All or Nothing

All or Nothing

By stub

RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: As far as I know, Paramount still owns them. Which is such a damn shame.
SPOILERS: After “Home” but before “Kir'Shara”
DATE: 3-26-05
SUMMARY: A decision is made.

Author Notes: Sorry this is months late. I'd forgotten about it, then was just not inspired to write for a while.

* * *

Trip Tucker wiped the steamy fog from the mirror with his towel. Even fresh from a shower he still looked like crap. He stared at his haggard reflection and sighed.

"You're pathetic," Trip told himself. "Look at you. It's not like you've never been dumped before."

Not at the altar…while your maybe-possibly-sort-of girlfriend gets married to some other guy for all the wrong reasons.

He wasn't really sure what hurt worse; being around someone he couldn't have or watching her misery and being able to do nothing to change it for her. If he could, Trip certainly would do whatever he could to ease her pain. He loved her, he realized that now. Trip might have been able to deal with this better if he knew T'Pol at least had some affection for her new husband. But she didn't; she didn't even know him. And that killed Trip.

T'Pol was putting logic and her loyalty to her family before her own happiness and that was something Trip would never understand. He knew why she did it, and respected her a great deal for it, but he could never live his life that way.

"And she doesn't understand how you couldn't," he muttered.

He slammed his palms against the mirror. This was just never meant to be no matter how much he loved her. He needed to accept this move on. So did she, but T'Pol didn't seem to want to anymore than Trip did. He knew he had to end whatever it was they had. The look on her face when he told her it was for the best nearly undid him right there in the corridor. Trip didn't know if she understood it wasn't what he wanted but what they both needed. She was married now.

Trip threw his damp towel in the laundry chute and walked out into his quarters. The air was chilly and sent gooseflesh all over his naked body. He quickly crawled into his warm bunk and curled up. He tried not to think of T'Pol, but soon realized that was like trying not to breathe. Everything somehow always came back to the Vulcan. Everything reminded Trip of her.

He sighed and rolled onto his back. He tried to think of his beloved engines and did some quick mathematical formulas in his head. Trip mentally ran through some calculations on warp theory, rethought some ideas he had to improve on engine performance, and eventually thought about how much better these ideas would be with T'Pol's input. They worked together far too much for even his one passion to override his thoughts of her.

"This is ridiculous," said Trip to the darkness. "Maybe Phlox will bring me a sedative."

No sooner had the words left his lips the chime on his door buzzed.

"Wow," he said as he got out of bed. "How'd he know?"

Trip threw his robe on, holding it closed at the waist and opened the door. He cocked his head to the side.

"T'Pol?"

"Trip," said the Vulcan softly, her huge brown eyes gazing up at him.

Mentally he winced at the sound of his name coming from her lips. There was a time not so long ago that Trip cherished that sound and thought he would forever. Now it just made him long for something he could never have.

"Everything all right?" Trip asked. He pulled his robe tighter around him and noticed that T'Pol was dressed similarly.

"I couldn't sleep," she replied, almost sheepishly. "May I come in?"

Trip balked at the request. He ran a hand through his hair as his eyes darted about the corridor. "I don't if that's such a good idea, T'Pol. I mean, look at-"

"Please."

Her voice was so soft and pleading that what little resolve Trip had left with this woman melted away. He sighed and stepped back, allowing her to enter. T'Pol slid past him into his quarters.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you," she said politely.

Tying the belt on his robe, Trip eyed her suspiciously.

"If that's what you were really hoping, then why are you here?"

T'Pol's eyes widened as if she'd been caught in a lie. She blinked and looked away.

"I didn't think you would be asleep," she responded quietly. At his silence, she continued. "You have lost weight and have dark circles under your eyes. I concluded that you have not been sleeping well. It was logical to assume you'd be awake."

Trip snorted. "Logical? I think you threw logic out the window when you got married a few weeks ago."

He hated to be so mean, but it made him feel just a little bit better. She dumped him, after all.

"And what, exactly, is so logical about showing up at your ex-lover's door in the middle of the night?" Trip continued.

"I thought we were still friends," replied T'Pol softly. "If I am mistaken then I will leave."

She made for the door but Trip stuck his arm out.

"You're not mistaken. I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm just still a little bitter."

T'Pol nodded. "As am I."

They were silent for long moments, neither quite daring to look at the other. Unable to stand it, Trip broke first.

"Um, is there something you wanted, T'Pol?" Trip crossed to his bed and sat down.

She watched him adjust his robe, making certain every possible inch of skin was covered. She took a deep breath.

"I am uncertain what I expected to accomplish here," T'Pol admitted. "Perhaps I simply wanted…your company."

Trip looked up at her and smiled in spite of himself. She looked about as lost as he felt.

"I miss you, too," he said softly. Trip sighed loudly. "Why is this so difficult? We can't even have a conversation anymore?"

T'Pol cautiously moved to the bunk and sat down lightly next to the commander. "It is an awkward situation I have placed us in."

He nudged her with his elbow. "Your mother placed us in," Trip corrected.

She looked at him. "It was my choice to go through with the marriage."

"But you did it for her."

T'Pol only nodded and the silence hung between them once again. Trip fidgeted with the belt on his robe.

"For what it's worth," he finally said, "I admire what you did." He looked at her and forced a smile. He hoped it looked reassuring enough.

"Thank you," T'Pol murmured.

The sad tone of her voice made the engineer want to throw his arms around her and hold her tight. Instead, Trip reached out and took her hand. He clasped her fingers in his and was taken slightly aback at how strongly she gripped him. He was even more surprised when T'Pol leaned gently against his shoulder. Biting his lip Trip leaned against her, his own grip on her hand tightening.

"I'm sorry," T'Pol whispered.

"Don't start that," he replied quietly. He gave her hand a squeeze. "You did what you had to do."

"It was not what I wanted."

Trip sighed. "Sometimes you have to do what's best for others."

"It was you who first asked me what I wanted," T'Pol said. "At the time I did not know." She looked up at him. "I understand now."

He smiled at her, genuinely this time. "I remember that."

They continued to gaze at one another, content in the ensuing silence. Without thinking, Trip reached up and stroked her jaw. He found himself drawn to her. He couldn't stop himself from leaning in closer. But he didn't have to. T'Pol met him halfway.

His lips grazed hers lightly. They were both tentative. The softness of her lips made him crave more, the sweetness drew him back again. Trip kissed her fully, his hand snaking around to the back of her head. Her mouth opened to his, their tongues clashed in a fiery dance. T'Pol pulled him closer and he felt her fumble for the belt on his robe.

It was then reality came crashing down on him. Trip quickly grabbed her wrist and pulled back.

"I can't," he said breathlessly. "We can't. I'm sorry."

T'Pol nodded and pulled her hand free from his grasp. "I understand."

Trip hung his head and fought back the frustration swelling in his chest. It just wasn't fair. T'Pol rose from the bed and straightened her bedclothes.

"I'm sorry, T'Pol," he muttered. Trip looked up at her and sighed. "It's either all or it's nothing." He tried to swallow around the growing lump in his throat. That's what it all came down to, wasn't it?

"We can still remain friends," T'Pol suggested. Trip nearly burst into tears. She sounded so hopeful.

"Friends," he repeated and nodded.

T'Pol bowed her head sadly. "Just friends." She turned and quietly left his quarters.

FINIS

***Author's note: I was originally going to make this an NC17 but as I was writing this, I realized that Trip and T'Pol just wouldn't take it that far. I can't see either one of them going through with an extra-marital affair, no matter how much they wanted to. I just couldn't do that to their characters.

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A whole mess of folks have made comments

For what it's worth, I think you made the right choice, Stub. I can't imagine either of the characters engaging in behavior that they would consider "dishonorable." Great job catching Trip's bitterness and despair and showing how it affects T'Pol.

I'm forced to agree with your decision. Trip's been written as an honourable man, and I doubt fooling around with someone elses' wife is something he do.

hey...
nice one. Loved it....

As always Stub...you made the perfect choice for the characters, although I believe Trip would restrain himself out of honour, and T'Pol, the only thing that would restrain her was Trip's pain.

Loved it, I thought you caught their despair quite nicely! As far as this not being an NC17 story - no problem. I'll just wait for *your* version of Bound ;-) that will more than make up for it :-))))

Wonderful as always stubs!!!!!! Your stories are always written well, and this story is no different! You truly have a talent... and I too like that Trip wouldn't head into a sexual relationship with a married woman. Trip's not that kind of man, and you captured that well... cause he still is a man in love... so I think anyone can agree that this would be VERY difficult for the guy.

Thanks for the lovely little story stubs!

And here's to hoping you'll write more stories soon!!!!! ;-)

yes, but time will tell, Thank you, well done. I AM HAPPY NOW. 26.03.2005

I loved that line at the beginning: "You're pathetic," Trip told himself. "Look at you. It's not like you've never been dumped before."
Not at the altar…while your maybe-possibly-sort-of girlfriend gets married to some other guy for all the wrong reasons.
lol!
You really got into Trip's head--really well-written, thanks so much!

*hums* With me it's all or nothin'. Is it all or nothin' with you? It cain't be inbetween. It' cain't be now and then. No half and half romance will do.

Very well done! I honestly wish something like this had happend on the show. It would have showed them really struggling with her decision on a more personal level.

I'm glad that you didn't take it any further (N17). I agree. I don't think that the characters would do the extra marital thing either.

Lovely story, and right in character for both of them. Thanks for posting this.

WOW great and heartbreaking story Stubs.
True to both characters.Thanks for this one. Even if I do love your more expected Smutt stories its one like this that realy let you know what great characters T/T truely are.

I love the way you write. :) I've never had a chance to gush over your stories until now, so consider the whole lot of 'em gushed over. A terrific collection.

You picked the most compelling issue (for me) to come out of Home: how would Trip and T'Pol deal with their feelings for each other after she was married? (It was only the whole reason I started writing fics, LOL.) You've done here what the show never did, with its avoidance-angst tactic. You put 'em side by side and forced them to DEAL with it, up close and personal.

Your Trip and T'Pol are so poignant. I agree, Trip would never dishonor her. But, oooh, the shivers I got when he kissed her!

I can't wait for your Bound story.

Very well done... and sad. Thank heavens T'Pol is no longer married!

You captured the characters really well.

Thank you, Stub, I've missed ya! Superb as ever!

best...

perfect you captured everything really well

Now that I have some time, I am going back to read a lot of these stories I could not get to before. This one has a is very nice emotional repartee and is true to the characters as they were coming out of the Home episode.