him at all. I donít want to grieve for him at all; I donít want to pretend that I donít feel a thing, as I must if he doesnít return. Please come back Trip Öyou are my Storm Anchor.
A/N; people who want a sequel; Iím not sure Iíd be too good at it. This was written whilst in a blue mood. Any sequel would turn out like super-fluff, because Iíll probably be feeling better by then.
Have a comment to make about this story? Do so in the Trip Fan Fiction forum at the HoTBBS!
A whole mess of folks have made comments
Bring on the the super fluff!!!! I want to know what happens next.
Thank you! I am so happy that someone finally adressed the fact that Trip is T'pol's anchor!
This was a fine story. I'll admit it, I cried a bit at the end.
great story but sad. i think you should write a sequel.
That was really wonderful. I do think Trip loves T'pol and will stand by her and not ask for much in return but I am not so hopeful that she will ever return those feelings for him. But whatever happens I do belive Trip will always be her anchor!!!
"THE END"? Noooo, you've got to give us more. You never leave a story this open-ended with this group of Trip/T'Polers, we'll never get over it.
You know I was thinking about writing something for Damage since it's like two months away... I've been in a bad mood too lately... I guess I'm not the only one! This was great! I must ask for a sequal... I think you'd do just fine.
Super-fluff?! Yes, PLEASE!!!!
I don't care if it's superfluff! I need to know if Trip makes it and if T'Pol confesses her feelings for him. Pleeeeaaaasssse! Sequel! Sequel! Sequel! I honestly hope yer feeling better Clicks.
I want to now what happend next pleeeaaassee??????????
I did enjoy this but it begs a sequel if only to stem the ache in our hearts at the possible loss of our favourite engineer. I love it that T'Pol is finally being honest with herself over Trip. Please consider writing a sequel, perhaps from Trip's point of view as he goes down to the planet. Then hopefully a reunion! Thanks, Ali D :~)
I had tears in my eyes and my poor heart was literally aching when I read this. I say bring on the fluff, I'm sure I'll be needing it!
I liked this story -- very well done -- but I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I like the angst, butI need the fluff! . . . and this story cries for a sequel.
Please continue the story