Brainstorm

The “Sincerest Form of Flattery Challenge”

Brainstorm

By Distracted

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine. I really don’t want this version anyway.
Genre: satire, "Sincerest Form of Flattery" Challenge.
Summary: This is meant to be taken tongue in cheek. You might taste a little blood when you’re doing it. It’s not my fault, okay? I’m imitating a master of ironic nastiness.

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Several years ago a friend of mine who’s a screenwriter asked me out to dinner. His stated purpose was business. He knew that I was an avid reader of science fiction and an occasional admirer of well-done televised sci-fi. He didn’t, of course, understand the difference… but then, few people do. Despite the fact that he’d called me into his august presence to “brainstorm”, as he put it, he monopolized the conversation, as usual.

He was working on a screenplay that he’d already pitched and sold to a production company that shall remain nameless. He’d decided to go with a tried and true formula that had worked for them before, and he wanted my input to “change it up a bit”. When I questioned him further, he gave me the details. The series would take place on a space ship of some sort. The primary characters would consist of a maverick captain who thought with either his gut or his gonads… he hadn’t decided which…, a miracle working engineer with an accent, a beautiful young female communications officer, an eccentric ship’s physician, and a coolly logical alien first officer. At that point I asked him if he thought that the viewers might possibly recognize the derivative nature of the series and get bored with it too quickly. He ridiculed the idea, giving the opinion that “television viewers aren’t nearly as smart as they think they are.” I shut up after that and just let him talk. Eventually, he finished his spiel and gave me an expectant look. I chewed on my lip for a minute and then ventured a suggestion.

“You could make the series character driven,” I said. “Give the viewers relationships and drama. Let the characters grow as individuals over time instead of remaining cardboard cutouts, unchanged by the events that transpire.”

My friend did a spit take with his glass of Chianti and laughed in my face.

“That’s a soap opera, not sci-fi,” he chortled. “Sci-fi is always plot driven. The viewers want action… explosions and gadgets and fancy makeup. No one wants to watch character driven sci-fi!”

And that, as they say, was that.

I watched his series for a season or two. It was everything he said it would be. I heard rumors about declining ratings, though, and pretty soon he was on the phone again, asking me to meet him at that same restaurant. I knew it was futile, but he was paying and the food was good, so I went.

“I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. This has worked before. It should work now!” he protested over his plate of penne pasta and chicken with marinara sauce, without cheese. He was on a diet.

“Maybe the viewers want more relationships and fewer explosions,” I told him. He ignored me. He was chewing. Then his face brightened.

“Sex! I’ll give ‘em sex!” He grinned at me and forked another hunk of red-dripping chicken into his mouth and began chewing. “You’re a genius, my friend… a frickin’ genius!”

When I tried to explain that sex wasn’t precisely what I had meant, he waved his fork at me and started spouting poetic about the physical attributes of the two actors whose characters he planned to place in a completely gratuitous and contrived physical relationship strictly to increase his ratings. They apparently were two extremely attractive young people. I hadn’t really noticed before, having been expending all of my energies trying to make sense of the plot. After our second brainstorming session I had no choice but to notice, though, as the episodes subsequent to our meeting featured multiple opportunities for the viewers to appreciate the physical attributes of said young people in various states of undress. The scenes were titillating, to be sure, but didn’t achieve the ratings increase my friend was looking for. Finally, he called me again.

“They’re canceling it. I’ve got to do something to ‘go out with a bang’!” he told me in desperation. I agreed to meet with him for the third and final time. He wasn’t on a diet this time. He had the porterhouse steak with a baked potato, fully dressed.

“The execs are calling my work boring and derivative. I’ll never get another series again unless I can come up with something original!” he told me with his mouth full.

I eyed him over my cup of coffee. I had no delusions left. The man would never listen to me, but I gave it a try anyway.

“Respect the characters you’ve created. Give them a believable future… one that’s consistent with the personalities you’ve created for them. The fans will give you their support and will look for your work in the future,” I said. His eyes had glassed over at the word ’future’, though. I don’t think he heard a word I said.

“I’ll link it to the rest of the franchise,” he said to himself with a look of self-satisfaction. “That’s the key… the future.” He smiled and took a gulp of his wine. Then he speared a hunk of steak with a fork and started waving it in my face. “And I’ll kill off a major character permanently. No one’s done that before! It’s perfect!”

No amount of argument from me would budge him. He was firm in his resolve, so I gave up. The last I’d heard, some woman had taken a pot shot at him at a science fiction convention in Cleveland… or maybe it was Tulsa. I don’t remember. Fortunately, she missed. He’s decided to focus his attention on westerns now. He says that sci-fi fans take themselves too seriously.

And so it goes.

End

If you want to know which author Distracted was imitating, check out the "Sincerest Form of Flattery" Challenge: Author List

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A whole mess of folks have made comments

It was Detroit. And I had a good bead on the creep until somebody else opened fire!

*sigh* stupid man. Silverfish, I'm sorry I messed up your shot. I was so focused that I didn't realize there were 10 of us aiming at him that day!

What about Kurt Vonnegut? Wasn't he a tad ironically nasty? Maybe I should do some research first.

Anyway, this is certainly fitting, isn't it? I think they definitely underestimated us fans. Not only that, but they lacked an understanding of what most viewers really wanted. 'Tis sad, but true. Still, D, your little story here does manage to amuse. Hope he enjoyed his 2500 calorie meal. Westerns? Might be appropriate.

You got it, Bether. Isn't Vonnegut a cynical SOB? I couldn't believe some of the stuff I had to read to research this. I'm still trying to find my rose-colored glasses. They seem to be lost somewhere in the midst of all this cynicism.

Rose-colored glasses? I happen to carry an extra pair with me at all times if you'd like to borrow them. You're right. Cynicism carries too much negative energy. Perhaps it's time for a trip to the purple prose world of wonder. Or not. Don't see any purple prose authors on the list. Back to the drawing board.

I'm confused. How is this a TnT story? Or did the point go sailing right over my head since I haven't read a lot of fiction?

Kevin, I speculate that Distracted was trying to get Vonnegut across to the reader and this was the best way she felt she could do it. There are some references to TnT in here. It might have been incredibly difficult to write a seriously cynical story that included our favorite couple otherwise.

Okay, it went over my head. I don't know who Vonnegut is. :-)

Picture the author of the story relating a tale about a writer he knows, one of the BeeBs before Enterprize started, and the events of a luncheon. Picture if you will another such lunch meeting later during the series and finally the idiot comes up with what would be the farcinale.

Various characters are described throughout including TnT.

Nicely done Dis.

HtH

Isn't it a pity that base huxterisim, repeated failure and crass stupidity seem to be the golden qualifications for producing a TV series.

Why, thank you, kind sir. *Deep curtsey* : D

*sigh* Ain't it the truth. Well done, D, well done! :)

Kurt Vonnegut wrote a little tome entitled; "Slaughter House 5" A controversial book that takes a very critical look at the absurdity of war.
It is decidedly nonlinear and mixes his experience as a prisoner of war during the destruction of Dresden and science fiction.
Some say it is great others are less enthused.
I think it is worth reading. Take what you will from it.

HtH

Kevin--try reading Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle"--I think that's where most of us started.

Oh, and very brave of you, Distracted.

I've never actually read Vonnegut so I can't comment specifically, but it certainly fits with the cynical outlook he's known for. As a piece, it's very much a logical explanation (pun intended) for what TPTB did with the characters.
I missed the pot shot, though - will someone please fill me in?

I made it up, JK... I promise. Call it dramatic license/wishful thinking, maybe. ; D

And Bucky... I am honored by the review. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Let it not be said that I am incapable of writing a story completely devoid of any vestige of frivolous romantic attachment. ; D

Oh, well, I thought someone actually tried to shoot one of TPTB. As much as I dislike what they did with the series, I thought that was taking it a bit far.
Those guys shouldn't be allowed near television in general, though. Really, inflicting them on people who like westerns is a little cruel to western fans... ;)

I am sorry for commenting so late. The picture of someone taking a potshot at one of the Bobsey twins was so dang remarkable that I sank into a blissful daze and it took me until now to snap out of it.

Nice work Dis.

I heard the only work they can get is writing scripts for government training films.

HtH

*snort*

Maybe the health films for new recruits?

"STD's and You: What You Should Know to Stay Healthy" by the Killer B's : D

The comments about the "twins" are right on the mark, as is the substance of this entertaining little vignette. In fact, all of your recent compositions have been entertaining. But - when can we expect a continuation of the big one - I have been waiting expectantly for the next chapter of "Paradox". More plase!!!

I'm doing my best. RL is interfering, though. Hang in there. I hope it'll be worth the wait. : )

Rasputin has been out of it for awhile. He reenters reality only by reading Distracted's stories after a few "gulps of his wine." "Brainstorm" is a nice one; the title reminds me of my daily self-consciousness. More, please.

-Rasputin