Touch of Gray

Touch of Gray

By Kevin

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters mentioned within this text are the sole property of Paramount Studios, UPN, and Viacom. I intend no infringement.
Genre: Season One Fic Challenge
Summary: Subcommander T’Pol writes a letter to herself about the changes she has experienced while on Enterprise

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Subcommander T’Pol sat at the desk in her quarters. She was unable to meditate. Events of the past weeks troubled her and prevented her from concentrating this evening. Since her rape by Tolaris, maintaining control had been difficult at best. She remembered her father’s advice that when problems became too difficult to control, sometimes it was best to write them down. Confronting them in that fashion, problems would often seem less significant and prove easier to overcome and control.

She reflected on her parents. They had been two very different individuals. Her mother was a good Vulcan scientist. She was the epitome of the ideal Vulcan mother. She had raised her daughter properly and attempted to instill the notions of logic, control and duty to both her family and Vulcan. Her father had been… less rigid. He had spent considerable time away from Vulcan and encountered many different species. She recalled a conversation with him shortly after her return from P’Jem fifteen years ago. He had told her “life is not black and white, it is shades of gray”. When she questioned his meaning, he told her he could not tell her. She could only discover the meaning for herself.

Her desire to discover the meaning behind her father’s advice after his passing led to her posting on this ship. A ship of humans. She found only one reference to life being shades of gray. It was a human saying. Her continued pursuit to understand her father’s advice now had significantly damaged her position with the Vulcan High Command. She recognized it seemed to matter little what her position with the VHC was now. Her mother would be ashamed of her for thinking that way.

She picked up the PADD to write.

I am now certain the choice to remain aboard Enterprise and support Captain Archer was correct. In my role as Vulcan Observer, it was expected that I provide him guidance necessary for this crew’s safety. I have come to respect him regardless of whether I agree with his decisions or methods. I find my interaction with the crew of Enterprise has evolved. I believe they have embraced me as a member of this crew instead of simply an outside observer. I also find the title of Vulcan Observer inaccurate to describe my role aboard this ship. Often I fill a role similar to Executive Officer aboard a typical human vessel.

The most pronounced change since my arrival has been my relationship with Commander Tucker. It has evolved in a way I could not have predicted.

When I arrived on this ship, I anticipated his initial reaction. The Vulcan High Command file classified him as Archer’s protégé with a questionable educational background. He was hostile, confrontational and arrogant. His views were parochial. Everything I had come to expect from a human. He confirmed all of this at the start of our first mission. Later, though he demonstrated a naïve curiosity that betrayed his arrogance. I first became aware of this trait on Rigel X. Captain Archer had assigned us together. Commander Tucker was easily distracted from our mission and only later did I learn he had never been to another inhabited planet. It was only then I understood the logic in Captain Archer’s assignment.

Commander Tucker and I were exposed to a contagious spore, which led to our time in Doctor Phlox’s decontamination chamber. As we applied the protective gel, he traced the shell of my ears. Certain he was challenging me with this highly inappropriate act, I refused to surrender to the provocation. When I broke away from his touch, the look on his face though displayed only intense curiosity. He was like a child who had encountered something previously unknown and had surrendered to the desire to touch it and learn its mysteries. He did not appear to have any idea how inappropriate his touch had been.

I was able to maintain control and the only indication of the intense arousal he caused were the puckered nipples against my shirt. That was only an autonomic response no different than his erect penis as I rubbed his back. This was nothing more than our bodies naturally responding to stimulation. At the time I had been curious to detect any change in his scent during arousal. The gel prevented that however. Its smell masked any other. His scent is unique among the human males aboard this ship. Except for his, they range from mildly unpleasant to offensive to almost unbearable. His is different from the rest. It is never unpleasant. As the nasal numbing agent wears off, his scent is almost inviting.

I have considered reducing the strength of my medication to more fully experience it. That would probably be unwise though. Once I timed my use of nasal inhibitors to ensure the medication would wear off before Commander Tucker returned from the Xyrillian ship. He had been there three days and I knew his scent would be stronger than normal. It was overwhelming and I decided to see how long I could remain off the medication. It was a mistake that I came to regret the next day.

Dr. Phlox called Captain Archer and myself to sick bay. He informed us that Commander Tucker had become pregnant while on the Xyrillian ship. The combination of his scent, seeing him in his undergarments and the startling news weakened my control. I could barely contain my anger at his behavior. Even worse, the thought of how could he do this to me? pounded in my head. I had no reason to react that way. It was not logical at all. I had almost contained my anger when Ensign Sato distracted me. I broke my promise and revealed his pregnancy to her. My behavior was so shameful I avoided him for days afterward.

Commander Tucker once told me he needed to challenge his preconceptions before they challenged him. I recognize he has forced me to do the same. At first I considered him too immature to be of interest. In a period of weakness I did allow him to stimulate my baser emotions but I never considered him worthy of my time. I have now come to think of Commander Tucker as an ally. His actions after reading the letter from Koss’ family about my betrothal displayed a level of discretion and integrity I never expected from him. Captain Archer has assured me that Commander Tucker refused all requests to divulge the content of the message. When I discussed the matter with Commander Tucker, his primary concern seemed to be that I chose what I wanted and not what my culture expected of me. It was clear that he did not wish me to leave Enterprise.

That response has made me curious about Commander Tucker’s recent actions toward myself. Ensign Sato informed me that Commander Tucker appeared concerned as much for my safety as the Captain’s while we were held at Coridan. His actions during our recent encounter with the unknown intruders raise further questions. Commander Tucker possessed only a limited amount of vaccine to awaken the crew. He had to recognize the hypo-spray held no more than enough for two or three total doses. One dose had already been used on Captain Archer. Instead of treating Lt. Reed, the logical first choice as tactical officer, he began with me.

While I do not spy on the Enterprise crewmembers, I did overhear a conversation between Lt. Reed and Ensign Sato. I believe it was a form of communication the humans call gossip. Lt. Reed informed her that Commander Tucker had asked Kov about Vulcan mating habits. Ensign Sato responded that she heard Commander Tucker asked Kov a number of questions about Vulcan male/female relationships. Lt. Reed speculated that ‘he was smitten by her’. I looked up the definition of ‘smitten’. Since Commander Tucker has not been killed, the intended definition is a deep fondness for another. I assume Lt. Reed meant the ‘her’ to be me.

I believe Commander Tucker was acting on his curiosity about a subject he felt was inappropriate to discuss with me. I have observed that human males will discuss topics amongst themselves that they will not discuss in the presence of females. His human sense of propriety combined with his intense curiosity would naturally lead him to approach a Vulcan male if one was available. Since reports indicate that he and Kov developed a sense of camaraderie, Kov would be the natural source of information. I am unsure the value of that information given he was V'tosh ka'tur.

I believe I now understand my father’s advice. Commander Tucker is more complex than he first appeared. He is not as simple as black and white. He displays shades of gray. In return he has made my life more complex. I experience shades of gray. My father was correct. He could not explain this to me. I had to find out for myself.

She looked at the PADD. Her father was correct about one other thing. As she reflected on what she wrote, the problems did not seem as troubling as before. She wondered if Commander Tucker would again dare to read her files. No, he would never do that again. She realized there was no reason to save the file then. She pressed the erase button and put down the PADD. She could now meditate.

The End

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A whole mess of folks have made comments

Excellent story! i'm starting to get very worried about the obsession some people have with T'Pol smelling Trip. I get a very Hannibal Lecter vibe. But I love the story!!!

Hey, this is good!! Interesting to see things from T'Pol's POV. How about a series of fics from the first season in her POV???

Hee hee! Hannibal Lecter! Maybe she'll consider having his liver with fava beans! Anyway (sorry, got carried away with the comment), great story. I agreed with what StarTrek_chick says, but I would also like to see it in other challenges for other seasons.

Wow interesting look at T'pols POV.
Really shows true to both TnTs character',, Since T'pol represented the Vulcans of this time,, and Trip represented the Humans,, and how that both species were at turning point in their History,, an TnT really are the first exsamples of true understanding between them. I just love that to better understand humans T'pol looks to Trip..

BTW ;) Vulcans dont eat meat,,, So Trips safe from Polly.

Very nicely done....I loved her thinking and rethink their evolving relationship.. Would like to see what she thinks in seasons 2 & 3......Sequel.......Good work.....T

I love the POV, and I don't have any problem with assuming that someone with an unusually sensitive sense of smell would learn to identify people by their odors, and even associate those odors with pleasurable memories and sensations. Humans do it too. Haven't you ever identified someone by the cologne they wear, and enjoyed their company more because of it? I have.

Oooooooo, interesting! The whole smell issue was great... actually, this was all pretty great! :)

Interesting T'Pol POV. Your story really tied events from season 1 together. Good job!

Great little story!!

Very interesting approach, the story from the POV.
I hope you will give us more of this!
Please!