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What Were They Thinking?Author - Hopeful Romantic | Genre - Angst | Genre - Romance | Main Story | Rating - PG-13 | W
Fan Fiction Main Page | Stories sorted by title, author, genre, and rating What Were They Thinking? By Hopeful Romantic Rating: PG-13, for some cussin’ Date: 2-14-06 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N: This is the fourth in my “Contemplations” series, a set of canon Enterprise stories originally written as entries for the Strange New Worlds IX contest. Put away the crying towels! After the heavy dishes I’ve been serving y’all lately, it’s time for something a little bit lighter. Thanks, as always, to my marvelous betas Jenna, Stephanie, and Ludjin.
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Trip She looks at the Cap’n, she looks at Travis, she looks at the table graphic. Which isn’t even turned on. But she doesn’t look at me. What does she think I’ll see if our eyes meet? Will I see pity for me? I don’t want that. I didn’t keep my mouth shut to be pitied. Will I see pain? God, if he did anything to hurt her... Maybe she’s afraid I’ll see nothing— like she’s dead inside. That’d be worse than anything.
I feel his eyes on me. He wishes for me to look at him. But how can I, knowing what he was compelled to witness on Vulcan? I tried to tell him, in the only way I could, that my marriage was an empty pledge. My show of defiance— a kiss to a human, bestowed in public! If only it had been observed by more than a lowly acolyte, who surely told no one what she saw. At my first opportunity after the ceremony, I turned to him— but he had already fled. Doubtless he could no longer stomach the sorry sight of a woman he thought he esteemed, debasing herself in return for her mother’s job and her family’s reputation. Trading honor for dishonor. He can have no respect for me now. I cannot look at him. Damn, she’s lost more weight. Didn’t she lose enough while we were in the Expanse? Don’t Vulcan husbands feed the new wives they’ve just shanghaied into marriage? Why didn’t those clowns at the Vulcan compound get her to eat anything? It’s not like they haven’t had plenty of chances— she hasn’t stepped foot off the place since she got back to Earth, and that was weeks ago. Four weeks and three days, to be precise. God, I sound like a Vulcan. Kill me. Kill me now. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Bridge Trip Two weeks. I have waaay too much imagination to think what coulda gone on between ‘em for two whole weeks. I’m scrunched behind the Cap’n’s new chair when I hear the turbolift doors open. I peek under the chair and see— not Starfleet blue, but vermilion red. I keep the chair between us as she goes to her station. I don’t want to talk to her, not after that whole no-eye-contact routine she pulled this morning. Two weeks. Two weeks— Hold it. Gotta think about somethin’ else other than what they did for two weeks. They just got married, stupid. What the hell d’you think they did? You already know Vulcans aren’t limited to that once-in-seven-years pon farr thing. That’s just the only time it’s not their idea. So if you’re Koss, and you’ve just married that incredibly beautiful, intelligent, desirable woman over there, what’s the first thing you’d want to do? Um, take her to dinner, get to know her better? Maybe meditate with her? He probably dragged her off the first chance he got, threw her down on the nearest flat surface, tore off her wedding gown, and proceeded for the next two solid weeks to— Stop it. Stop it now. Don’t torture yourself. Hey, this bolt here’s only been tightened, what, six or eight times? I should look at it again, just to make sure. What’re you gonna do, hide behind the furniture every time she enters a room? For the whole mission? Oughta work for a few days, anyway.
As soon as I enter the bridge, I see him— not at his station, but at the base of the new command chair. More precisely, I see his legs; the rest of him is obscured by the chair. I have a PADD from Engineering for him. It will be better if I catch his eye before I take it to him. Unfortunately, he is inordinately preoccupied with the starboard side of the chair. I have yet to see his face. Logically, the chair should be ready; we launch as soon as Captain Archer arrives on the bridge. I must give him this PADD before the Captain arrives. I must walk to him in order to give him the PADD. I must move my legs in order to walk.
Did I check this bolt under here yet? Doesn’t matter, I’m checkin’ it again. Yep, it feels nice an’ tight, all right. Just makin’ sure, there we go— Damn! Damn it all, she’s standing over me, she’s right here! What’s she doin’ here? Does she finally want to talk? Is she going to— Oh. A PADD. She’s just givin’ me a PADD and leaving, that’s all. Okay, be casual, take the PADD, don’t look, don’tlook don’tlookdon’t— She’s looking at me.
There is no need for me to keep my eyes on him. But now I cannot tear them away. It is the first full, close-up view I have had of him since I returned. It has been... so long. I have missed looking at him, talking with him, being near him, inhaling his scent, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes. He takes the PADD. To my horror, our eyes meet— but I am utterly surprised to see no animosity there. I see gladness. But also... uncertainty.
God, I’ve missed those huge brown eyes. So deep, I feel like I could fall in and sink and never touch bottom, just melt away inside them— Stop. Married woman. Climb up outta those eyes, ASAP. She looks like a frightened deer. What’s she afraid of? That skunk husband of hers? Or maybe... me? This hurts too damn much. I just gotta figure out a way to stay down in Engineering from now on, is all. I’ll set up a cot next to my workstation, get a protein resequencer, send Hess up here to man the Engineering station... Okay, okay, don’t make her bolt. Be non-threatening. Tear eyes away from lovely, terrified T’Pol. Direct eyes at PADD. Try to act like you’re actually seeing what’s on the PADD. Punch some buttons, make it look good. T’Pol Leave! Leave, before he recovers his wits and tells you he despises you! Instead, I find myself sinking down to sit beside him. I long to say what is in my heart. If only things were different! If only we had had those weeks to ourselves on Vulcan! But it is too late. What can I say now, as a married woman, to convey that my regard for him— my feelings for him— have not changed? I missed you... I steel myself to tell him.
She’s staying. Sitting down. Beside me. She’s not talking, but she wants to be here. She must want to be here. I mean, she’s here. Whatever you do, don’t ask. The last thing you wanna know is what happened during those two— “So how was the honeymoon?” Stupid damn fool lamebrain blabbermouth dunderheaded IDIOT!
I am completely caught off guard. I recall the term... an Earth custom, in which newlywed couples retreat for an idyllic interlude, to indulge in carnal bliss— Is that what he assumes took place after he left?! Almost speechless with shock, I repeat weakly... “Honeymoon?”
Now you’ve done it, you dirty dog. Now she knows that’s all you’ve been thinking about— her and Koss shagging, boinking, doin’ the nasty, the horizontal mambo. That’s all she’ll think you ever meant to her. A one-night stand. A good lay. I keep my voice and face as neutral as possible, trying to stop the bleeding. “You were on Vulcan for two weeks after I left. I figured—”
My mind is racing with my need to correct his mistaken assumption, and put his mind at ease— —But we are interrupted by the arrival of Captain Archer. It is time for Enterprise to leave. I am not prepared to explain to Trip, within earshot of the Captain, that my marriage remains unconsummated. I am not yet prepared to discuss my marriage with the Captain. I am not prepared to discuss this discussion with Trip, with the Captain. I hastily return to my station, as Trip turns his attention to the Captain, who, thankfully, has eyes only for his new chair. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Sickbay Trip It’s hard not to look at her right off when I come into Sickbay. Our recovered almost-slaves are resting. Phlox hands me a PADD. Injury report— seven are okay, two will need some therapy for nerve damage. T’Pol has transitory tinnitus in her left ear. It’s even harder when I do look at her. She’s sitting up, punching away at a PADD. Her hair’s mussed, her uniform is burned in a few places— must be where the slavers hit her with those stun-sticks. Looks like she put up quite a fight. God, she’s beautiful. She hasn’t looked up. I should leave. Why am I not leaving? Why am I moving toward her? Because I want to feel what I felt when she sat down next to me on the bridge, that’s why. It felt so right, havin’ her beside me. Like we’re magnets, unable to stay far apart, no matter how hard we try. This is crazy. I am out of my mind. I start talking to her, telling her I’m glad they got that thing off her neck— She’s not looking at me. Hell, we’re back to that again. Maybe her little sit-down on the bridge was for a different reason than I thought. Maybe she had a cramp in her leg or something. Now she’s not even talking to me. I’m gettin’ outta here.
Act! Quickly! “Vulcans don’t have honeymoons.” Thankfully, he stops, turns back. His normally open and readable expression is guarded. Do I see confusion there? Hope? I explain that I left after the ceremony, much as he had done. And though I am embarrassed to be so blatant, I must tell him— I need for him to know— I am married in name only. My body, heart, and soul remain untouched by Koss. I clear my dry throat and add, pointedly— “Alone.”
Alone. She spent the whole two weeks alone. Bolted outta there before he could lay a paw on her. Sweet heaven above, I can breathe again! Thank you thank you th— Wait a minute. What does she think is gonna happen now? Does she expect us to take up where we left off? Ignore the husband? Go on flirting? Courting? Maybe even sleeping together? I can’t do that. I can’t. She’s a married woman. She’s off limits. By the time she’s free, I’ll be a hundred years dead and gone. It doesn’t matter that she was blackmailed into marrying him, or that she doesn’t give a damn about him now. Sooner or later, he’ll matter. The day’ll come when she has to go back to Vulcan and be his wife. She’s on borrowed time. When she leaves Enterprise, she’ll leave everything of this life behind. Including me. Does she expect me to stay friends with her? Laugh and joke in the Captain’s Mess over dinner with her? Sit with her on Movie Night? Have fun arguing with her? Smile at her? Work side by side with her as if nothing’s changed? When just being in the same room with her hurts so much, it feels like I’m gonna die? Don’t, darlin’. Don’t hope for me. Don’t pine for me. Don’t need me... please, don’t. “It was none o’ my business anyway.”
I stare at him, wide-eyed with shock. What is he talking about? I wish to cry at the top of my lungs— Yes! It is! You, and what you think of me, are of the utmost import to me! I am your business because I still care for you, and you for me! You are still the most important person in my life!— —But we are interrupted. Again.
I yank her off the biobed and onto the floor, shielding her from the exploding panel. I glance around— three of the other crew are already up, helping Phlox put out a little fire on the other side of Sickbay. T’Pol’s all right, just shaken. I’m still hovering over her, hanging onto her. Our faces are centimeters apart. Wrong wrong wrong! I pull away, scrambling back, putting distance between us. Hell, I don’t even know how to touch her any more. How am I gonna do this? She opens her mouth to say something— but the ship shudders again. Another impact. Somebody sure doesn’t want us talkin’ to each other. I ask with my eyes— Are you all right? She nods. I jump to my feet and try not to sprint outta there. Damn fool idea, coming to Sickbay. It’ll be bad enough seein’ her when I have to. Maybe it’s just as well. God, my heart hurts.
Have a comment to make about this story? Do so in the Trip Fan Fiction forum at the HoTBBS! A whole mess of folks have made commentsThis first person monologue has the characters and their manner of speaking down. It really feels like what they would be saying based on what we saw in the episodes. Trip wondering about what Vulcans do after a wedding, T'Pol wanting to explain and finally doing so...well done. There were a couple of spots, though, where the first person narrative seemed awkward, especially when they were talking while they were performing activities. I will send you the couple of spots where I felt this, in a private message. But otherwise, great job! interesting internal dialogue for both... their hope, angst, and love came through just fine. Oh, this brings back all the angst. Poor starcrossed lovers. That was certainly unique and very realistic as well, in my opinion. They are terribly heartbreaking though, aren't they? Both wanting one another and yet the situation will never allow it to happen. Unable to express those desires to each other...so very sad, but very Trip and T'Pol. Nice job. Ditto what DAK said. Poor things. Great stuff, though, I loved every word! :) Oh so absolutely fantastic, great job. I really like the different pov, and I thought it was great how you captured so much in so little, it had an excellent pace This was so minimalist it was almost like poetry. I liked it a lot! Fantastic! Beautiful, HR! Of course it does have its angst 'cause of the context, but it is also very sweet. Thank you. This story is why I came to this site and why I've stayed. I want to read about Trip and I want to read about T'Pol. I wish more writers would write focused stories like this. Thanks! Lovely story, well interpreted. Freaky! :O ;) In a good way ofcourse. It was spot on HR hon,,, Felt like I was actualy seein their thoughts,<Freaky part). It was beautiful an angstadly sad,,,, an still so much missunderstandin basicaly for a lack in understandin of each others coultures. Beautifully sad,,, Yeah I know it dont help but I was screamin at the puter "Just tell each other Ya idiots!!" LOL Yer makin me relive some heartbreakin Trek HR. Thanks for writin them. :D That was nice, really nice. Thank you for all your stories. I have really enjoyed them. I always download them before I read them; so I don't always go back to comment. Every time I see your name, I just automatically download it. I've never been disappointed. Please keep writing. |