Time Will Tell - Pt 3

Time will tell

By Evalyn A

Rating: T POV, G. May be archived, just let me know.
Disclaimer: Not making a dime off of this, they belong to Paramount; they don’t belong to me, although finally they’re starting to act as if they did.
A/N: This is part of a continuing series of personal log entries made by T’Pol during her time on Enterprise, starting with season one.

Part 3

I had made my decision. It was not made lightly. It was reasoned, and logical.

While returning to Vulcan to marry Koss would have fulfilled the wishes of my family, it would not have been logical.

I was the only Vulcan to have been able to spend this much time on a human ship. And the High Command had made it clear that my presence on Enterprise was desirable, in order to keep the humans under close observation. It would be difficult, and impractical, to replace me.

Far better for Koss’s parents to find another woman whose duties did not remove her from Vulcan for such extended periods, and who would be glad to share his life. And I suspected Koss would be grateful for my decision, which would leave him free to have a more suitable mate.

These arguments were sound, and while others might argue the importance of Vulcan traditions (as I myself did with Commander Tucker), any tradition is simply that: a tradition, followed because it is beneficial, or comfortable, not because it is required. My return was not required; it was merely expected, and convenient for others.

I found myself wondering, in fact, why it was such a difficult decision to make. I did not wish to marry Koss, although under other circumstances, I would have adhered to tradition. But it was not logical that I return to do so, and since for him, time would soon be of the essence, to terminate the arrangement now leaving him sufficient time to find another mate was the best solution.

Why, then, having made my decision to remain on Enterprise, did I feel the need to discuss my situation with Commander Tucker, leading him to believe that I had not already decided?

Vulcans claim that they do not feel fear. It is certainly true that we do not fear the conventional types of things that other species might – multi-legged creatures, heights, death. Why would we, when the thing we have to fear the most lives within us? What can compare to the fear that each one of us could act as a catalyst, through an unguarded expression of that true inner nature that we struggle every day to control, for the loss of all that we hold dear – our family honour, our logic, our society?

My decision to remain on Enterprise was logical. Yet I feared that despite this, I had other reasons also. Reasons that could strike at the very heart of who I believed myself to be. I needed to hear Mr. Tucker’s arguments, rational or irrational, in order to weigh them against my own. And when he told me that I was free to choose, I felt my heart respond, not my head. At that moment, I felt fear, and I changed my mind – I would return to Vulcan, for no other course of action was possible.

But by the time he challenged me on the bridge, I had once again composed myself. I have withstood, and found inner strength, through enduring the ritual of the Kolinahr. Perhaps my time spent with humans will further me on that journey. Or perhaps I will find myself on another journey altogether.

But Mr. Tucker was right; it was my decision. And may Surak guide me on the path I have chosen.

< href="http://triptpolers.houseoftucker.com/fiction/author_evalyn_a_time_will_tell_pt_4.shtml">Return to Part 4

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Four of you have made comments

Good work. Nicely done.

I'm just loving this. Keep going!

I loved this. I could easily imagine these thoughts and this line of reasoning going through our favourite Vulcan's mind. I can't wait to see where you take the story next. Ali D :~)

I love this. I like hearing T'Pol's POV on the epi's, it help's me know what was going through her mind during the episodes.