If you are seeing this paragraph, the site is not displaying correctly. You can see the content, but your current browser does not support CSS which is necessary to view our site properly. For the best visual experience, you will need to upgrade your browser to Netscape 6.0 or higher, MSIE 5.5 or higher, or Opera 3.6 or higher. If, however, you don't wish to upgrade your browser, scroll down and read the content - everything is still visible, it just doesn't look as pretty.

A Match Made in Hell

A | Author - TheCursor | Genre - Alternate Universe | Genre - Humor | Genre - MU CHALLENGE Fic | Genre - UST | M | Mirror Universe Fiction Challenge | Rating - R
Fan Fiction Main Page | Stories sorted by title, author, genre, and rating

MU CHALLENGE FIC

A Match Made in Hell
An MU story for an MU Challenge

By THECURSOR

Category- Humor/UST/
Rating- R for language unbecoming a Vulcan ambassador.
Disclaimer- Since they have yet to accept my generous proposal to purchase the entire Star Trek franchise for the excellent price of six dollars and a bottle of George Dickel Whiskey, they sadly still own everything that has to do with Trek. But seriously Leslie Moonves, think about my offer.
Summary- When transporter goes haywire, Archer and crew find themselves at the mercy of Charlie and Polly, blood thirsty space pirates of the Alpha Quadrant! Set in season one after The Andorian Incident
Archive- Ask first, then give me money or something.

A/N: The stuff about Bolia is my own personal explanation for why we've never seen Bolian women. The rest is pretty much standard MU nonsense.

***********************************

Chapter One of Four

July 9th, 2151-Mirror Universe

The file landed between Charlie "Dog Eye" Tucker and his girlfriend, Polly, with a dull thud. The two mercs weren't exactly aware what the issue about but the pair kept their eyes forward and pushed away the wicked smiles that threatened to over take their faces. It was funnier if they pretended they didn't do it, whatever it was. In front of them, Commander Malcolm Reed bristled with unexpressed rage while he watched the two half giggling killers trying to face his glare with a straight face.

"Sorry we're late," Charlie said as he kicked up feet onto the desk in front of Reed, "When you said come to your office we didn't realize you meant the CAPTAIN'S office."

The true captain of the Enterprise was Jonathon Archer, a lunatic who never left his quarters and spent most of his days building model ships. Occasionally he would poke his head out of his door to complain that it was too noisy in the hallway or that he needed more wood glue but usually he remained unseen. So Reed had 'reluctantly' taken control of the day to day duties that came with captaincy. Still, the fact that he didn’t actually have the necessary rank dug under his skin and he was reminded of his true station every time he saw Archer's old décor in the office. Being called on it by these two degenerates threw him into a rage but he maintained, forced the conversation to into a place where he was in control.
"Would you care to read that, Mr. Tucker?" Reed tapped the side of his temple in mock forgetfulness and exclaimed in a loud voice, "Oh yes that's right, you can't read."

Rude comments about his own shortcomings had a similar effect on Tucker and Reed smiled as the hot headed Southerner nearly leapt from his chair. Only Polly's long, slender hand kept Charlie in his seat as it pressed back on his heaving chest. Even that didn't calm him down completely, he still glared into the Englishman's cold eyes. Tucker was still an obedient little attack dog though and Malcolm was once again reminded who held the leash in their relationship.

Despite how quiet or helpless the beautiful Vulcan chose to appear, she was most definitely the brain behind the muscle. Her shapely figure with long, straight brown hair hiding her face and making her a cool contrast to Tucker's shaved head and muscular tattoo covered arms. Polly could control a room with a look and controlled the infamous Captain Tucker with even less. Charles Tucker was dangerous, Polly was deadly.

"Perhaps you could simply tell us what's in the file, Commander." Polly's cool voice enunciated the last word like it was an insult in and of itself. Her hand left her human lover's hard abdomen and retrieved the padd Reed had handed them a few minutes earlier.

The moment of tension didn't abate as soon as Malcolm started reading instead it only intensified. "Monthly Crew Discipline Report For July 5, 2151" He stopped after every sentence to give them time to think about each charge. "Incident 1: Corporal Amanda Cole was found guilty of having inappropriate sexual relations with two civilian officers while on duty (Charles Tucker III and T'Pol of Vulcan)." Another pause, "Fifteen lashes administered to Corporal Cole, punishment not assigned to other parties."

Tucker's good humor returned and soon he and Polly were chuckling happily as Malcolm read the various infractions off to them. "Incident 2: Crewman Carlos Walker was found stabbed to death in a Jefferies Tube, no culprit in custody."

"Oh my!" Polly laughed in mock shock while Tucker just covered his mouth with a look that seemed to say 'oops, did I do that?'. Their constant carousing served to further infuriate the stuffy British XO.

"Incident 3: Twelve crewman were caught performing acts of riotous behavior, instigated by Ensign Travis Mayweather, Mr. Charles Tucker III, and Ms. T'Pol. Twenty lashes to each crewman involved, thirty lashes to Ensign Mayweather, no other punishment assigned," He looked up at the pair and tossed the file back into their laps, "There's eight more in there but I think the pattern here is starting to become pretty clear."

"Yes," Tucker said as his hand moved to Polly's leather clad thigh, "It means you’re an asshole with a long memory."

"You're half right, Mr. Tucker."

"So you're just an asshole then?" There was more cackling laughter until Reed violently slammed his fist into the desk, shaking a nearby bottled ship onto the floor.

"You listen to me you sniveling little pillock," his voice becoming a soft growl, "You're untouchable until your government contract runs out but when it does, you see how long I'm going to let two sociopathic, bi-sexual pirates run wild through MY bloody ship. "

They kept grinning at him, neither offended nor threatened by Malcolm's ultimatum. "We'll try to keep that in mind." Tucker was already taking T'Pol by the hand as they rose from their chairs to leave Reed's commandeered office.

But before she'd followed Charlie out of the room, Polly stuck her head back into the door. "Oh and for your information, I'm the bi-sexual not Charlie." The smile was pure evil while the voice sounded like poison coated in honey. It made Malcolm loath and despised the fallen Vulcan even more then before. He watched her leave, slowly leaning out of the door frame while her fingers danced seductively across the wall as she left. The last thing to leave was her swaying backside and the image was very similar to a tiger's lazy tail as it walked.

As soon as the door closed, Reed kicked the fallen bottle into a nearby wall and let it shatter into a million pieces. "If it's the last thing I ever do, I'm going to kill those two."


************************************


"This is urp the Tin Lizzie requesting dock with USS Enterprise," Soval's gruff voice filtered through the Bridge's overhead speakers and filled the dark, quite room with a string of curses, "Any a you limp dicked mother fuckers listening?"

Hoshi Sato rolled her eyes as she once again wondered why it was that people seemed to always treat her like a personal secretary. "Tucker told me to tell you to hang on while he gets onto the transporter pad."

"Transporters? Why tha fuck are those two gonna fiddle around with those god damned things?"

"Because they said you couldn't dock with a three hundred pound Klingon hooker!" Hoshi screamed before finally cutting off the transmission mid way through Soval's response. She knew she should've just gone to beauty school like her Aunt Fannie. At least there she wouldn't have to put up with drunken Vulcan pirates.


**************************


July 6th 2151- Regular Star Trek Universe

"The Captain's on his way in now, sir."

And with that, a much nicer Hoshi Sato put a much more polite Ambassador Soval on hold as Captain Jonathon Archer stepped into the brightly lit bridge and took his place by the raised captain's platform in the center of the room. He felt the slight tinge of aggravation he always felt when he talked to Soval but he knew it would go away in time. Eventually Archer was sure he would get used to the ambassador's constant abuse. For now, however, he just needed to keep it all under his hat.

So he plastered a big fake smile across his chin and hoped no one noticed his twitching eyebrow, "Ambassador, how can I help you?" But Soval ignored the grin and the pleasantries.

"What is the progress of the Bolian Conference?" There was no 'hello' or 'how's your health?' simply 'Did you monkeys screw up this really important meeting yet?' and the lack of respect began to sting Archer's ego. What hurt the most was that the Enterprise was only attending this Bolian conference as a favor to the Vulcan High Command. Soval didn’t even trust the humans with a duty HE himself had asked of them.

The Bolians were the Andorian's closest allies and largest contributor of weapons technology. If Soval was going to avert a war between the Vulcan and Andoria, getting Bolia on his side was key. So what he needed was a neutral planet with no real investment in the conflict to send a ship to deliver the Vulcan Government's desire to negotiate. Unfortunately, he was stuck with Archer and his crew and Archer was stuck with Soval's constant check ups on his progress.

"Everything is fine," Archer said easing into his chair as the image of Soval on the viewscreen raised an eyebrow, "Commander Tucker and Sub-commander T'Pol are ironing out the last minute details for my meeting with High Matriarch Sotara."

"Why did you not make the arrangements personally?" The critic came fast and hard but Archer was ready, volley his response back to the screen as quickly as he heard Soval's words.

"The Bolians are a highly religious people dominated by a female priestess class. All first impressions most be made by the highest ranking female on the ship." He was fairly certain Soval already knew this--that he was testing him for the coming conference, but Archer wouldn't be baited. Without a single mistake or pause he recited everything he could remember about Bolians from Admiral Forrest's briefing.

"Why did you not simply offer to host the negotiations on your ship?"

"High Matriarch Sotara is a female, on Bolia off world travel is considered a vulgar activity so women refuse to leave the planet's orbit." Archer added, "You can't meet a female Bolian unless you're actually on Bolia." The conversation became faster now and much of the bridge crew began to notice the odd verbal tennis match between the two men.

"When will you be meeting with the Matriarch?" Soval served.

"Next week." Archer backhanded.

"Why are you waiting so long?"

"Tomorrow is the beginning of the Bolian Long Night."

"So they will be unavailable to negotiate, I assume."

"Actually most of the population will be asleep." A look of genuine puzzlement passed very briefly over Soval's stony face before being covered over again with Vulcan tranquility. He hadn't known that and Archer could tell.

The Captain was at first surprised and then amused that he seemed to know more about Bolian culture then Soval. The Ambassador's eyebrow was raised again, this time in curiosity. He was no longer interrupting Archer because he had nothing else to ask. Everything Jon was explaining was new information to him.

"Once every month, the planet's sun goes behind a large gas giant," he was suddenly enjoying this moment of supremacy over the usually condescending diplomat, "The vast majority of Bolians hibernate in the planet's oceans for that week while leaving only military personnel awake."

Soval seemed to glare at Archer with a look that seemed to combine both reluctant satisfaction and silent defeat into one thoroughly annoyed expression. Then he exhaled, not in a sigh, but a simply a loud exhale of breath. "Very well, Captain," his voice was as diplomatic as ever, "You seem to have the situation well in hand."

Then the viewscreen blinked out leaving Captain Archer with the distinct urge to start dancing around his bridge. "Archer 1, Soval 0" he whispered.


**********************************


On the planet's surface, Commander Trip Tucker was about ready to go home. He was sick of Bolian and even sicker of the Bolians.

The men were okay, good natured and jolly with pleasant dispositions. But the women were driving him crazy. Every sentence he spoke was disregarded or chuckled at. He'd been asked to remove himself from the negotiations twice and told to 'please stop talking' nearly eight times. It was hell. Like being dropped on to a planet full of his ex girlfriends.

It didn't help that T'Pol and the Bolian girls seemed to get along like houses on fire. The Bolians adored T'Pol's clipped method of speaking and 'to the point' attitude. They even seemed to forgive her for being vulcan, something which was supposed to be the whole reason he showed up. To give the diplomats a non-Vulcan face to stare at. But no, she had to be the only Vulcan in the entire quadrant the Bolians actually wanted around. Maybe he was crazy, but he was sure she was enjoying herself. Stringing him along on a planet filled with women who considered having a penis a social faux pas. This was her revenge, he thought, for getting pregnant and arguing with her all the time.

Sneaking a quick glance at his traveling companion, he did see a small bounce in her step. Kind of a Vulcan's version of pleased as punch. Trip hated that. He hated the way T'Pol could actually be secretly happy he'd had a bad day. He hated that constantly superior expression and annoying confidence that she seemed wear around her like an accessory to that ugly brown-gray catsuit she never took off. But mostly he just hated T'Pol.

In fact he was so preoccupied with hating T'Pol that he didn't even notice the changing brightness outside the window or consider how the sudden magnetic shift might affect Enterprise's primitive transporter pattern relays. These were all after thoughts to the engineer when they should have been foremost on his mind as he prepared to enter the building's transporter room.

All Trip could think about was hating T'Pol and that, perhaps, was the first mistake of what would become an even longer day.


************************


Archer nodded at the Transporter operator with a certain grim resolve He remembered that it hadn't been too long ago they'd beamed someone up with this thing but brought back a man with twigs and rocks attached to his skin. The thought of accidentally creating some kind of Trip/T'Pol monster with two heads that bickered constantly became a distinct worry at the back of his brain. The image was both horrifying and hilarious at the same time.

The twirling, swirling lights that preceded an energy transfer cut short his line of thinking as Captain Archer stared into the unmaterialized mass. He waited patiently for molecule and molecule to reassemble one by one as his friend and first officer's tell tale outlines appeared on the pad in front of him.
Then he noticed something wrong.

As the details became clearer, he was no longer sure who was actually being brought on to the ship. The shape he had once thought was T'Pol seemed to be a long haired woman in a strange garment made of black leather and red tralaxian silk that revealed an almost sinful amount of cleavage to the open air. Meanwhile, the figure he had assumed was Trip was now slowly becoming a muscular man with a shaved head and mean looking tattoos all over his arms. A long, nasty scar seemed to travel the length of his left cheek until it ended at a wicked looking devil style goatee jutting from his chin.

The shock that these weren't his shipmates meant there was a long period of silence as the realization set in. The pair on the transporter stared at the Captain and he stared right back at him. Suddenly, the bizarre Trip opened his mouth and spoke.

"Well that was just…neat!" He said with a grin.


TBC (Bwhahahahahaha)

Back to Fan Fiction Main Menu

Have a comment to make about this story? Do so in the Trip Fan Fiction forum at the HoTBBS!


A whole mess of folks have made comments

Great,great,great !!!! I love this mirror universe !
And I like mirror-Soval even more than the regular-Soval !!!!

Polly's Bi-sexual!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH boy!! That could make for an iteresting story. I cant wait to read the next chapter!! I was LOL Archer's a nutcase who locked himself in his room to build models!!Great I love it, Beats super Archer any day! Please update this soon!!

OH I HATE Y0U How could you leave us with a cliffhanger like THAT!

I'm with Lils! MORE! THIS STORY ROCKS!

*trying not to giggle too hysterically at work* um, next part please! *loosing battle with giggling and tears of mirth* This is wonderful. I have no clue where you could possibly be going but I can't wait to find out. Inside your head must be a fun place to be!

More! More! Evil Polly and Charlie are awesome.

hahaha! I love this!

I loved this line "The thought of accidentally creating some kind of Trip/T'Pol monster with two heads that bickered constantly became a distinct worry at the back of his brain. The image was both horrifying and hilarious at the same time."

How true. =D

cool, hurry up with the next chapter!

Brilliant! I laughed throughout the entire chapter. Don't make us wait too long for the next chapter! Mwahahaha!

Cursor, will you marry me!? This story absolutely rocks!

this was so damn funny.,
i had to take more cough syrup to get through it..
warning do not read if have head cold

LOL! Awesome. Tatooed Trip... sexy Polly. Yum.

Bravo

LMAO! That was too much. :) I can't wait for more. Charlie and Polly... hee. :)

I loved this, a bisexual pirate T'Pol! Although I was expecting the show's timeframe, this was fun. Can't wait for the next chapter.

Oh my! More! More! More! This was brilliant!!!

I gotta admit, the shaved head and tattoos scared me a little, but nice idea!

WHEE!!! Fun, fun, fun! I admire people with this sort of imagination.

a bi pirate vulcan with long hair.. great imagination, this story rocks

This is fecking hilarious!!! WE NEED MORE!!! This is one of the most original stories I've read in a long time!