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The Struggle Within

Author - Kevin | Genre - Drama | Genre - Romance | Main Story | Rating - PG | S
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The Struggle Within

by Kevin

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters mentioned within this text are the sole property of Paramount Studios, UPN, and Viacom. I intend no infringement.
Genre: Drama, Romance
Summary: Scene additions to “E2”. After 117 years, T’Pol attempts to impart the benefit of her wisdom on her younger counterpart. The younger T’Pol decides to act on at least one piece of her advice.

Thanks to Misplaced who was my beta on an early version of this story.


I should speak with her. While it is most likely a pointless attempt, I must try to prevent her from making the same mistake I made. I nearly lost everything that mattered. I was… lucky. Yes, that is the correct word. I gained very much more than I lost as a result of my errors. She may not be as… fortunate.


“You are going to have to learn to embrace them… Live with them as I have. There is someone on your ship who can help.”

“Phlox has already given me a neural suppressant.”

“I do not mean Phlox…” The older T’Pol replied, patronizing her younger version who tried to ignore the obvious intent. “Trip… can be an outlet for these feelings… if you trust him. The emotions he stirred in me were powerful… and frightening.” Terrifying actually. “I tried to push him away…” I almost succeeded. “If Enterprise had not been stranded in the past, it is possible I never would have married Trip… But I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without him.”

T’Pol looked at the younger version of herself. She could see the struggle within to contain her emotions while she spoke of Trip. She remembered her own difficulty so many, many years ago. The emotions he stirs in her appear as powerful and frightening as mine were. In her weakest moments, the mere thought of him was enough to cause her body to tremble.

“What do you suggest I do?”

“There is a human expression. Follow your heart.”

“What if my heart does not know what it wants?”

“It will. In time. You will.”

The elder T’Pol moved her chair closer to the bed and placed an unsteady hand on the younger one’s thigh.

“If you listen closely, you already know the answer. I knew. I just denied it.”

“Are you certain our lives are identical?”

“Each of the three nights after Doctor Phlox told you about the ‘genie’ you released, you meditated alone in your quarters clad only in your robe… anticipating… hoping… Trip would stop by. You desired another encounter to help you release some of the emotions you could no longer suppress… But he did not seek you out.”

The elder T’Pol considered the younger version of herself. She cannot even look at me when I mention his name. Each time she shudders slightly.

The elder T’Pol smiled at the younger. “You were making progress at suppressing your emotions until two…” She paused to consider her statement. “No, three nights ago when Trip came to your quarters in an attempt to help you. The urge to have sexual intercourse was powerful. It nearly overwhelmed you before he left… You appear to be still struggling with your control.”

The younger T’Pol continued to stare at the wall as she meekly nodded in agreement.

The elder T’Pol continued relaying events in an attempt to convince the younger that their lives were, in fact, identical. “I remember the first time I wore my teal jumpsuit. I found his reaction… infuriating. He stared at me periodically during the mission briefing. I caught him staring at me again in the command center. My response to his unprofessional behavior was just as inappropriate. I should not have found his stares pleasing–but I did. I started creating reasons to go to engineering so that he would look at me.”

“While I preferred my lavender jumpsuit, I know he preferred the teal one. I always found he was more… agreeable… when I wore it. Once Phlox asked me to convince Trip to accept neuro-pressure treatments, I returned to the quartermaster’s supply and chose the pale blue silk pajamas and steel gray satin robe. I was certain the visual stimulation would convince him to pursue the treatment.”

She paused to judge the other’s reaction. The younger T’Pol could not hide her discomfort. “Do I need to go on or have I convinced you?”

The younger T’Pol struggled to say, “I believe you.”

“You will have to trust someone. You need help to break your addiction.”

“I have already stopped injecting Trellium.”

“When?”

“It has been eleven days.”

The elder T’Pol frowned at the younger. “That was when I stopped too–the first time.”

The younger T’Pol’s face contorted in shock.

The elder T’Pol took a deep breath before she continued. “The most difficult time is from six to thirteen weeks after the last exposure. I failed on day 47.”

The younger T’Pol’s body slumped slightly. “How many attempts did it take?”

“I failed only once. I was able to break free on my second attempt.” She paused for a moment. “Only because of Trip.”

“How?”

“He was… suspicious. He knew something was wrong but not what. He suspected my degraded emotional control was a result of Rajiin’s assault or the anomalies. He had no idea I was addicted to the Trellium. He assumed it was locked safely away. He caught me processing it for injection. It never occurred to him my problem was self-inflicted.”

The younger T’Pol watched silently as the elder T’Pol gathered her strength. The memory appeared to be painful.

“We fought when he tried to prevent me from injecting it. I broke his collarbone and gave him a concussion before he fell to the floor and I was able to inject myself. I was distracted, misjudged the amount of Trellium processed and gave myself a dosage 37% too high. Even with his multiple injuries, he tried to get me to sickbay. He was carrying me over his shoulder when I kicked him in the chest, broke three ribs and punctured a lung. He collapsed under our combined weight as he struggled to breathe. When we hit the floor he separated his shoulder and suffered multiple fractures to his right forearm. I broke my left forearm and the four fingers on my left hand.”

The younger T’Pol watched as tears ran down the elder T’Pol’s left cheek.

“I was paralyzed with guilt when I saw the severe physical damage I caused him. I watched as he writhed on the deck struggling to breathe as his mangled right arm flopped around. My greatest fear had come true… I nearly killed Trip because of my Trellium addiction… I tried to reach a comm. panel to call for help but my emotions overwhelmed me. All I could do was lie next to him as the emotions unleashed by the Trellium overdose rendered me helpless.”

“Somehow Major Hayes detected our fight and dispatched a security detail. They took both of us to sickbay. The MACOs strapped me down and Phlox injected a neuro-suppressant. I became mostly coherent as Phlox attended to Trip’s more serious injuries. Uncertain to the extent of his head injuries, Phlox would not use painkillers. I was forced to listen to Trip struggle to breathe and scream in pain as Phlox set his broken ribs. When Phlox reset his shoulder, the pain became too much to bear and he lost consciousness. But before he passed out, Trip ordered the security detail to throw me in the brig and weld the door shut.”

The two women sat silent for some time while each considered this revelation. Finally the younger T’Pol could speak. “But he chose to marry you? What changed?”

“Captain Archer removed me as first officer and confined me to quarters. Doctor Phlox was the only one to speak with me for almost three weeks. I was certain I had lost Trip as he ignored all my attempts to communicate during that time. One morning he entered my quarters without warning. He had not yet fully recovered from his shoulder surgery and his right arm in a sling. He told me we were going to break the addiction together. Phlox told him every last detail of my condition and Trip promised he would not allow me to fail again.”

“He was a different man when he showed up at my door. He was no longer reactive–he took control of our relationship. He made sure all of the Trellium was stored under constant guard. As a safety precaution, Trip was not permitted access to it under any circumstances. I was able to break free of my addiction. Six months after my last Trellium injection, I claimed him as my mate using the ancient custom prior to arranged marriages… But by that time it was mostly a formality as we had been living together openly for nearly two months.”

The elder T’Pol glared at the younger T’Pol with all of the strength she could muster. “I almost lost everything. I did lose my rank. Although Captain Archer eventually allowed me to continue as an unofficial science officer, he never restored any command status to me.” She sighed. “I am uncertain I ever fully regained his trust.”

“I am not sure my Trip… the current Trip… would do the same for me. I have hurt him too much.”

“Even if you do not take him as mate, like I did, he will be your staunchest ally. He will stand beside you when no one else will.”

“He told me he believed the only reason he could have married me is every other female was taken.”

The elder T’Pol shook her head. “That is not true. We were the third pair only because I resisted his advances. He had plenty of opportunities to choose another... Not just Amanda Cole–there were others.” She scowled as she thought about that time. “Far more than I could have guessed. But he showed almost no interest in any of them. He cared too deeply about me… There was no reason to seduce him. I never had competition.”

The elder T’Pol continued her story. “Some time later, Trip told me it only took him a day after our first encounter to realize I had decided to seduce him prior to his arrival. The fact that I was nude underneath the robe was a clear sign I had already chosen my course of action. He rightly assumed it was because of Amanda. He felt guilty for taking my virginity due to a bout of misplaced jealousy. He believed I was not yet ready for that step and that led to my reaction the next day. He blamed himself for our… awkwardness around each other. He said if he knew before that I was a virgin, he would not have allowed it.”

The younger T’Pol said, “I was not ready.” It barely registered as a whisper.

“I know. Neither was I.” Again T’Pol briefly studied her younger self. She seemed more relaxed and no longer shuddered as they spoke of Trip. “He told me that prior to my removing the robe, he was disappointed not to see my in my blue silk pajamas… When I removed the robe though, he forgot all about the pajamas.” The elder T’Pol gave the younger a meager grin.

The younger T’Pol’s eyes darted away and the elder noticed a faint flush wash over the younger’s face. “I have noticed his preference for them. His reaction is more… obvious... than when I wear the rose colored cotton ones.”

The elder T’Pol nodded. “His reaction is more… pronounced… if you leave only the top button fastened.”

The younger T’Pol arched her eyebrow.

“His scent becomes much stronger… It will linger even longer.”

The two T’Pols stared intently at each other for some time. Finally the younger one spoke. “Thank you for your advice.” She stood and began to leave.

The elder T’Pol grabbed the younger T’Pol by the wrist to stop her exit. “You must trust someone. Choose wisely, T’Pol. Remember what T’Pril told you.”

The younger T’Pol cocked her head. “Even father cautioned against taking his mother’s advice. Her interpretation of Surak’s teaching was corrupt. Arranged marriages are logical. Returning to the ancient way of females choosing their mates would only invite chaos. It led to much bloodshed.”

The elder T’Pol shook her head slightly. “I am not suggesting you have Trip kill to earn the right to be your mate–that would be barbaric… Evolution has given you a heightened sense of smell–use it. Listen to what your body is telling you, as well as your logical mind.”

The younger T’Pol now knew exactly what the elder was referring to. T’Pril, her father’s mother, believed arranged marriages reduced Vulcan females to the status of property and should be abolished. Instead she felt Vulcan females should select their own mates using scent as one of the important criteria. “The fact that his scent is… pleasing… is nothing more than a chemical reaction caused by my approaching physical maturity.”

“Remember to whom you are speaking. I know you are deceiving yourself. There are over fifty males aboard your ship. You have encountered numerous others, including Vulcans, over the past three years. No others’ scent affects you the way his does. No other Human male’s scent is even agreeable. His is not merely pleasant… it is arousing… is it not?”

The younger T’Pol slightly nodded her head as she stared at the floor. She could not face the elder T’Pol. Her words continued to force the younger T’Pol to confront truths she would rather ignore or deny.

The elder T’Pol closed her eyes as if she were recalling a distant memory. “Once we began regular neuro-pressure sessions, I reduced my nasal inhibitor usage just to experience it. It would linger in my quarters long after he left. That is why I always insisted he come to my quarters. I forced myself to bear the stench of the Captain’s canine just so I could experience Trip’s scent.”

“I have done the same.”

“Of course you have–our actions were the same… T’Pol, I am not asking you to abandon your logical nature–neither will he. He will never ask you to give up who you are. I suggest you trust your emotional core–the core you, we both, released. I can assure you from experience he will be a pleasing mate. He has far many more qualities than simply an arousing scent and strong, rough hands. He is intensely loyal to those he cares for. Trip wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.”

The younger T’Pol considered her words. It was clear this older version of herself… loved… Trip very deeply. “Have you spoken to Trip? He very much likes to speak with Lorian. I am certain he would wish to speak with you also.”

“No…” The elder T’Pol closed her eyes and shook her head. “He is your Trip, not mine. Seeing him again would only remind me that I lost mine so long ago. As much as I wish to have him hold me once more and inhale the scent I have long missed, I am unsure how I would react to losing him again… Besides, he is full of questions now–questions that would be inappropriate for me to answer. Questions only you can decide if and how you will answer.”

The younger T’Pol tilted her head. “Such as?”

“He knows something is wrong with you. He also knows you are lying to him… It is up to you to decide what you will tell him… But you need to understand your lying to him has hurt him far more than anything else you have done–or could do.”

The elder T’Pol released the younger one. The young woman was shaking in her attempt to control the emotions that had risen to the surface during their conversation. I have pushed her too hard. She is not yet ready. Neither was I at that time. I should have been more careful.


T’Pol took a deep breath and released it slowly. Enterprise was sitting on station waiting for contact from Degra. She was considering the events of the past few days when she was startled by a subtle tone. At first she thought Trip had arrived, but then realized it was too early. Again she heard the tone and realized it came from her computer terminal. She rose from her table and brought up the main screen.

She had just received a time delayed message. It listed herself as the originator. She tilted her head and tried to remember when she sent the message. In the past, she sent herself time delayed messages as a reminder but she could not recall doing so since entering the Expanse. She opened up the message and read the text.

Trip taught me many words that have lost their meaning after centuries of suppression. The most important of those words is ‘mak’. I learned the true meaning of joy when I gave him a son. In the event you choose to follow the same path as I, you will find attached all of the information necessary for you to give him a son. The procedure only yields a viable fertilized egg using the Human Y chromosome. We never found a method that works with the Human X chromosome. Doctor Phlox will know exactly what to do.

Choose wisely T’Pol. Follow your heart.

Live long and prosper, T’Pol

She was fascinated at the amount of detail. The other Doctor Phlox included all of the intricate details of how to combine the two genetic sequences, the hormone treatments to convince her body to accept the fertilized egg and daily vital signs to help determine if the pregnancy is progressing safely. He had virtually written an instruction manual for a Vulcan female to give birth to a male Human/Vulcan hybrid using only the medical facilities available on Enterprise.

Once again she was startled by a slightly louder tone. This time it was her door and the chronometer indicated he arrived at the appointed time.

“Hey, T’Pol, is now still a good time?” the comm. system relayed his voice into her quarters.

She took a deep breath and unfastened the bottom two buttons of her top–leaving only one to valiantly struggle to keep the pale blue silk from falling away.

“Yes, Commander. Enter,” was her simple reply.

The End


A sequel follows in Hanging on a Limb

And the events in Changing of the Guard precede those in Hanging on a Limb, although it was written later.

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A whole mess of folks have made comments

Excellent insights, Kevin! Love it!

great, i felt you captured t'pol character completely. sequel please

great, i felt you captured t'pol character completely. sequel please

Very well done. Older T'Pol's struggle with the Trell-D addiction makes significantly more sense than the insta-injection by Phlox that fixed it and completely removed it from the storyline that we received.

And MY reaction would have been more ... pronounced if she left just the top button fastened! :D

Don't stop there! I've GOT to see his reaction to all this. Please?

hahaha... I love the fabric "valiantly struggling" to maintain T'Pol's ...unders ;P

Very nice story, you HAVE to follow it up though, show us how Trip gets around to helping her!!!

Interesting take on the elder-younger T'Pol exchange. Well done.

Thanks everyone for the comments. I wrote this some time ago and put it away. I decided to pull it out, tune it up and jump on the E2 bandwagon.

I'll have something that looks like a sequel when I write a story containing scene additions from E2 to Home from Trip's point of view. I'm still working out the details of how to get TnT through the things we saw in E2, Countdown and Zero Hour to where they are in Home.

Obviously one of the things I'll need to reveal is whether Button One is relieved of its duty or not. I've dropped a couple hints in the story showing how I'm leaning but I haven't decided for sure yet.

Right now I'm spending my time on a short little story set between Extinction and Rajiin told from Archer's point of view. He finally steps out of the command center long enough to notice a distinct change in his two senior officers. He struggles with just how big of a change it might be.

Nice insights on the addiction and the interactions of the two T'Pols. Also good pickup on T'Pol's female Vulcan sense of smell as we discovered it in the very first ENT episode, since the Vulcan (male?) sense of smell in general is not supposed to be as good as the Human - you know, their bland food and all that. That scene with Trip and T'Pol injuring each other - riviting and shows Trip's tenacity for those he cares for. Please continue this story!

Loved it!

Nicely done. Great, insightful work, too! :)

someone mentioend the scene where Trip and T'Pol fight - I have to say the one thing I liked which showed Trip having some balls rather than being a really touchy feely lovey (and in this case what woulda been a little pansy-assish) was how he supposedly called out "LOCK HER IN THE BRIG AND WELD THE DOOR SHUT!" it sounded kind of callous at first when you read it, but you realize that if he had been all warm and understanding through and through, it just wouldn't be quite right for the context. I'm glad he got pissed and wouldn't talk to her for awhile...

Good job on that :)

I completely agree with JohnO/LSR here regarding Trip's reaction. Given (a) the extent of Tucker's injuries from the scuffle and (b) the fact that he just discovered T'Pol is an addict and has been lying to him for quite a while, his reaction makes absolute sense to me. I also really like Archer's reaction: removing T'Pol from a command position only makes sense following this discovery and is one of my primary problems with ENT following Damage & the subsequent Trell-D "after effects".

Have you thought of the fact that ordering her confined to the brig with insurance against her escape provided by a welding torch might have been Trip's version of "tough love"? She can't get to the drugs if she's sealed in the brig. Granted... I'm sure hs was pissed at her... but I also think he had her interests at heart when he gave the order. I know... I'm such a romantic.

Uh...broken collarbone, concussion, three broken ribs, punctured lung, seperated shoulder, fractures on the arm PLUS learning that T'Pol was using Trell-D. Given how difficult she was to contain in Impulse, I think he was more concerned about the safety of others than T'Pol at that moment. In that moment, I think it likely that he sees her as a threat to the welfare of the rest of the crew and a possible threat to the successful completion of their mission.

But that's just MY opinion...

Love it!

I really feel good to see that people picked up on Trip's reaction. Probably one of the most frustrating things to me about ST:ENT is the lack of consequences or repercusions of significant/questionable/bad behavior or decisions. That simply isn't realistic.

So in my story world, E2 T'Pol pays a steep price for her addiction. She loses Archer's (previously) unwavering trust for good. She loses her command rank. She nearly loses Trip for good. But I'm not heartless (:->) so I wanted something good to come from it. Knowing her situation brings Trip out of his own depressed funk at blaming himself for them going back 117 years. With her time more free, she is able to work with Phlox on a way to have Lorian. In the end, she becomes the ship's matriarch and, with Lorian, keeps them focused on their goal decades in the future. Malcolm becomes first officer and does an admirable job in his critical role.

If I ever decide to jump into the E2 timeframe, the story I would write is one from Trip's perspective covering the day before this where Trip is depressed about their situation and worried about T'Pol's erratic behavior until the time he shows up at T'Pol's door and takes control.

Oh, and BTW, Trip didn't really shout "lock her in the brig and weld the door shut". It was really a whispered hiss that took all his effort. He's in a lot of pain (mentally and physically) and getting it out was not easy. He was so pissed at that time he was basically saying, "lock her up and throw away the key". Archer's response wasn't a whole lot different and he confines her to quarters indefinitely. Fortunately for her, Trip personally vouches for her and Archer eventually relents partially.

Hey, good idea about Malcolm. It also explains why he died a bachelor in the E2 'verse; the XO position is a very demanding one so he's so focused on juggling his duties as First Officer & TAC that he misses the signals that Hoshi sends him and thus misses that opportunity.

WOW!
Now some how this is a lot more like how I imagined the T'pol/T'old conversation went on.

You certinly had the harshest E2 view of how TnT got together. But I think the one thing every one gets right about Trip,, is no matter what He will always find in it himself to forgive,, I wonder though In yer E2 Verse,, was He goinin to eventual go to T'pol or was it Phlox talkin with him that helped him to decide to go help her??, an I honestly beleave he never stoped Loving T'pol.

I always beleaved with out a shadow of a doubt that what was so allurin to T'pol about Trip was his Unrelenting Devotion to those he cared for.

And as cruel as it may be I kinda liked that T'pol had to continue payin for her "Sin's",,, never gettin her Command status back an all that.

Oh well Im ramblin on her.
I really enjoyed this Fic,,,, an really loved that T'pol took T'olds words to heart.
Great Job.

^^ Harshest, perhaps, but IMO probably the most realistic.

No doubt on that.

I don't want people to think that T'Pol's life was cruel or harsh after Archer and Trip found out she was an addict who possibly endangered the ship. Far from it. At the beginning of the story, T'Pol says the following to herself: "I gained very much more than I lost as a result of my errors."

I think she found, as T'Les told T'Pol in "Home" that there is more to life than just your career. I believe she found the twin roles of mother and Enterprise's matriarch very rewarding.

I apologize if my comments were misinterpreted; I was merely commenting that your version of the E2-verse seems to make a great deal more sense than some of the more idealized versions that I've read. Unfortunately, thanks to the show, there never appeared to be any real consequences to really stupid actions (Archer in far too many eps, T'Pol with the Trell-D, Trip & the Cogenitor) so I really liked the dose of realism that you through in. Addiction is not cured with a simple hypospray; there is a mental aspect that ENT simply threw out the window and ignored. I was glad to see that you did not. She fraked up and paid the price but, in the end, realized that her life was better for it...

Looking forward to your next fic, Kevin...

Yeah what Rigil said. ^ Gota go now.
I Really enjoyed the Fic Kevin.

Amen to all of the above, from someone whose also written in the same Esquared universe. Good job. It helps to have a backstory in your head and stick to it. I like what you're doing.

Great job, Continue !

This isn't exactly a review, but someone said this was the most realist story of Trip's reaction to the Trellium-D. Kevin did a great job but also check out Peter Simon's High Maintance Woman, which I just discovered last week. T'Pol confesses her Trellium addition and Trip DOESN'T forgive her! When I read that I thought Wow! No one's done that before. It was really good.

I really loved your story Kevin. There's not much more I can say that hasn't been already said. I'm down, too with a sequel and I am looking foward to the story you are working on. Sounds like a ggod plot and to see totally clueless Archer "wake up".