Fail Safe

Fail-Safe

By Sue

E-Mail: susieqla@yahoo.com
Website: None.
Characters: T/T, A
Category: Romance/Het
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It all adds up...and...you go, girl!
Archive: All Enterprise archives are fine.
Disclaimer: Star Trek Enterprise is the property of Paramount and its subsidiaries. I am not making any profit from this.
Spoiler(s): “Similitude,” “Daedalus,” “The Aenar”

***'***'***'

Part 1

Trip was coming out.

T'Pol was going in.

They nearly collided with each other, but didn't. It was a near miss, and nothing more. The unsettled look on Trip's face and the unfocused look in his aloof eyes were descriptions hard for T'Pol to ignore. Had the captain just given him a reprimand? Reprimands and the chief engineer seemed to go hand in hand these days.

As he moved clear of her, not saying anything, she called to him. "Trip!"

He didn't slow down. There was no indication that he had any intention of doing so.

"TRIP!" T’Pol’s eyes beseeched.

There was only the slightest hesitation in his gait. He told himself that she had no business calling him that, not anymore. Soon...the sound of her voice, using that tone on him, hearing her call him by his nickname would be things of the past, a past better left behind. He also knew that he loved it when she called him 'Trip.' He still loved her, always would, broken heart and all, but done was done. How long he had longed to hear her call him by his nickname, and now that she had gotten over her reluctance in that respect, he wanted her to stop using it.

Idly, he mused that if she repeated it just once more, maybe he'd...

"Trip...please..."

Not turning around, and hunching his shoulders, Tucker replied, "Yeah?"

T'Pol breathed an imperceptive sigh of relief. "Are you all right?"

Am I all right, he wryly thought to himself, resisting the urge to make it crystal clear to her why something so insignificant should matter. Stiffly, he retorted, "Just fine. I'm gonna be just fine..." Before T'Pol could open her mouth to ask something more, Trip left her standing there. Her eyes targeted the back of his head. The thoughts in her mind seemed to peter our until Archer, who had partially witnessed their icy exchange, reminded her that if she wanted to see him, he was at her disposal.

"Yes, Captain," T'Pol dutifully acknowledged, entering his ready room. She felt like a marionette manipulated by a puppeteer's dictatorial hand. 'Trip,' she thought again, thinking about the day's complex events and the strangeness of their interactions. She saw that the captain waited for her to voice what was on her mind.

But Archer spoke up first, sensing that the Science Officer seemed distant, more distant even for her. "Do *you* have any idea why our chief engineer has requested a transfer?"

T'Pol stopped breathing yet she heard herself breathing hard. He what? The soft lighting of the ready room intensified before her startled eyes, which she battled hard to prevent them from looking that way. Leaving... "Mister Tucker has resigned his position aboard ENTERPRISE?"

"Yes, he has. He wants to serve aboard the Columbia. Do you have any idea why, Commander?" Archer wheeled around and trained indignant eyes on her. She happened to be convenient, so he took his frustration out on her. "I get the feeling his decision is impulsive. I asked him what reason he had and despite all these many years I've known him, not to mention our friendship, he refused to tell me what's led up to this!"

Shiftily, T'Pol averted her eyes from Archer's, feeling as lost as she hoped she didn't look. "No, Captain, I do not know why Commander Tucker has chosen to leave...ENTERPRISE." The lump lodged in her throat was a sizeable one.

"In the strictest sense of Starfleet regulations I shouldn't be discussing this with you, but..." Archer faltered, unable to hide his upset. "I don't want to lose him, T'Pol. Trip is the heart and soul of this starship. Losing him is like losing that vital organ along with its spirit..." Archer needed several more moments to compose himself again. He couldn't believe his best friend was dead set on abandoning ship--their ship.

Losing Trip...Losing Trip... T'Pol was numb; she realized more now, than she had before in that instant. He was leaving, but why? Had he run out of patience? Was he blaming her? It hit her like the discharge from a phase pistol set a fraction above stun. "I will try to ascertain the reason for his departure," she said as though she was informing the Bridge crew that she had just located a Minshara class planet with covalent bio-signs. And a small scout ship with a synchronized orbit was just dropping out of warp.

"I'd appreciate it if you would, Commander..." After T'Pol left the ready room, Archer said to the empty confine, "Dismissed." Not having seen T'Pol go, he thought back to the last time he had used the word with such severity. His recollection delivered him to a particularly turbulent time, just recently. He had finished chewing Trip out for having a problem following his order in connection with Emory Erickson's vain attempt to retrieve his lost son. Remorseful, Jon assented that Trip's decision lay in it being his fault. Numerous incidences when Trip and he had been at odds, serious odds, flooded his mind.

My fault...Archer yielded, hanging his head way down.

***'***'***'

Going to his quarters in her present state was unwise. Better for her to return to her quarters, mediate for a spell and speak with him when she would be more at peace with herself...and more attuned to him. T'Pol entered her quarters and a deluge of memories overwhelmed her. A surge of tears threatened to spill from her eyes.

She looked over to the very spot, seeing herself and Sim share that tender, exploratory kiss. She had basked in the first flush of her true feelings for Trip.

Sim and Trip...Trip and Sim, now one in the same, T'Pol knew. The one was lost forever. Was it destined she lose Trip now too? She wiped some tears from her cheek and chose to be resolute. The primary task at hand was to mediate; meditation was the best thing to do for them both.

But meditation wasn't coming easy, she was forced to admit, rising from the floor and staring at the flame of the candle she'd lit. Reflecting, and starting to pace, T'Pol considered honestly. It dawned on her that this day had been filled with missed opportunities and muddled intentions. She thought back to when Trip and she had been alone in Sickbay.

Aboard the drone ship he had thought he was going to die, he'd said. Trying to gauge her reaction, Trip had seemed expectant. His eyes had sought hers at every opportunity. An air of regret, aligned with diffidence, had attached itself to him.

"In the Expanse, when we were attempting to destroy sphere forty-one...I didn't believe we'd survive," she had confessed.

As though his life were dependent upon what she'd utter next, Trip had waited, holding his breath, and then had asked, "What went through your mind?"

And her anxiously-awaited response? "Whether or not to transfer auxiliary power to the deflector array." Looking back, as she was now, it was evident from the resigned look he'd had in his eyes, hers wasn't the response he had wanted from her.

Her quarters seemed to contract around her. "Why do you ask?" T'Pol silently repeated the question she had asked him to herself.

Trip had said he was curious. It didn't take an expert at crunching numbers to figure out the cause of his curiosity, not now. He was curious about her feelings, what they were to each other. Anything? Nothing? Something in-between? T'Pol was trying to determine, and it was the hardest thing she had ever grappled with in her life. She was far from being Human, but reciprocating his feelings didn't require that she be. One honest person to another...one caring, loyal, loving person...to one older and wiser who had only known the way of all things logical, and being faithful to duty, above other, seemingly trivial things. Her appreciation for Trip's concern ran deep, deeper than daring to admit it to him. She would never forget the many times he had expressed such heartfelt concern.

Could she give him what he craved from her? A touch, a look, some sign to let him know she couldn't be as cold, all business, uncaring as she was treating him lately. And in some instances, with detachment so firm, it made Soval seem gregarious.

For the first time in her life, she truly felt alone. Alone, but far from unwanted, she grasped. Trip wanted her. Wanted her for far more than physical gratification, she identified. Did she want him? Even going so far as to say needing him when all the rhetoric was stripped away, and she was left with her heart? A heart that had known isolation and privation and had made the best of it. T'Pol padded over to her viewport and gazed at the streaking stars. What if I do, she scrutinized.

What if she allowed his concern and care for her be the determinants instead of what was rational by Vulcan estimation? Her conception of all that was logical, always what was more expedient, stood in her way. Was it so wrong to be loved, loved the way Humans loved each other, though she wasn't Human? Was it wrong for her to be loved by this man who just happened to be not Vulcan? It wasn't that Vulcans could not love, didn't experience it, they could and did. The great poets of her people had mined its depths, had tried to analyze it to its essence. Kept within reasonable boundaries, love could approach logical.

What difference did one's species make? Love was universal.

Did Trip want their romantic involvement to be logical?

Instinctively, T'Pol knew the answer to that. Trip wanted, no, demanded more; it was in his nature. He was highly demonstrative in the way he expressed his feelings. That third time they had 'made love' that night, she'd glimpsed just how 'crazy out of his mind' he was capable of getting. He had kept saying that's how she made him feel. Right along with him, she candidly confessed; they had been thoroughly uninhibited, for it having been the first time. As though they had been lovers for years.

...Lovers for years... T’Pol warmed at the thought.

Thereafter, before she'd judged it was wiser that they not continue, the neuropressure sessions had become much more sensuous as they'd shared intimacies as a bonded couple would have. The idea of her having stayed married to Koss was a 'joke,' as she could hear Trip say.

Neuropressure was the primer, T'Pol mulled over. Along with my curiosity.

Was it any wonder he was behaving the way he was? Trip was, only Human, after all, all Human. Plausibly, in all likelihood, he must have thought that, for all intents and purposes, they were married already. Certainly, a Vulcan male would, although a Vulcan would never allow sentimentality to cloud judgments and actions.

One of her many fears about their developing such a relationship was her being dependent on his expressions of love, which she had to admit were soul-shattering. Easily, she sensed his wanting to wrap her up in his ardor, perhaps to the point of smothering her. It made T'Pol wary. She held back with good reason. The addiction to Trellium-D had been overwhelming enough. She rejected having the same fits of anguish plague her ever again. Feeling powerless to control one's urges was a terrible thing.

Trip was kind, though...quick to react, even overreact, perhaps with not the greatest of forethought. He knew right from wrong, never fearing the negative consequences doing the right thing might incur. Whatever wrong he perceived moved him to correct it. That enduring quality was a powerful draw, the teary Vulcan reconsidered.

Would he understand her fears? Would he still want her if he really knew her. She was flawed, utterly flawed. She was not the same woman, and it was doubtful whether she could ever be who she once was. Forcing herself to revert back to the dry, emotionless female who had assumed the positions of Science Officer and First Officer aboard ENTERPRISE really wasn't working. Deep down, she yearned for freedom. Freedom, not from Trip, but from the dictatorial voices in her head, yammering at her, demanding she realize that they weren't mean for each other, could never be.

Romeo and Juliet stood a better chance... T’Pol rejected that thought.

She wanted to taste the freedom being what Trip wanted her to be, but she kept vacillating.

The heart and soul of this ship, the captain had reminded her, moments ago. That's what Trip was. Mine as well? It was growing more and more irresistible for her to think of him that way. T'Pol shut her eyes, reliving events of not so long ago. Again, back in Sickbay, they had argued. He had volunteered to test the telepresence emitter, in that impulsive way he had. The interfacer was dangerous; the risk was great, too great for her to take. He'd been willing to suffer brain damage instead to save her from it...

Opening her eyes which felt as though heavy weights sat on each lid, T'Pol caught the lower portion of her quivering lip in her teeth. Nervously, she bit down. I am just as stubborn. Which is why I made the logical decision. Aside from being more telepathic than he, I refused to have him suffer cerebral damage. She cast wide eyes at the brightest star that flashed by. Because I care what happens to you as well, Trip, T'Pol thought as a feeling of calm settled her provoking mind. Truly...I do care...

And what had she done? Accused him of allowing personal feelings to interfere with the ship's business. She had treated him as though he was the soul of unprofessionalism, calling him on it. The same could be said of her. Her discourteous and belittling attitude bordered on the very same thing she had faulted him with in the corridor where he had barely been able to look her in her eyes without keeping the wounded look from his. He had sounded unfeeling, telling her his feelings were, “purely professional.” He hadn't meant to sound so emotionless, she knew. Or had he? Sometimes it was so hard to tell with him. Had she accomplished what she had set out to do, finally? Had she made him stop caring, prizing, even going as far as to say loving her, by pushing him too far this time?

Accepting that perhaps she had succeeded and he no longer did brought T'Pol contentment. Rather, she felt sad...searching her soul and coming away disappointed.

This was all so new to her, exploring this complicated thing Humans called romance with the chief engineer; it was exciting, but scary at the same time, frustrating, but novel. Trip made it all those things and others besides. It bespoke of a circumstance that was all unchartered, desperately illogical, and chaotic, much too unpredictable. It was all these things which, she determined, explained the constant nagging, gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach.

But I feel...I feel alive! He makes me feel truly alive... T’Pol embraced.

And, yes, she couldn't deny it. She was beginning to feel angry, extremely so, the more she thought about his plans that left her out. Just because she needed more time to properly acclimate herself to their unexpected situation, was that any reason for him to go away? Go now, when she needed his insights and his instincts. If pursuing this enigma...a romantic relationship...was so vital for him, why was he abandoning her? Why was he behaving like some inveterate mutation?

Do I know what I want? she questioned. I'm beginning to...

"...Follow your heart..." T'Pol heard the wiser one counsel, yet again, and she welcomed it more and more.

The exotic beauty blinked and dried her eyes.

T'Pol pulled herself away from the viewport, determined to get to the root of all this irregularity. Aiming herself at the door panel, she deliberated that the only one who could tell her what she needed to know was probably getting his gear in order in preparation for catching the transport. The odd thought of his smiling while he decided what he would take, what would remain here, visited her, and T'Pol didn't like its implications.

Oh, no you won't!

Meditating first was an option whose time had come and gone, as though it would just slow her down. Storming through the open door as though she were being shot out of a cannon, T'Pol came as close as she could to stomping off. Leaving...he is leaving ENTERPRISE, ricocheted through her mind for as many times, getting her even more worked up. "LEAVING," T'Pol grumbled out loud, and thought nothing of the one-sided conversation she carried on solely with herself. "He is the most exacerbating Human there could ever be, even excepting the captain! Here I put myself at considerable risk to experience more fully certain emotions for his sake, and he does *this*! We shall see about his latest fit of irrationality! How dare he decide doing something so illogical, so, so Tuckerish without consulting me first!"

Part 2

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A whole mess of folks have made comments

Nice! i'm waiting for the rest now *tapping foot*. i like that t'pol got angry there at the end after all her logical thought. cute!

Cuuuute. I like it. Now we just need the sequel and you'll be all set. :-D

great story, thank you, please continue soon, can't wait, there is always hope...

Hee hee hee! "Tuckerish" indeed. Can't wait for more! :)

It's a bit rich for T'Pol to get all angry and exasperated at Trip when she is the one with her head in the sand, refusing to admit what she knows heart mind and soul. It's time for her to be honest not just with herself but with Trip. Ali D :~)

I can hardly wait for the next one! I bet Trip's gonna get a chewin' out!

LOL T'pol Pissed off!!! Dang Trips going to be scared shitless. She is right to be a little ticked at him for not being there for her and to be more understanding, But she could be a bit more clear to.. I cant wait to see where this goes. :) Please Update soon!

Oh I can't wait for the next part! You really gotta hurry Sue because this I can tell will be great! Heh, Trip's going to get quite a talking too! :D

Great fic, Sue. Very entertaining, and everything we've needed/wanted to see from T'Pol. Love the last paragraph. She's really pissed and acting very irrational. Trip is definitely rubbing off on her. More please.

Trip, you had better get Daniels to get you a personal deflector shield from the future, fast!.
T'pol is approaching at warp factor 6 and she's arming phasers!!! This could get real messy.

Another great story Sue, cant wait for the next installment.

N3m muses to himself "....hmmm perhaps Daniels can get me the next instalments of this story.)

Awesome stuff! I can't wait for the sequel! :D