I Cherish Thee

I Cherish Thee

By Samantha Quinn

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst/Romance. Someday, I shall write an ENT story that is not a T/T, and does not have angst. Today is not the day.
Disclaimers: If I owned them, Trip would have permanent chest hair. But I don’t own them, Paramount does, Trip’s chest hair comes and goes, and TPTB are making vast amounts of money while I thrive on baloney and ramen noodles throughout graduate school. Translation: no profit by me=no reason to sue by others.
A/N: This one’s not betaed. Mistakes are acknowledged and apologized for up front.
Summary: T’Pol realizes what she cannot give to Trip.

~~~

Today, I shall leave him. Unquestionably, it shall be the hardest task I have ever undertaken. Logic and sense dictate that I will be doing the correct course of action. Our relationship has rarely been subjected to the rules of common sense or logic, however. I find no relief in the irony that our breakup shall employ the very principles of logic that has escaped our union.

Regardless of my lack of relief, the union must end. We are not a compatible pair.

There is equally no satisfaction to be obtained from our lack of compatibility. Satisfaction? Who do I seek to fool? I shall experience pain today when I sever our union. Not physical pain – but emotional. For all that I profess to be free from such human encumbrances, today shall be the day that I will be unable to deny their existence.

He knows the fallacy of that argument, of course. My th’y’la recognizes the fact that although my people claim otherwise, we are capable of experiencing emotion. He does not understand the need to suppress the expression of such emotions. If he understood, perhaps we would be more compatible.

In most manners, he has made considerable concessions in our relationship. Before beginning my relationship with Charles, I would have assumed him too emotionally fragile to engage in any long term relationship. I would have readily agreed that he lacked the maturity to engage in an interspecies relationship.

I was wrong.

If I were Betazoid, Denobulan, Andorian, Tellarite, Centurian, or even Klingon, his concessions would have been enough. If I were any of those species, I could meet his compromise with one of my own. If I were any species but a Vulcan, I could tell him what he yearns to hear. I could say “I love you.”

But I am Vulcan.

I know that I do not always obey the strictest of my people’s laws. I chose to travel with humans. I took one as a mate. Is it because of my propensity to conflict with my people’s beliefs that I hold on so tightly to the basic tenets? I do not know. But I will not give in. I may never be as logical as T’Pau, Skon, or even Soval. But I will not become a V’Tosh Ka’Tur. I may defy convention, but I will not become a Vulcan without logic.

To openly express feeling would be a direct affront to Surak’s teachings. It would require me to forsake my Vulcan heritage. I cannot. I will not.

Not even for him.

It is not the path he would chose. Predictably, he would chose to continue to disagree over our relationship. The disagreements have grown more frequent of late. They alter between his quiet brooding and his louder, angry protests. I find I prefer the louder displays, such as the one that took place one week ago.

*^*^*^*^*^*^

“ ‘Night, T’Pol.”

“Then I guess there really isn’t anything else to say. Good night, T’Pol.”

*^*^*^*^*^*^

Occasionally, he will simply turn away after failing to receive a reciprocation of his phrase. Those events have grown ever more frequent.

I do not find fault with Charles for wanting what I cannot give. He is human. Humans are highly emotional creatures. Their matings are equally so. Still, I find it difficult to understand why he cannot grasp the full extent of what he is asking me to do. He wishes for me to tell him I love him. He desires verbal expressions of emotions I have spent a lifetime trying to suppress. He wishes for me to profess a feeling for which there is no Vulcan word.

Is such sentiment the human expression of love?

That is not a fair assessment. My time with Charles has been an enriching experience. My life has been a more . . . satisfying one because of his involvement in it. The beneficial aspects of our union outweigh the negative aspects. If my own well being were the only one that needed considering, I would stay.

But he lacks satisfaction with our union. I once brought him illogical, unnecessary amounts of joy with my presence. The smile that once threatened to be my undoing now rarely graces his features. It is unquestionably a direct result of the decline of our relationship. I have seen him smile in the presence of others.

Including other females.

He has remained faithful, of course. But my th’y’la has always attracted a large number of female admirers – human and non-human. It would only be selfish of me to remain a fixture in his life, knowing there are many others who can – and will – take my place and give to Charles what I cannot.

Thus, today I will leave. I shall return to Vulcan, where eventually my time of pon far shall force me to take a mate. I am not certain whether Charles will marry a human. Perhaps he shall marry a Betazoid – both species are opposite enough from humans to provide the emotional demonstration my th’y’la desires.

He shall never cease to be my th’y’la.

I do not know look forward to the taking of another. He shall have to be an exceptional Vulcan, one who holds no hostility towards humans, as his mate has lain with one. He will by necessity have to understand the depth of my attachment for Charles. I do not know how I will make my future bond mate understand when I have so clearly failed in making Charles understand.

He must understand how deeply I cherish my th’y’la.

Perhaps it will be his very Vulcan nature that will enable him to understand the logic that motivates me to leave my th’y’la, even as I so dearly cherish him.

Will his Vulcan blood enable him to understand what I have tried to explain to Charles so many times?

Will he understand that I cherished Charles enough to retire to bed when he retired, although I did not need the same amount of sleep as he. The only substantial benefit being the ability to hear his breath and heartbeat beside me as I drifted off to sleep.

I cherished him enough to permit myself to trust him in the midst of a large quantity of females, based solely upon his promise of fidelity.

I cherished him enough to be silent and permit him to discover the flaws in his reasoning that I myself detected long before he did. I knew his personality would desire nothing less.

I cherished him enough to perform the extremely intimate procedure such as the neuropressure before our union was official, in a desperate attempt to cease his pain.

I cherished him enough to attend his precious movie night because of its symbolic importance to him – regardless of the inanity of the majority of the films shown.

I cherished him enough to share my deepest concerns, disappointments, and secrets with him.

I cherished him enough to chose him as my mate, regardless of the shunning such action would cause amongst my people.

I cherished him enough to permit him to see me at my most vulnerable – an action I had never before committed with a human.

I cherished him enough to allow him to permeate my thoughts thoroughly and completely.

I cherished him enough to watch him stumble, fall, and hurt with the human capacity to do so without once pointing out the frailty such conditions implied.

I cherished him enough to acknowledge the grievance which the aforementioned conditions caused me.

But most of all, I cherish Charles Tucker enough to walk away when it became obvious that he desired more out of his mate than our union could give.

Because I cherish him enough to put his own happiness above my well being. Someday, I hope Charles can understand the logic behind my choice.

Perhaps by the time that instance occurs, I will understand why humans feel the need for this emotion of ‘love.’ If the concept of love is so much stronger than the concept of cherishing, then I am thankful I shall not be able to express such an emotion. Cherishing Charles has been the source of immense emotional distress. I could not handle a degree more.

~~~

Continue to Part 2

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Nine of you have made comments

Wow! Talk about bittersweet! Great insight into T'Pol. Maybe she ought to verbalize that to Trip. Maybe Trip needs to shut up and listen. Is this the end or is there more?

More! I want to see his reaction. I want a scene.

Oh, oh. You just broke my heart with this most wonderful fic. Please, let Trip HEAR all her thoughts!!!

*sniffles* Damn. Trip had better not let her run off. Not after a list like that...

Great angst! Now, you know that you have to follow up angst with a happy ending, right (hint, hint)

Wish you weren't so on the mark with your analysis of their relationship. Watching T and T grow closer this season is like watching a crack in a dam grow wider and wider and I'm on the wrong side the dam! Bittersweet is the word.

Good job! You have to write a sequel! Don't leave us hanging, PLEASE!

I enjoy your writing.... and the angst it conveys. However, I question whether T'Pol is that foolish that she does not know that "cherish" in Vulcan is essentially the same as "love" to an Earthling. It would seem to me that Hoshi might be able to clear some things up. It seems to be more of a definitional dilemma.
It makes no sense that "cherish" factors are the same as those associated woth "love".... but yet neither T'Pol or Trip see it. I guess the ultimate message of your story is that LOVE IS BLIND..... or as a Vulcan might put it.....Cherishment is blind?

Rocky, I agree that it does make T'Pol appear foolish, but it doesn't mean that either she or Trip are. T'Pol is simply following the same tradition of all Trek Vulcans in clearly *feeling* something but refusing to acknowledge that it is the same as what humans feel. Which is why they say "concern" when we say "worry" when they mean the same thing. The whole cherish/love thing I actually stole from Sarek who clearly loved his wife and, in the novels at least, tells her how much he cherishes her (Spock's World comes to mind.) In the TNG ep (Sarek? I think), however, he laments that he could never tell her how much he loved her. Surely he cared for her and let her know in a *very* Vulcan fashion, but in the end, he lamented (or, as we would say, regretted) not being able to tell his wife he *loved* her. Or his son. As for Trip, well, he's just being human. There may be a part II to deal with his thoughts on the matter.

Vulcan issues, I suppose. Or simply cultural differences. Either way, feel free to disagree. :)