The Thorn and the Rose - Part 6

THE THORN AND THE ROSE

By Dinah

Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: see part 1

Part VI

CHAPTER 20: T’POL

T’Pol stood alone in the stark stone chamber. The young attendant had wanted to stay and help her dress, but T’Pol had sent her away. She could change into her robes later. She didn’t want any company. She didn’t want a witness to her struggle.

The smell of candle wax permeated the air around her, but instead of bringing her comfort, it only called forth forbidden memories of evenings spent with Trip. Quickly suppressing those thoughts, she began to pace restlessly around the room. What was wrong with her? She had carefully prepared for this moment. Their bond had been dormant for months. He wanted this. She wanted this. It was the logical thing to do. It should be so simple, but it wasn’t. What about her feelings for him – had she buried them deeply enough? When the time came to bare her soul, could she continue to deny him?

She stopped and shook her head. She had to meditate. Walking over to one of the white mats, she dropped to the floor and sat cross-legged. Time was running short. Closing her eyes, she began her breathing exercises. She quickly realized that she could control her breathing, but she could not control her thoughts. All of her fears quickly surfaced. Were they really committed to being apart? Severing a bond could be dangerous to both parties if the desire to separate was not sincere. Was this a risk worth taking? Was she willing to pay the ultimate price? And what of the danger to him? She shifted nervously then straightened her back and tried once again to center herself. Breathing slowly in and out, her mind drifted in a fruitless search for the tranquil white space where she could begin to make sense of things. But what if he, too, was meditating? What if she reached her white space and found him there waiting for her? Did she really have the strength to turn away from him?

As she struggled with her concentration, she was suddenly aware of movement close by. Opening her eyes, she saw Soval standing before her.

“T’Pol, you must not do this,” he said softly, but with a hint of steel in his voice.

“I am trying to meditate,” she answered tightly. “Please leave.”

“I cannot stand by and allow you to endanger the life of another.”

She took one more deep breath then slowly got to her feet. “This matter does not concern you, Ambassador. Commander Tucker and I have agreed upon this course of action. I must see it through.”

“Commander Tucker may have agreed to this, but it is not what he desires.”

“How do you know this?”

“I have touched his mind, and I know that he still cares for you.” Soval took a step toward her. “He is in love with you, T’Pol.”

She shook her head and abruptly turned away. Her lips pressed together as she fought against the surge of emotion that swept through her. He still loved her. After all they’d been through – after all she’d done to hurt him – he still loved her. What had she ever done to deserve such devotion?

When she turned back, there was no mistaking the concern in the ambassador’s eyes. “You touched Commander Tucker’s mind?” she asked disbelievingly. “He allowed this?”

“He was unconscious.” When T’Pol bristled he added, “It was the prudent thing to do. He was not behaving like a man who was no longer interested in his bondmate. I had to know the truth.”

“You believe that he will be harmed if we attempt to sever our bond?”

“Yes. I shouldn’t have to remind you that severing a bond against ones will is tantamount to ripping away a portion of the mind. Under the best of circumstances, this ceremony places great demands on the Vulcan physique. The human body is considerably more fragile. When you take into account the passionate feelings Mr. Tucker still has for you, there is little hope that he would survive.” Soval studied her carefully. “I believe that you are in danger as well,” he added gently. “You do still care for him, don’t you?”

T’Pol hesitated. She had to choose her words carefully. “He is my friend.”

“I think he is considerably more than that.” Soval walked over to the bench at the far end of the room and, shoving her robes aside, sat down. “It is obvious that you care for each other. Why do you wish to sever your bond? Is it because he is human and you are Vulcan?”

“No. That has not been a barrier between us.”

“Your union would be very difficult, but it would not be impossible. When you discussed bringing your relationship to an end…”

“We did not discuss it.”

Soval stared at her incredulously. “You have never talked about ending your relationship?”

“It was a decision that I made.”

“Don’t you think that Commander Tucker should have been consulted?”

“I did what was best for both of us,” T’Pol whispered. This conversation was making her increasingly uncomfortable. “I did what was logical, given the circumstances.”

A frown creased Soval’s brow. “Commander Tucker believes that you no longer care for him. He thinks that you have entered into a relationship with Captain Archer. Is he correct?”

T’Pol shifted nervously then walked over to the bench and scooped up her robes. After leaning over and depositing them on the floor, she sat down next to Soval. When she started to speak, she could not bear to meet his eyes. “I did not discourage those thoughts.”

“But why?”

“I was concerned for the commander’s safety. The best way to protect him was to bring an end to our relationship.”

The look on Soval’s face indicated that he was clearly perplexed. “Explain.”

“After the death of our daughter, I was overwhelmed by my emotions. The commander…Trip…helped me to regain my control, but the demands I placed on him were too great and his health began to suffer. I could not allow that to continue. We had to be apart. I knew that if Trip believed that the captain and I wished to be together, he would step aside and our relationship would come to an end.”

“You lied.” Soval’s voice began to rise.

“I never stated that I cared for Captain Archer.”

“Why practice deception when it would have been far more logical to bring this out into the open and discuss it?”

T’Pol dropped her head. “It has never been easy for us to talk.” She knew that her answer was weak at best, but it was the truth.

“You, of course, know that Commander Tucker is still unwell.”

“The illness is not the same, but yes, I know that he is unwell. It is of great concern to many members of the crew. Unfortunately, he has refused all help. Even the captain can no longer reach him.”

When Soval remained silent, T’Pol looked over at him. His lips were pursed and an inner battle seemed to be taking place. When he finally spoke, the words were said softly, but with deliberation. “There are some things I need to tell you, but they must be kept in confidence.” When T’Pol nodded in agreement the ambassador took a deep breath and continued. “Even though you have hurt him deeply, his affection for you is undiminished. He clings to his memories of your time together; they seem to give him strength. Unfortunately there are other thoughts…darker thoughts that concern me.”

T’Pol swallowed hard. “I would like to know what they are.”

Soval turned to face her. “He feels responsible for many of the tragedies that have occurred since the Xindi attack on Earth.”

“That is absurd.”

“Of course, it is absurd; nevertheless, that is what he believes. He is also afraid that any implications of mental instability will put an end to his career.”

T’Pol groaned inwardly. So many things were beginning to make sense. “That is why he would not allow Doctor Phlox to treat him.”

“Yes. He believes that once his medical records show any hint of an emotional breakdown, he will never be given command of a ship. In fact, he fears that he will be forced to leave Enterprise.”

“Captain Archer would never allow that to happen.”

“Be that as it may, his fears are not unfounded, T’Pol. Starfleet cannot afford to have unstable officers in high-profile postings.”

“He is not unstable. He is the strongest man I know.” She would not countenance this negative assessment of Commander Tucker. “He was under tremendous pressure in the Expanse and his conduct was beyond reproach.”

“He is confused and weighed down by guilt, grief and worry. And you have only made the situation worse. He does not understand why you turned away from him.”

T’Pol got to her feet. With her arms wrapped tightly about her, she paced over to the doorway and back again. “I have been a fool,” she said with bitterness in her voice. She knew that what Soval said was true. She had tried to protect Trip, but ultimately she had only succeeded in making the situation far worse. When Trip’s world was falling apart – when he needed her the most – she had abandoned him.

“Commander Tucker will be regaining consciousness soon,” Soval said. “Do you want me to explain to him why your bond cannot be severed?”

T’Pol straightened her shoulders and said, “That will not be necessary. I will explain it to him. I will tell him the truth. Our bond cannot be severed because of my feelings for him. He does not need to know about the mind meld.”

“As you wish,” Soval said. Then he rose and motioned for her to precede him out of the chamber.

As they walked down the corridor, they heard a commotion up ahead. Quickening their pace, they exited the corridor and walked outside onto the landing. Commander Tucker stood near the head of the stairs, massaging his left shoulder, while he yelled at a young priest. As soon as he noticed T’Pol and Soval, Trip lost all interest in the priest and turned his anger on them.

“I want to know what in the hell is going on here!” As soon as Tucker focused his wrath on Soval, the priest beat a hasty retreat. “You and I are carryin’ on a polite conversation, and the next thing I know I’m pickin’ myself up off the floor! What did you do to me?”

“Calm yourself, Commander,” Soval said quietly. “I needed a few moments to speak with T’Pol.”

“And for that, I had to be unconscious?”

“It helped.”

Irate, Tucker took a step toward Soval, but T’Pol immediately stepped between them. “Trip, please come inside with me. I have to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to talk. In case it’s slipped your mind, we came here to sever our bond.”

“I am aware of that,” she said soothingly, “but there have been some… complications.”

“What complications?”

T’Pol tried to remain calm. “If you will come inside…”

“Anything you have to say to me, you can say right here,” Trip spat back.

“All right.” In his present frame of mind, it would probably be best to get straight to the point. “It will not be possible for us to sever our bond.”

Tucker looked daggers at T’Pol. “Why not?”

Standing face to face with the Commander, T’Pol suddenly realized how weak and implausible the truth sounded. Why should he believe her? Why, after all she’d done to push him away, should he willingly accept that she cared deeply for him? Because Vulcans place such a high value on the truth, T’Pol had never fully appreciated the human fable of the little boy who cried wolf. She had a sinking feeling that the true meaning was about to be made all too clear to her.

“Because of my feelings for you,” she whispered.

Tucker stared at her in utter disbelief then threw back his head and started to laugh. As he raked his fingers through his hair, he backed up a couple of steps in an attempt to put some distance between them. “You’ve got to be kiddin’! Now you suddenly have feelin’s for me!” He shook his head. “T’Pol, you’ve had me on a roller coaster ride for the past two years. Well, I’m tired and I want to get off. We came here to sever our bond, so let’s do it and get it over with. Then you can go your way, and I can go mine.”

“Trip…,” T’Pol murmured tightly as she extended her hand to him.

“No! I’ve had enough!”

Agitated, Tucker jerked away from her. As he stepped back, his foot became tangled in the hem of his robe and he pitched backward. T’Pol lunged for him and managed to grab one long, flowing sleeve before he tumbled down the flight of steps. At the same time, Soval’s hand whipped forward and grabbed the front of Tucker’s robe. After securing their holds on him, the two Vulcans pulled the commander away from the stairs. Still off balance, Trip’s feet went out from under him and he landed in a heap at their feet.

Trip rolled over and stared back down the long flight of stone steps. Finally, he took a deep, shuddering breath and raised his eyes. He looked from one concerned Vulcan face to the other and mumbled, “Thanks.”

T’Pol knelt down and quickly ran her eyes over the young engineer. “Are you all right?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” Trip said sheepishly. “Sorry for bein’ so clumsy. I guess I’m just not cut out for wearin’ a robe. Give me a hand up, will ya?” T’Pol grasped Tucker’s wrist and pulled.

When he was once again on his feet, T’Pol could tell that his anger had spent itself. The fires of betrayal and frustration no longer sparked in his blue eyes. But what was he truly feeling? She ran her hand lightly along his upper arm. “The sun is not good for you. Come inside and sit down.”

“I told you, T’Pol. I’m okay.”

“I know,” she said quietly. “Come inside.”

“Sure…why not,” Tucker said. He made a sweeping motion with his arm, indicating that he would follow her. As they walked off, Trip hollered over one shoulder, “You might as well come along too, Soval. There’s something I want to tell both of ya.”

T’Pol led them into one of the small chambers lit by the ubiquitous candles which are so much a part of Vulcan ritual and meditation. Trip walked over and flopped down wearily on the only bench in the room. T’Pol paused before sitting down beside him. She looked over at Soval, who remained standing by the doorway. She could see the concern written plainly across his features. Without looking at Tucker, she asked warily, “What did you wish to tell us?”

Tucker sighed and leaned back against the wall. “T’Pol, if you say we can’t sever our bond,” he said softly, “I believe you. I’m just not sure what that’s gonna mean for us…well, for you mostly. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what I want to do with the rest of my life and, to make a long story short, I’ve decided to leave Starfleet.” T’Pol sucked in her breath, but did not interrupt. “I don’t intend to turn in my resignation until we finish the talks with the Vulcans,” he continued. “I wouldn’t do that to the captain. But as soon as the talks are over, I’m gone.” Tucker fixed his eyes on Soval. “But then you already know that, don’t you, Ambassador?”

Soval stiffened. His eyes locked onto Tucker’s and for a moment they seemed to engage in a silent test of wills. Finally, the ambassador took a couple of steps into the room and said firmly, “T’Pol, leave us. I wish to speak with the commander in private.” Shaking her head, T’Pol started to protest, but Soval remained unmoved. “Leave us.”

Pressing her lips together, T’Pol got to her feet and turned to look down at Tucker. She desperately wanted him to tell her to stay, but he refused to cooperate.

“It’s all right, T’Pol. The ambassador and I just need to clear the air. When we get done, I’ll meet you at the shuttlepod. I guess we might as well head back to the conference. There’s nothing to keep us here.”

With one final glare at Soval, she walked out of the room, head held high. As she slowly made her way to the shuttlepod, she was forced to admit that maybe her dismissal had been for the best. She needed time to think. He was going to leave Enterprise. They probably would never meet again. Though hardly unexpected, there was no question that Trip’s revelation had shaken her. She’d thought there would be more time to prepare for their separation. Evidently, she had been wrong.

CHAPTER 21: TRIP

As soon as he was certain that T’Pol was out of earshot, Soval said, “I believe I owe you an apology, Commander.”

“I didn’t think Vulcans apologized,” Tucker responded quietly, “but under the circumstance…yeah, I think you do.” His eyes never left Soval’s face. “It’s a funny feeling having somebody rummaging around in your head.”

Soval raised one eyebrow, but otherwise remained motionless. “I did not think that you would be aware of my presence.”

A smile tugged at the corner of Trip’s mouth. “My mind’s workin’ all the time, Ambassador, even when I’m not. So, that was a mind meld?” Soval nodded. Unconsciously, Tucker raised a hand and slowly began to rub his temple. “After our embassy on Vulcan was bombed, I remember watching you get information from a man who was in a coma. It helped us to identify the bomber. Were things really so serious that you had to resort to that with me?”

Soval slowly made his way across the small chamber. Upon reaching the bench, he paused. Tucker slid to his left and Soval took a seat beside him. Both men kept their eyes focused straight ahead.

“I…regret that it was necessary to render you unconscious,” Soval began. “I also regret that it was necessary to enter your mind without your permission, but you left me no choice. You were not behaving like a man who was prepared to sever the bond that joined him to another. You should be grateful that I stopped you. I know what you feel for T’Pol. Any attempt to sever your bond would have had grave consequences…for both of you.”

“I doubt that,” Tucker sneered.

“Do not underestimate T’Pol’s regard for you, Commander. She cares deeply for you.”

Trip shifted restlessly. “If she cares so much, why doesn’t she want to have anything to do with me?”

“You will have to ask her that.”

Tucker shook his head. “Every time I try to talk to T’Pol, we only end up fighting. Maybe the captain can make her happy. I sure never could.”

“Vulcans do not experience happiness, Commander.”

Tucker snorted and laughed humorlessly. “That’s exactly what T’Pol said. I guess it’s about time I start accepting the fact that the two of you know what you’re talkin’ about.”

A frown passed over Trip’s face as an unpleasant thought popped into his head. Had that been the problem all along? Did he really want a human wife? Did he want someone who could feel things as deeply as he did, someone with whom he could share the many facets of human emotions? Had he tried to force T’Pol to be something she wasn’t, nor could ever be? Is that why she ran from him?

He wrinkled his brow. No, he couldn’t accept that. He loved T’Pol for who she was. He didn’t want her to change. Her Vulcan traits were what endeared her to him – made her special. Why hadn’t he ever taken the time to make that clear to her? He had never expected her to return his love – not in the way that a human woman would – but he had hoped that she would care enough to want to be with him.

He knew she had once had feelings for him. As she regained control of her emotions – as she became more Vulcan – she began to push him away. The cultural gap that separated them was every bit as wide as the one the Xindi weapon had blasted through Florida. Maybe it was too big an obstacle for any two people to cross. T’Pol was the realist. Maybe this was the only way she could jolt him back to reality. He’d been holding his breath, hoping for a miracle that could never be. Their societies wouldn’t allow it. Regardless of the pain, regardless of the emptiness he would feel each and every day, he would have to learn to live without her.

Sighing, Tucker once again became aware of his surroundings and the composed figure seated on the bench next to him.

“Apology accepted, Ambassador,” he said wearily. Turning his head, he looked over at Soval. “I know that you were only trying to do what was best for me, and I wasn’t cooperating. I’m sorry. I should have been honest with you from the beginning. You went to a lot of trouble for us. Thank you for that.”

Suddenly, Tucker was uncomfortable with the way Soval was scrutinizing him. He’d seen that look before, and it usually meant nothing but trouble. “Well,” Trip said, slapping the palms of both hands against his thighs, “I guess I should be goin’. Thanks again for the help, Ambassador.”

As he started to rise, Soval asked, “Why do you want to leave Starfleet, Commander?”

Caught off guard, Trip sat back down. After giving the question some thought, he answered, “I guess I’m just tired of fighting. There never seems to be an end. Now I’m even fighting myself.” He straightened his back and took a deep breath. “Besides, I figure that it’s only a matter of time before Starfleet finds out that I’m no longer officer material. I’d rather leave with my head up before they decide to boot me out.”

“I believe your actions may be a bit premature,” Soval said. “There may be other options that you have yet to explore.”

“Like what?” Tucker tilted his head as he tried to figure out where Soval was headed.

“I know that you are in a great deal of emotional pain. Your primary concern should be coming to grips with those feelings, not submitting your resignation to Starfleet. You need to find someone who can help you deal with your self-destructive emotions.”

Tucker compressed his lips into a thin line as he fought to control his temper. “I’m not going to see some know-it-all psychiatrist, if that’s what you’re gettin’ at.”

“Remember that I have seen your thoughts, Commander. I know how much your career means to you.”

“I’m an engineer,” Tucker shot back. “I can get work anytime I want. I’ve already had a couple of real good offers. I don’t need Starfleet.”

“That may be true, but at the moment, Starfleet is an important part of your life. You do not want to give that up.” Soval fixed his eyes firmly on the young human. “You have a natural gift for command, Mr. Tucker. I believe that, in the coming years, Starfleet will be in need of your skills.”

Wrung out both emotionally and physically, Trip leaned back and rested his head against the wall. “Okay. Just out of idle curiosity, what do you have in mind?”

Soval folded his hands and turned to look at the commander. “Once when I was troubled, I spent some time here at the Sanctuary on Mount Seleya. I spoke often with a priest who helped me see things more clearly. I believe that he could do the same for you.”

Incredulous, Trip stared at Soval. “You want me to see a Vulcan priest?”

“I want you to speak with the man who helped me. Torok is now the High Priest. He is revered throughout Vulcan for his logic and wisdom.” Soval paused when Trip shook his head vigorously, but it didn’t prevent him from forging ahead. “Starfleet will never know that you sought help, Commander. The only way you can endanger your career is to continue to do nothing to resolve your problems.”

“This is crazy.”

“You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.”

“I’m not Vulcan!”

“That fact is made abundantly clear to me every time we meet.”

Tucker scrubbed his hands over his eyes. Just when he thought his life couldn’t get any more complicated, Soval had to go and prove him wrong.

“I don’t know,” Tucker mumbled as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think. He had always taken great pride in his ability to solve his own problems, but this time it wasn’t working. No matter how hard he fought against his dark, destructive thoughts, he kept sliding deeper and deeper into the abyss. If he couldn’t turn things around soon, he stood a good chance of losing everything he’d worked a lifetime to build. He couldn’t allow that to happen.

Trip opened his eyes and looked over at Soval. “Do you think this High Priest would be willing to talk to me?”

“I believe so. Would you like me to seek him out?”

Trip wanted to say no. It would be so easy. All he had to do was get up and walk out. He knew Soval wouldn’t follow him. He could return to Enterprise and pretend that none of this had ever happened…until the next time his nightmares made it impossible for him to sleep…or his temper got the best of him…or Starfleet asked for his resignation. He groaned inwardly. He was backed into a corner, and he knew it. Soval had just pointed him toward a possible way out. Maybe he should take it.

“Yeah,” Trip said quietly, I guess I would.”

“Good,” Soval said then he rose and started for the door. Before he disappeared into the corridor, he paused long enough to say, “I know that you would prefer to change into your uniform, Commander, but please refrain from doing so. I believe that Torok will be more comfortable seeing you in your present attire.” When Tucker nodded his head in agreement, Soval left.

Slowly, Trip rose and walked outside. From his place on the landing, he could see the shuttlepod parked below near the foot of the stairs. He knew that T’Pol was inside waiting for him. Pulling his robe about him, he hiked the hemline up far enough so that he could walk down the steps without worrying about getting his feet tangled up again, and he started down.

When he reached the shuttlepod, he found the hatch open. Taking a deep breath, he stepped inside and walked over to where T’Pol was seated. She looked up at him and, for a moment, he allowed himself to get lost in the unfathomable depths of her eyes.

“Are you ready to leave?” she asked softly.

Her voice brought him gently back to reality, and he sat down on the bench directly across from her. “Not just yet,” he answered. “Soval wants me to talk to some Vulcan High Priest, so I’ve decided to stick around for awhile.”

T’Pol’s eyebrow shot up.

Trip chuckled at her reaction. “Yeah, it kinda surprised me, too. Soval thinks this priest can help me with some of the problems I’ve been havin’.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess it can’t hurt.”

“I think you’ve made a wise decision,” T’Pol replied.

“Will you be headin’ back to the conference? The captain is probably missin’ ya.”

“I will remain here,” T’Pol said with a firmness that caught Trip by surprise.

He tilted his head inquiringly. “Has Soval got some secret agenda for you, too?”

“No. This could be a difficult time for you. You may find that you need the support of a friend. I believe that it is important for me to stay.”

Trip was slightly taken aback. “That’s not necessary, T’Pol. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”

“I am aware of that. I will contact Captain Archer and tell him that we have not yet completed our…research. I am sure that he can manage without us for another day or two.”

As Trip watched her stand and move forward to the pilot’s seat, he tried to figure out what had just occurred. In spite of everything that had happened, she wanted to stay with him. Could Soval be right? Could she still have feelings for him? Trip scrubbed one hand across his forehead. No. He was tired of playing games. It was time for him to cut his losses and move on.

He stood and headed over toward the hatch. When he came up next to T’Pol, she turned toward him. “The captain is meeting with Admiral Kiran and Captains Sirek and V’Lin. He will contact me later.”

Trip nodded. “Well, I guess I better be getting back. Soval may be looking for me.” He hitched up his robe and stepped out of the shuttlepod. Once outside, he paused. There was still one thing that needed to be said. He turned back to look at her. As he took in the exquisite contours of her face and the warm glow of her complexion, he had to fight hard against the lump that was forming in his throat. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us, T’Pol,” he said huskily. “I’d give a lot for things to be different between us, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”

Trip managed a half-hearted smile, but his words received no response. T’Pol sat unmoving, her jaw clenched and her hands folded tightly in her lap. There was sadness in her eyes, but there was also something more. If he didn’t know better, he would have said that it was longing…but that didn’t make any sense. He leaned in to take a closer look, but before he could make up his mind, she blinked and it was gone. Confused and disheartened, Trip turned around and headed back up the flight of stairs toward the Sanctuary.

* * * * * *

Tucker nervously scrubbed his hands together as he paced back and forth. What was taking so long? He’d been stuck in this same lousy room for over three hours. Trip wasn’t exactly sure what high priests did, but if the guy was too busy to see a mere human, Trip figured that it was only polite for somebody to pass the word along. He could be back on Enterprise right now preparing for the talks with Admiral Kiran and the rest of the brass from the Vulcan fleet. But no, he was stuck in another windowless, look-alike room, waiting for the little man who wasn’t there.

He plopped down on one of the two long, stone benches in the chamber, fidgeted for a few moments, and then jumped back up again. Why had he ever agreed to go through with this nonsense? He should have just said no to Soval. Now he was trapped. The commander ran his fingers nervously through his hair. It was time to go. He’d waited long enough. Trip turned and started for the doorway, but, much to his surprise, his way was blocked by an elderly man in a black floor-length tunic and russet robes.

With an air of quiet dignity, the man pulled himself up to his full height and announced, “I am Torok, High Priest of Vulcan,” in a rich baritone voice. Without waiting for a response, Torok turned and, with the aid of a cane, made his way slowly to the bench closest to the doorway. Even in a room illuminated solely by candlelight, Tucker could see that the Vulcan’s skin was as wrinkled and thin as crumpled tissue paper. His hair was a pure snowy white, and he moved haltingly, but there was nothing frail or fragile about the man. Strength and self-confidence seemed to radiate from him.

Once he was seated, Torok fixed his gaze on Tucker. “I have observed humans for many years now, but you are the first one that I have met. Ambassador Soval tells me that you are an exceptional example of your species. Would you say that that assessment is true?”

It took several seconds for Tucker to realize that his mouth was hanging open. “Excuse me?”

“Would you say that you are exceptional, young man?”

Disconcerted, Tucker responded, “No, sir. I’m not much different than other humans.” He briefly entertained the idea of taking a seat, but for some unknown reason he felt compelled to stand erect while in the presence of this elderly Vulcan.

“You are an engineer?”

“Yes, sir. I’m chief engineer on Enterprise, Earth’s first warp-five starship.”

“That is a position of great responsibility. You hold the lives of all aboard in the palm of your hand, do you not?”

“I never thought of it quite that way,” Trip said uneasily, “but I guess that’s right. If I don’t do my job, a lot of people could end up paying for my mistakes.”

“Do you believe that others have already paid for your mistakes?”

Caught off guard, Trip stared anxiously at the high priest. He knew this discussion was probably going to be difficult, but he figured they would get to know each other before easing into a discussion of his problems. He should have remembered that Vulcans don’t bother with small talk. This guy went straight for the jugular.

“Commander Tucker?”

Still a bit rattled, Trip knew he had to say something. “I always try to do my best. But sometimes things just…happen.”

“Can you accept the fact that you bear no personal responsibility when people on your ship are injured?”

Trip’s hands balled into fists. “It’s my job to keep the people on Enterprise safe. When someone’s hurt…” Trip stopped immediately when he heard the tremulous tone in his voice and tried to regroup. “When someone’s hurt…or worse…it just means that I have to work harder. If I work harder, I can hold everything together.”

Torok stared intently at the young human for a few moments then he continued. “I understand that our time together will be limited. You are scheduled to meet with representatives of the Vulcan government. Is that correct?”

Trip nodded. “I should be there now. I’m only here because T’Pol and I…” He suddenly clamped his mouth shut and dropped his head. He didn’t want to bring the dissolution of his relationship with T’Pol into this.

“I am aware that you and Commander T’Pol came here to sever your bond. I was to officiate at the ceremony.” Torok shifted slightly, settling into a more comfortable position on the bench. “As a rule, the other priests deal with such matters, but in this instance, they were not comfortable performing the ceremony. They found it…unsettling that a human was able to bond with a Vulcan.”

Trip’s head snapped up, and he stiffened. “There’s nothing wrong with T’Pol and me wantin’ to be together,” he said hotly. “If people – Vulcan and human – would keep their noses out of our business, it would make our lives a whole lot easier.”

“And yet you came to us to sever your bond,” Torok continued logically. “That would seem to indicate that the two of you are not content to be together.”

“Yeah…well…we changed our minds. T’Pol and I just need a little more time to work things out.” Trip bit his lip guiltily. What ever possessed him to say that? He knew better than to lie to a priest…even a Vulcan priest. His mama would be ashamed of him. He couldn’t deny that his pride had been hurt, but what if this only proved that he couldn’t face the truth? He couldn’t even admit to a perfect stranger that he’d failed in the most important relationship of his life.

Torok leaned back against the wall and looked appraisingly at Trip. “Your face betrays you, young man. It is obvious that you are not being completely honest with me.” When Trip began to protest, he silenced the engineer with a wave of his hand. “If I am going to help you, there can be no lies or half-truths between us. I must know your thoughts. Since it is apparent that you intend to be evasive whenever we discuss topics that you find upsetting, I am left with no other option but to ask that you allow me to touch your mind.”

Once again Trip shifted nervously. “You mean a mind meld?”

“Of course.”

“Soval already did that. Isn’t once enough?”

“Some things never change,” Torok murmured as he arranged the sleeves of his robe. “Soval always was impulsive.”

Tucker’s eyes shot open. He’d called Soval many things over the years, but impulsive definitely wasn’t one of them. Maybe he needed to reassess his opinion of the ambassador.

“What Soval may or may not know of your thoughts is of little concern to me,” Torok continued. “If I cannot know your mind, I cannot help you.”

“First Soval and now you,” Tucker said defensively. “I thought you Vulcans didn’t approve of mind melds. Are you a Syrrannite?”

“I am not a Syrrannite,” Torok scoffed. “I simply do not allow other people to think for me. Mind melds are a part of Vulcan tradition, a part of the ancient ways. They serve a useful purpose, if used properly. As with all things, if they are abused, there can be negative consequences.”

“I don’t mean any disrespect, sir, but this is my mind we’re talkin’ about.” Trip wrinkled his brow anxiously. “Are you sure you know what you’re doin’?”

“I can assure you, young man, that you need not be concerned. I mastered the discipline almost two centuries ago. As a matter of fact, I was the one who taught the principles of mind melding to a young upstart named Soval. You seem to have suffered no ill effects from the joining of his mind with yours.”

Trip had to admit that he’d walked away from his encounter with Soval with nothing more than a mild, short-lived headache. Of course, this time he would be conscious. He had to hope that that wouldn’t make any difference.

“The decision is yours, Commander.”

As much as he wanted to forget that he’d ever set foot on Mount Seleya, Trip knew that there was no turning back. He had to see this through to the end. Reluctantly, he nodded his assent then backed it up a moment later by wearily saying, “Okay. Let’s do it.”

Torok moved his cane out of the way and motioned toward the bench. “Come sit beside me. Soval tells me that the human mind is a chaotic place. This should prove to be an interesting experience.”

Trip warily crossed the room and sat down on the bench next to Torok.

“Turn to face me.”

Trip did as he was told. “What am I supposed to do?” he asked with a hint of trepidation in his voice.

“All I ask is that you relax and open your mind to me.”

Tucker took a deep breath, held it then let it out slowly. “I guess I can do that.”

“Let us begin.” Torok raised his right hand to Trip’s face and intoned, “My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts. Our minds are merging. Our minds are one.” Torok adjusted his hand slightly on Tucker’s face. “I feel what you feel. I know what you know.”

At first, Trip only felt a gentle pressure in his mind, but that benign feeling was short-lived. Without warning, the pressure suddenly began to grow. Like the unrelenting current of a mighty river, it tore through his head. Trip tried to throw up mental barriers to protect himself, but the force systematically probed his thoughts, his feelings, his memories-- and then inexorably moved on.

When the force approached the compartments where he kept the great tragedies of his life hidden away, Trip decided to make one last, desperate stand. The force halted in the face of his resistance and for a few brief moments, the irresistible force and the determined human did battle. As the force battered against his defenses, the intense pressure became intolerable pain. Trip’s breathing became more ragged as he fought to hold out, but in the end, one by one the compartments were breached.

Instantly, the memories began to play out in his mind. Enterprise was being battered by the Xindi ships. He tried to block out the cries of the wounded and dying as he worked feverishly to hold the ship together. It was all so real. He could smell the smoke, see the blood spurting from Masaro’s arm as the ensign lay writhing on the deck. Then the smoke was gone and he was in the ocean frantically diving over and over as he tried to locate his buddy, Vince, who’d cried out and disappeared beneath the waves. He saw the Xindi weapon bearing down on his unsuspecting sister. He screamed in desperation, but she couldn’t hear his warnings. With a rush of wind it engulfed her and her body burst into flames. He saw his infant daughter take one last shuddering breath. He felt the weight of her limp, lifeless body as he picked her up and held her close. Numbly, he listened to the eulogy at the funeral, but it wasn’t her body in the coffin, it was his. Then the lid was closed, sealing him inside, and the coffin was shot into space – cold and alone for eternity.

It was all too much. Too much pain…too much suffering…too many broken bodies and shattered dreams. As he was forced to relive one horrendous tragedy after another, great heaving sobs wracked Trip’s body. He would give anything, even his own life, to save them, but there was nothing he could do.

Just when he thought he’d go insane, the memories stopped and the pressure slowly began to ease. Instead of chaos and misery there was only blessed silence. His breathing slowed, and he felt himself drifting away from the pain toward a deep black hole.

“Wake up, Mr. Tucker!” The words reverberated through every corner of Trip’s brain and his eyes shot open.

Disoriented, he blinked a couple of times and then jerked backwards when he realized that there was a wizened Vulcan face only a few inches from his nose.

“Sit up now and take a few deep breaths,” Torok said softly as he removed his hand from Trip’s face. “You will need a few moments to recover.”

Dazed and nauseous, Trip struggled to get to his feet. Using one hand to steady himself against the wall, he pressed the fingers of his other hand firmly against his forehead. The almost unbearable pain had not diminished. It felt as though someone was skewering his brain with a red hot poker. Everything in the room was slightly out of focus and strange white lights flashed across his field of vision.

“You must sit down, Commander, until you regain your equilibrium.” Torok reached for Trip, but he pulled away.

“Don’t touch me, you bastard,” Trip hissed shakily, and then he felt his stomach turn over. Trip managed to stumble a few steps toward the corner of the room before he was violently sick. While he waited for the dry heaves to subside, he leaned against the wall, resting his throbbing head on the cool stone. Off in the distance, he heard voices calling his name. He wasn’t surprised. The voices always found him. All dead. Nowhere to hide. So many dead. All his fault. Suddenly the voices began to grow louder and louder, crowding out all rational thought. He tried to block them out, but they all began to blur together into one cacophonous screech -- louder and louder and louder until darkness swallowed him whole and there was nothing left but silence.

* * * * * *

Trip’s first conscious thought was that the voices were gone. So were the intense pain and the nausea. When he felt something cool and wet touch his forehead, he slowly opened his eyes.

“The young man seems to be recovering.” Torok looked up at the stern-looking Vulcan who stood stiffly beside his chair. “We will no longer need your services, Doctor. You may return to your duties.”

Frowning, the other Vulcan nodded. “This human has not been permanently damaged, but he should rest. He does not have our strength or stamina.”

Tucker watched in silence as the doctor glared at him one last time before leaving the room. When Trip raised one hand to touch the damp cloth on his forehead, he noticed that his grey robe was gone. His hand dropped to his neck. Someone had loosened the collar of his suit jacket. Slowly, he turned his head and saw Torok watching him.

“Did I throw up on your floor?” Trip asked in a hushed voice.

“Yes, young man.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean….”

“Do not let it concern you. These things happen.”

Trip sat up slowly and leaned forward. Resting his elbows on his thighs, he scrubbed his hands shakily over his face. It didn’t taken him long to realize that while he felt better physically, the emotional trauma from the meld had not abated. Too many old wounds had been ripped open and allowed to bleed freely. He could feel the anguish and remorse welling up inside of him, choking him. He tried to build new walls to lock the pain away again, but nothing seemed to work. For one terrible moment, fear gripped him. What if he could no longer protect himself when tragedy stuck? How would he survive?

“I did not want to cause you pain,” Torok said sincerely, “but you fought me every step of the way.”

Trip lowered his hands. Tears no longer rolled down his cheeks, but his faced was still etched by unbearable pain. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,” he managed to choke out, “but why did you make me see…make me relive those…terrible, terrible memories. I’ve worked so hard to…”

The conversation came to an abrupt halt when a young Vulcan attendant entered and handed Torok a large glass. He immediately nodded, dismissing her. Returning his nod, she quickly turned and left the room.

“Would you like some water, Commander? I imagine that your ordeal has made you thirsty.” Torok handed the glass to Tucker.

“Thanks,” Tucker mumbled. He raised the glass to his lips and drank.

“I spoke to T’Pol while you were unconscious,” Torok said. “She was concerned that I might have injured you. It took some effort on my part, but I believe I finally set her mind at ease.”

“T’Pol takes her job as first officer very seriously,” Tucker answered tightly. He leaned over and set the glass on the floor. “She’s always lookin’ out for the crew.”

“Her concern seemed to be motivated by more than duty,” Torok said quietly. “But then you obviously know her better than I do.”

Tucker gripped one tightly balled fist with his other hand. Yeah, I know her, he thought. I know her too well. In his mind, he could see her face so clearly. He could almost feel the warmth…the softness of her skin beneath his finger tips. He could hear her call his name…as she rejected him once again. Trip couldn’t stop himself from flinching slightly. This has to stop, he scolded himself. I have to accept that my relationship with T’Pol is over. It’s over!

“Are you still unwell, young man?” Torok asked, breaking into Tucker’s thoughts. “Would you like me to send for the doctor again?”

“No. I’m fine.” Tucker sniffed and straightened his back. No matter how bad he felt, he was determined not to let it show. A Vulcan would not appreciate his emotionalism, and he knew that he did not want to appear weak in front of this man. He had to pull himself together. “Now that you’ve poked around in my brain,” he finally murmured, “I suppose you think you’ve got me all figured out.”

“Soval warned me about the unpredictability of the human mind, and he was, of course, quite correct,” Torok said. “Your mind is an incredibly tempestuous place. At first glance, I was only aware of the rampant emotionalism and disorder, but, surprisingly, beneath it all, you possess a solid foundation of logic and discipline. I could spend many months trying to analyze your thought processes, but that is not why you are here.”

The high priest picked up his cane, planted one end firmly on the floor and rested both hands on the gnarled knob. “You are searching for a way to free yourself from the dark thoughts that are slowly destroying your katra. I will do all that is within my power to assist you, but, in the final analysis, you must find a way to help yourself, young man.”

Torok looked sternly at Tucker. “You have a brilliant mind and yet there are some truths you refuse to accept. Why do you find it so easy to help a friend who has suffered a loss, and yet you refuse to deal with your own grief? You cannot hide from emotional pain by burying your feelings deep in the recesses of your mind.”

“I deal with my problems,” Trip responded defensively. “Sometimes it just takes me awhile to get the job done. I came to grips with Lizzie’s death while we were in the Expanse. Ask T’Pol. She was there.”

“Do not forget that I have seen your thoughts, Commander. I know that your sister’s death still haunts you. You may have said good-bye to her, but you have really never let her go.”

“How can I? She was my sister,” Trip said pleadingly.

“I know it will be difficult, but it is something that you must do, both to preserve her memory and to restore your own peace of mind. By constantly denying your feelings, you have chosen to walk a dangerous path. Can’t you see that your constant struggle to keep your painful memories locked away only increases your vulnerability? It only takes one unguarded moment for everything to come rushing back, and once again you are bereft.” Torok paused. His forehead wrinkled as though he was trying to solve some weighty problem. “You are consumed by guilt, young man, and I do not understand why. You bear some responsibility for the death of the cogenitor, but the other losses you have suffered are not of your making.”

“You don’t understand,” Trip whispered. He rose and walked across the room.

“I would like to understand. Perhaps you can explain it to me.”

Trip looked back over his shoulder then dropped his head. He knew he couldn’t avoid talking about the deaths that haunted his dreams, but it didn’t make it any easier.

“Come back and sit down,” Torok said.

Trip was somewhat surprised by the sympathetic tone in the priest’s voice. He hadn’t expected that from a Vulcan of Torok’s age or station in life.

“I want to see your face when you speak to me, young man.”

“You don’t have to do this, sir,” Trip said softly. “I know it’s an imposition. I can work things out for myself.”

“Vulcans do not turn away from people in need. Now sit down and explain to me why you have allowed grief and guilt to take control of your life.

A shudder passed through Trip’s body. Thoroughly defeated, he walked over and sank gracelessly down on the bench. “I know I haven’t done a good job of handling my grief, but it doesn’t control me,” he said shakily. “When we were in the Expanse, I didn’t have time to sit in my room and mourn for Lizzie, or Crewmen Taylor or any of the others. People depended on me to keep the ship running, and I did my job.”

“And in order to do that you had to ignore your own well-being? Going without food or sleep does not increase your productivity.”

Trip leaned back and rested his exhausted body against the wall. “I’ve had a problem with insomnia since I was a kid. As for food...well…sometimes I get busy with repairs, and I just forget to eat. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Suddenly Trip bristled and his eyes flashed with anger. “Now wait just a minute! If you’ve got some half-baked idea that I’m self-destructive, you can think again! I want to live as much as anybody else!”

“And yet you neglect your health.”

“I’m not all that fragile, ya know. I’ve gone without sleep before and I’ll probably do it again. Sometimes it’s necessary.”

“Do you know what causes your insomnia?”

“Not really,” Trip said as he nervously ran his fingers through his hair. “It seems like I’ve always had trouble sleepin’. My mama thinks it’s because my mind’s always goin’ a mile a minute.”

“You don’t believe that?”

Trip shrugged. “There may be some truth in it. I think it’s mainly because of the dreams.”

“Dreams?”

“Yeah. Not dreams really, but nightmares. Even as a kid I always figured there were monsters under my bed. T’Pol really saved my life…helpin’ me with the Vulcan neuropressure the way she did. An hour spent with her, and I’d sleep straight through the night.” Tucker ducked his head. “I owe her a lot.”

“Why do you feel responsible for the death of your child?”

Caught off guard, Trip leaned forward and gripped the edge of the bench tightly with both hands. He gritted his teeth as a wave of grief threatened to overwhelm him. In his mind, he once again saw the beautiful little baby, so like her mother with her delicately pointed ears.

Trip took a moment more to compose himself then murmured, “I wasn’t there for her when she needed me.” He lifted his eyes and looked at Torok beseechingly. “Don’t you see? If I could have gotten to her sooner, Doctor Phlox might have been able to save her.”

“You do not believe that, young man,” Torok said softly. “You know that the child was doomed from before her birth.”

“No!” Trip shook his head adamantly. “I know we could have found a way to save her. T’Pol and I could have worked with Phlox. If I had just worked harder…” Trip dropped his head and a sob caught in his throat. He was her father. It was his duty to care for her.

“You must accept that you are blameless in her death, and let her go.”

“She’s my daughter,” Trip choked out. “I can’t let her go.”

“Of course you can. She was an innocent child and yet you allow her memory to poison your spirit. Doesn’t she deserve more from you?”

Trip brushed his hand across his cheeks to wipe away the tears. “I guess so.”

“You will always cherish her, but cherish her for what she was, not for what she could never be. You are blameless in this. Is that so hard to accept?”

“Yes,” Trip answered in a hushed voice. “She was my future and I let her slip away.” He took a deep breath and tried to explain. “When I saw Elizabeth for the first time, I knew she was everything I had ever wanted. With the baby alive and well, T’Pol and I could have built a life together. We could have been happy. But then Elizabeth died.” Trip raised a trembling hand to his head and pressed his fingers against his temple. “After awhile, there seemed to be nothing left for us, and I lost T’Pol, too.” He looked over at Torok with anguished eyes. “You’ve seen my thoughts. You know how much I care for both of them. How do I fill the hole in my life?”

“I cannot answer that. You and T’Pol must find your own way. It may be together. Then again, you may choose separate paths. We cannot compel others to care for us, just as we cannot prolong the lives of those whose time has come.”

“I know,” Trip said in a voice barely above a whisper.

“You must accept that you bear no guilt for the death of your sister or your fellow crewmen.” Torok looked intently at Tucker. “You must accept that your child died because of the malevolence of others and not through any fault of your own.”

Trip shook his head wearily. “I understand what you’re tellin’ me, but…”

“But?”

“They trusted me. Even when I was right there, I couldn’t stop it from happenin’. I should have been able to do somethin’…”

“The power over life and death does not rest in your hands, young man” Torok said firmly. “Until you can learn to grieve and ultimately accept the losses that come to each of us as we age, you will never find peace. Are you willing to sacrifice your career and live out the remainder of your life as a martyr to your lost friends and relatives?”

“You don’t understand,” Tucker cried in a tortured voice.

“Then make me understand!” Torok’s voice reverberated throughout the chamber.

“I don’t know how.” Totally spent, Trip dropped his head and covered his face with his hands.

Torok thumped his cane once on the floor and then slowly got to his feet. “That is enough for today.”

Trip sniffed and dropped his hands. “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to waste your time. If somebody would bring me my uniform, I’ll be on my way.”

“I would like you to stay with us for awhile longer,” Torok said softly. “I will send someone to show you to a room for the night.”

“That really isn’t necessary, sir. I’ve already taken up too much of your time.”

“Nonsense. We will talk again tomorrow, after you have rested. If you are unable to sleep, young man, please feel free to call upon our physician. He will see to your needs.” Before Tucker could protest further, Torok turned and walked slowly out of the chamber.

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