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The Illogical Human

Author - Myst123 | Genre - Humor | I | Main Story | Rating - PG-13 | T
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The Illogical Human

by myst123

Submitted for Trip/T’Polers Fanfiction contest.
Rated: PG-13
Plot Category: T’Pol Courts Trip
Spoilers for: Dead Stop, Two Days/Two Nights, Precious Cargo (sorry if I missed anything else)
Contact: mystbbs@earthlink.net
Rules: I read them and agree to the terms.
Disclaimer: Star Trek situations, characters, and name are all owned by Paramount. This work is non-commercial, not for sale or profit, and may not be sold or reproduced for commercial purposes. Miss Austen provided the inspiration.

************

He was the most illogical human. She much preferred the Captain who was less volatile, or the disciplined Lieutenant Reed who vigilantly obeyed regulations. She was aware both these men were attracted to her, but that couldn’t be helped – it was logical for one to ignore the less savory aspects of human male behavior. But then there was Commander Tucker. There was nothing Vulcan about him – he was so completely human, so unlike anyone she had known before.

However, just when she had declared him utterly human and unworthy of notice, she found his approach to problem solving unusual but effective. Although she frequently noted his less than perfect approaches to logic, she was caught by the fact that he would creatively reach similar conclusions to herself. He often took an illogical path, one which wound by such emotions as loyalty, fear or annoyance, but there he was in the end with the most logical of conclusions. For example, a few months ago Enterprise had stopped at a fully automated repair station which had been programmed to adjust its technology to fix any damaged ship. The wonders of the place were revealed to have a hideous secret, but at the beginning the logical conclusion was that all was as it appeared to be. T’Pol during the hiatus from work took careful note of how humans responded to this highly technical, logical environment. She found it disturbed the Captain, who kept to his quarters and kept muttering something about human instincts. Others enjoyed the recreation the station provided, one of those being Commander Tucker. When confronted by the protein sequencer initially, she proved the power of the technology by ordering cold water – a beverage essential to humans and Vulcans and, by specifying temperature, demonstrated the technology could compute such an order. Commander Tucker, on the other hand, had to choose one of his favorite dishes, pan-fried catfish. By doing so he was able to enjoy an excellent meal, which was always a priority with this particular human, and in the process revealed that the station must have scanned all of Enterprise’s databanks to both discover the genome for catfish and the recipe to make the dish. It was an emotional choice, but provided important data. Both concluded that the technology was far advanced beyond their own abilities, but that it could prove useful both as a means of repairing the station and, if adapted for use on Enterprise, replicating parts as needed. Unfortunately, the Captain rejected testing the protein sequencer, an emotional response based upon his instincts, but this decision hindered their cumulative knowledge of the station and the equipment.

Furthermore, although Commander Tucker appeared to be impressed by the speed and accuracy of the station’s work, it later was revealed he found the whole thing a puzzle. He apparently realized the part of the station he hadn’t seen wasn’t large enough to hold the massive computer he, in his parochial human way, believed should be present. Instead of being disciplined and reporting his suspicions to his commanding officer and first officer, he tempted the most upright of all the crew to crawl through a duct to identify the source of the station’s power. As the Captain correctly stated, the two men could have been killed. But, again, by a circuitous path driven by curiosity Mr. Tucker accurately pinpointed the place where the surprising source of power for the ship was held and a route for accessing that spot.

Fortunately, for all his emotional reactions, over the past few months T’Pol did find Commander Tucker somewhat trainable. When asked questions requiring him to reach a logical conclusion, he did prove himself capable. She discovered quickly in the early days as second in command that the engineer would stubbornly refuse to follow direct orders if he felt the Captain was in danger of being abandoned. This tendency to argue had proved time consuming and T’Pol pondered methods for reducing the inefficiency of such behavior. She found if she took into account the time which would be required to allow Commander Tucker to come to the same logical conclusion as herself, plus posed questions which allowed him to arrive at the correct conclusion, operations went much smoother. He was very easy to manage once she discovered this.

She decided, after observing these humans for some time, it was logical to discover how this quintessential human, Mr. Tucker, functioned. For purely scientific reasons, she would carefully note everything about him. Satisfied with her plan, she needed a strategy to begin the process. In the first step towards getting to know his behavior better, she would listen carefully to his conversations, thus allowing her to determine if there were any patterns to reveal his nature. Fortunately, with her extremely keen hearing, she could do so unobtrusively. The Commander would never know she was listening and she could gather data to enhance her knowledge of humans.

****************************************

“What does the Sub-Commander mean by listening to my conversations?,” Trip demanded in a whispered voice to Malcolm during a coffee break one morning. Reed glanced around the room and saw T’Pol across the room.

“What do you mean, listening to you? She is sitting on the other side of the room, Trip. She couldn’t possibly hear anything you are saying, and she wouldn’t be interested if she could.”

“I can feel her listening. It gives me the creeps. I’m going to ask her what she means by it.”

“You’ll only embarrass yourself. You should be careful – she is your commanding officer you know.”

“I’ll bet she’s set up some sort of scientific observation about humans and has decided to listen to us to see what makes us tick.”

“You’re being paranoid. What is it with you and Vulcans anyway? Why do you hate them so much?”

“I don’t hate anyone, they just make me very uncomfortable. I don’t understand them.”

“But they are so predictable. You always know what T’Pol is going to say or recommend in any given situation. I find that comforting.”

“You would.”

********

“Hello, Subcommander.”

“Mr. Tucker.”

“Do you think I expressed myself well in my discussion with the Lieutenant?”

“You were discussing food, Commander, you always get animated about the topic and you go into great detail. You were no more or less expressive than normal.”

“So you WERE listening to my conversation! Care to tell me why? And what the hell do you mean I was expressing myself normally? How many of my conversations have you listened to?”

“Over the past year and a half, Commander, I have listened to you talk about food every day, and you usually find it an absorbing topic which causes you to become animated.”

Disconcerted, Trip mumbled that he didn’t realize he talked about food so much. “You do,” T’Pol informed him calmly.

*************

“So did she explain why she was listening to you in the first place?”

“No, I got sidetracked and forgot to follow through.”

“Maybe she was listening to me. The world doesn’t revolved around you, you know Trip.”

“I’m sure I have my fans, Malcolm, and for all I know everything I do provides them with hours of fun and speculation.”

“Humph. You do have an ego, Trip.”

***********

T’Pol was puzzled. Her plan had been derailed very quickly. Evidently listening in on the Commander’s conversations was not going to be as fruitful as she envisioned. How he knew what she was doing was worthy of further exploration. She would revise her plan and approach the subject from a different direction.

***********

Trip, T’Pol and the Captain were dining one evening soon after, when an opportunity arose to further her objectives.

“I see Rear Window is playing at movie night tonight, Trip.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Have you seen it before?”

“No, have you?”

“Yes, it is very good. You and T’Pol should go. You would love the mystery and T’Pol would enjoy the puzzle.”

T’Pol was very ready to accept this proposal, but irritatingly the Commander didn’t cooperate.

“Commander, I would be willing to attend this function.”

“No, I have impulse manifolds to purge this evening.” **Are you kidding, lady? I’m not going to be some specimen in whatever little experiment you are conducting.**

“Trip, surely you could do that later, or even when you are on duty?”

“Sorry, Cap’n, not tonight. Thanks, T’Pol, all the same. I’m sure the Lieutenant hasn’t seen the movie and would be willing to go with you. Why don’t you ask him?”

************

T’Pol was beginning to think the Commander did not want to spend time with her. He skillfully evaded her attempts to observe and analyze him. This behavior was beginning to … annoy … her. She determined she needed to revise her strategies once more.

************

“Commander Tucker, do you have a moment?”

“What do you want, Sub-Commander?”

“I have a story to tell you.”

“A story?”

“Yes, you like stories, do you not?”

“Yes, but not in the middle of the day when I have to work on the warp core for the next six hours.”

“Oh. When would you like to hear a story? This evening?”

“What is this about, T’Pol?”

“It is a story about….”

“No, not the story. What is this conversation about? What do you want? Why do you want to tell me a story in the middle of the day? Or even tonight?”

“It is a good story, and I know you will want to hear it.”

“The story I want to hear is what you are up to.”

“Up to?”

“Forget it, T’Pol. We just can’t communicate well enough to understand each other.”

**********

The man was proving to be impossible. What would it take to get him to unknowingly cooperate so that her data would reflect his nature? T’Pol found controlled environments sometimes inhibited a subject’s natural responses, so she required an ordinary setting or situation which would provide her with acceptable results. The Commander was proving so elusive she would probably have only one opportunity to gather the raw data to make her conclusions, which meant she had to make her next move very meaningful. Otherwise, she was beginning to realize she would have to rely on such casual observations made during work or mealtimes to continue her fact finding.

***************

“Trip, you have to give this up. T’Pol is not stalking you. She has no more interest in you, a human, than she does in a piece of dust.”

“What about the eavesdropping? The movie? Did she invite you? No, she did not. The story? I’m telling you Malcolm she is up to something. And if she wanted to analyze a piece of dust, she would stalk that too. It is because I am human she is haunting my every move. She has decided she wants to know more about us and is probably going to go through each one of us individually, make notes, and log them into a database which she will then use to extrapolate data and explain us to her fellow Vulcans back home. I can see it now. She will observe that I do ‘x’ and come to the wild conclusion that it means ‘y’. No, the only way to stop her from using us as her own personal laboratory rats is to thwart her now. It is up to me.”

“You need to chill, Trip.”

*************

This human male was not going to get the better of her, a superior Vulcan. She would observe him and he would like it. No more games. Commander Tucker clearly liked alien women – he had managed to be involved with three so far. And who knows what happened on Risa. With one of the alien women he had even become pregnant, so he was clearly susceptible to persuasion of some sort. What qualities did those women have that she could utilize herself in her scientific quest? Was there a pattern to his behavior with those women?

**********

“Dr. Phlox, I know you are a keen observer of mating rituals. Previously we discussed human males and alien women. I stated then that human males are easily intrigued by alien women, but seldom does the interest last. Have you noticed anything about the behavior of the men on Enterprise which provide further insight into the issue?”

“Sub-Commander, has someone approached you with a romantic suggestion?”

“No, no. This is not about me. This is about humans and their patterns of behavior. I am seeking to know our fellow crewmen better.”

“Ahh, yes, I see. Do you have anyone specific in mind?”

“No.”

“I haven’t observed first hand his behavior with alien women, but Commander Tucker has interacted more than anyone else on the crew. He seems to get along quite well with them.”

“And can you postulate why that might be?”

“No, my remarks are based upon the results – he became pregnant by one, provided another with a protein resequencer to make ice cream, and came back refreshed rather than distressed from the experiences he shared with the princess.”

T’Pol’s eyes narrowed at the last statement. Did Mr. Tucker have his tensions eased somehow with the princess? His efficiency had increased 3.125847% recently, but she had not connected the two incidents. Upon his return from Risa, his productively remained constant. She needed to return to her quarters and analyze his productively after the encounters with Ah’Lenn and Lianna. Yes, this avenue of investigation was proving to be encouraging. Perhaps helping him relieve his tensions would be a wise solution. She would find a means to explore Commander Tucker and in the process further her understanding of all humans. It was logical.

**************

“Lieutenant Reed, may I join you for a moment?”

“Yes, Sub-Commander T’Pol. May I help you with something?”

“No, I just wanted to converse with you casually.”

“Oh, all right. What would you like to talk about?”

“On Risa, what did you and Commander Tucker do?”

Reed choked on his beverage and felt color rise under his skin. Somehow T’Pol had discovered what happened in the cellar and was clearly investigating the incident. Would she report him? Could he convince her that he was a victim of Trip’s lackadaisical research on Risan crime? He would murder Trip if he, Reed, suffered in T’Pol’s eyes over those two con men. She would tell the Captain, and neither would trust their tactical officer again.

“Did you have any specific activities in mind, Sub-Commander?”

“Where did you go? Did you meet any aliens and, if so, what observations did you and Commander Tucker make about the aliens you encountered?”

“We didn’t really talk with anyone other than two women for a short time. We found ourselves tied up in a conversation with a couple of alien men and ended up exploring the underworld of Risa. You know my interest in security. It was an ideal opportunity to learn about crime on other worlds.”

“So you did not spend time seeking to relieve your tensions?”

“No, oh no. We took a purely academic interest in the visit.”


**********

“This is all your fault, Trip. Because of you I have lied to the Sub-Commander and my reputation as a tactical officer may be in doubt.”

“Calm down, Malcolm. She isn’t really interested in what happened on Risa. Somehow she is trying to track efficiency rates of individuals who went to Risa, I just know it. She wants to know if we should have shore leave on a regular basis. What were your efficiency numbers after we got back?”

“Through the roof. I was so mortified by the whole experience I worked non-stop for days.”

“See, she is probably concluding right now that shore leave is good for productivity and formulating a recommendation to the Captain about future plans for more.”

“You had better be right, Trip. I’m not losing my reputation because you can’t be bothered to figure out if the aliens we meet are men, women, criminals, or what.”

“I knew it Malcolm, you blame me! Everything was my fault! Well let me tell you, you…….”

**************

Trip was livid. T’Pol’s little experiment was costing him his friendship with Malcolm, and that he would not tolerate. He would find Miss High and Mighty Science Officer and explain some facts of life to her in no uncertain terms. The nerve of the woman. He tracked her down to her quarters.

“T’Pol, I want to speak with you right now.”

“I am preparing to meditate, Commander. Can this not wait?”

“No, it can’t. You’ve been eager enough to spend time with me over the last few days. Now is the time I’ve designated for us to have this little chat.”

“You are clearly agitated Mr. Tucker. Perhaps you would like to join me in mediation to calm yourself.”

“See, you’re doing it again! Looking to observe me in a “situation” so you can analyze me. Did you think I wouldn’t figure out what you’re doing? You’ve been looking at me like I’m an insect under a microscope – you want to dissect me to figure out how humans work. You have to justify to yourself and to your Vulcan High Command your decision to stay on Enterprise, so you are setting up the ship as a laboratory to examine us. Is it your ambition to become so knowledgeable about humans you will have a long and successful career? Write papers? Give speeches to fellow Vulcans about these primitive humans?”

“You are being irrational, Commander. I have no such plans.”

“Well, whatever it is you are doing, stop now. Don’t follow me any more.”

“I have not been following you. I noted during our time on this ship that, although you appear to be illogical, you constantly come to logical conclusions. I hoped to find out more about your methods of reasoning by observing you in different situations. I found you worthy of my attention.”

“I’m not illogical,” Trip said in an offended voice. “I’m the most logical person in my family, I’ll have you know.”

T’Pol felt something like surprise at this statement. There were individuals in Mr. Tucker’s family who were more emotional than he? Was it possible? Would she ever get to meet these beings and see for herself?

“I’m sorry you are insulted, Commander. My interest is purely scientific and benign.”

“I don’t know why you decided to start your research into human behavior by putting me under the spotlight, but I don’t like it. You want to know about humans? Then you sit and talk with them, get to know them, ask them questions. You don’t manufacture situations to observe them in their natural surroundings, such as at a movie or being told a story. We are not here for your scientific pleasure – we are your colleagues and deserve to be treated with respect. You have the nerve to tell me I’m illogical and yet worthy of your time? I have disliked Vulcans before, T’Pol, but none the way I dislike you right at this moment. I’m out of here.”

Trip strode to the door, pressed the button to open it, and left. T’Pol stood and watched the door close, staring blankly ahead, alone. After some time, she turned and walked to her computer. Pulling up the files titled “Commander Tucker,” she deleted them one by one. Then she returned to her mat to begin her meditation.

The End

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Seven people have made comments

I really, really liked this!!! I had to chuckle every time Trip would thwart her efforts to observe him in various situations. Then she would have to again 'change her plans'.

Also, I found that your approach to this was very original and in keeping with T'pol's character, ie quite logical. Very well-written, almost clinical which is fitting considering that for T'pol it was a scientific pursuit.

Thanks.

haHA! Lab Rat Trip! Great idea! Love the way T'Pol tries to justify her attraction by makin' it all scientific. Fantastic approach!

I chuckled so much reading this one, it was very entertaining. Loved how T'Pol kept deceiving herself about the real reason she was observing Trip. One thing that piqued my interest in particular was how he knew and could sense what she was up to. A subliminal link between them? Hmmm, that could be an interesting way to go. Thanks for a great story, well written. Ali D :~)

Well written and amusing. I want to know what happens next.

You *have* to write a sequel to this Myst! You can't leave it there!

Great story myst. T'Pol approached everything very logically - it was really funny in parts too without her falling out of character.

That was absolutely hilarious! I loved T'Pol's ideas and Tucker's (and even Reed's) reaction. Keep on writing!