Reflection-Ch 11

Reflection

By Triplover

Disclaimer: I don’t own a thing.
Rating: R
Summary: Trip must face some old demons when a friend from the past reappears asking to stay on Enterprise as a member of the crew.

A/N: Sorry it took so long guys but I have a lot on my plate these days! Not to mention I’ve been talking with a good friend of mine about publishing an original story I wrote. He’s gonna look it over to see if it’s any good. Yay!!!!! So cross your fingers for me guys! LOL

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Chapter Eleven

T’Pol had never felt as safe as she did now in the arms of Trip Tucker. Trip was sitting on the floor leaning back on the bed with T’Pol lying in front of him; he was holding her tightly, letting her lie against him while he rested his chin on her shoulder. It was nice. She moved her head back and closed her eyes just feeling the sensations of being close to him. She’d felt so alone for so long, now she wasn’t and it felt good. Not even thinking about what she was saying she blurted out the three words she’d wanted to say for a long time though she hadn’t realized it before. “I love you,” she whispered.

Trip seemed taken back immediately. After all, Vulcans didn’t love. They suppressed emotions. They did not feel anything, and love was always known to be a dangerous emotion even with its many fine qualities. Then there were the events only a few days before when she had kissed Sim. He knew she’d been confused, not everyday that a man you professed his love to you dies then gets resurrected only to pursue you again without thinking about the person who’s DNA he was also given to become a clone. It’s not everyday that you have to choose between the echo and the voice. She could sense his surprise. T’Pol regretted her words tensing up immediately. Finally Trip held her even tighter than before. “I love you too T’Pol, always.” Whatever had been going on between them lately was forgotten. He didn’t have enough time to go through past events, or wonder about what was going on between him and T’Pol. They were here now and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

T’Pol knew at this point it was time. He would have to go soon and she would lose him forever. She needed to tell him. Phlox was right. Trip should know the truth about what she had done. It affected him. He had to be told the truth. How could she keep up this lie when he’d been truly the only one to truly see something was wrong? He had the right to know, despite the doubts rolling in her mind. It would be difficult for him. And he would be surprised; shocked that she’d shame herself in such a way. Perhaps it was the Expanse that changed things, or perhaps it was the pain she felt having left the High Command. It had not been an easy choice to make.

Or perhaps it was the need she had to be like the people around her. So young and yet they lived. They truly lived. One adventure after another; learning from their mistakes and trying so very hard to improve in the few years they had. If only her people know how much they were missing. These people knew how to truly live and she’d simply wanted to do the same. Who knew such a dangerous need could affect her for the rest of her life. She’d lived longer than everyone on the ship and yet she knew nothing. And because of this living with these people had changed her forever, but even with all her mistakes she was glad she’d made them. It had helped her realize that Vulcans didn’t have all the answers. Neither did humans. No one did, but at least the humans were trying to get them and one day she knew they’d succeed. “Trip? There is something I need to tell you.”

She turned around to look at him then got to his feet. Trip looked up at her in confusion. “You can tell me T’Pol. What’s on your mind?”

T’Pol took in a deep breath then looked out her window at the stars passing by. “You will not like what I am about to tell you but it would be wrong to keep this from you when it directly affects you.”

Trip moved over next to her and put his left arm around her for comfort. “I’m sure whatever you have to tell me I can take T’Pol.”

T’Pol knew better though. He would not be expecting this and it would affect their relationship. Though now they wouldn’t have much of a relationship anymore. “Do you remember when we first started our mission to find the Xindi? We found a Vulcan ship called the Seleya.”

Trip nodded. “Yeah, I remember T’Pol. It must have been really hard for you to leave the ship knowin’ they would all die.”

T’Pol nodded in agreement. “It was, but my visit there affected me more than I thought possible.”

“What do you mean T’Pol?” he asked.

T’Pol paused in order to pick her words carefully. “The Trellium-D affected me. As you know I began to lose control. I could no longer suppress my emotions. When I got back to Enterprise I soon realized though that I longed for that kind of feeling again. Not the loss of total control but the feelings I could have under the Trellium-D. I could control what I wanted to feel. I was free to feel emotions. Emotions I have had to suppress for so long. With the Trellium-D I was able to feel those emotions and express them. I felt… free.”

Trip frowned. “T’Pol, what are you sayin’ exactly?”

“Not long after my experience on the Seleya I found myself wanting more. I wanted to feel those emotions again. So I injected myself with more of the Trellium-D.”

Trip’s frown grew when he realized just what was going on. “T’Pol you didn’t!”

Where as she had been so hesitant before, now the truth seemed to flow out of her like a stream, she had wanted to tell someone else for so long, she had wanted to tell him for so long. “I did. I soon found that the Trellium-D was addictive to Vulcans. I wanted more. When the Trellium-D was out of my system I would panic, it was as if I had lost something important and I needed to get it back as soon as possible.”

“How long did you take it?”

“Three months, enough to give me permanent damage to the part of my brain which helped me control emotions. I have lost that control and there is no way to get it back. I will forever have to deal with the emotions I felt while under the Trellium-D,” she told him.

Trip stood shaking his head. “Three months?! No T’Pol, you can’t be serious! Are you insane! That stuff is lethal to you! You could have killed yourself just like those other Vulcans on the Seleya. Then what was I supposed to do?! Why would you do somethin’ like that?”

“I wanted to feel Trip. I wanted to feel.”

Trip dropped his hands down shaking his head before turning around to look out the window. “You aren’t still using the Trellium-D are you?”

“No, I told doctor Phlox and he has been helping me get over the addiction. That was a while ago. After the attack Enterprise sustained at Azati Prime.”

Trip swung around in surprise. “T’Pol, please don’t tell me you were usin’ that stuff when we were in a dangerous situation like that. Please don’t tell me that. I’m beggin’ ya here!”

“I did.”

Trip closed his eyes while his head moved down to his chest. “God T’Pol! Ya didn’t! Why would you do somethin’ like that? I just don’t understand! That’s not like you T’Pol! You could have gotten yourself killed. You could have gotten the crew killed. Why would you do somethin’ so stupid? It would be illogical. The T’Pol I first met that day in the Cap’n’s ready room, the one that didn’t shake my hand, the one that refused to call me by my nickname, she would never have taken that stuff. What happened to her? I just don’t get it T’Pol,” he was rambling. He was unable to fully register what she was telling him. She could see it in how he talked and looked. Trip bent down to look at her.

“At first it was just a need. After being exposed to Trellium-D on the Seleya I could feel the need inside me. For a while I ignored it until I saw what I could do. When I realized I could access certain emotions my hesitation left me. I wanted to be closer to the crew. I wanted to be closer to you. I thought that if I could feel emotion then maybe I’d finally be better able to work with you and to become your friend and… perhaps more.”

Trip smiled lightly before closing his eyes, taking a breath and then looking back into her eyes. “Hey, do you know when I first realized I loved you?”

“When?”

“It was the day you came onboard this ship and ya didn’t shake my hand. It was the day that you began drivin’ me insane with your talk of logic and control. It was the day I realized that I’d never had so much fun fightin’ with a person before. That was when I first fell in love with ya,” he told her gently. “You didn’t need to take Trellium-D, T’Pol. The crew loved ya just the way you were and so did I. I still do, but T’Pol you’re a Vulcan and we all understand that. We respect that. We respect you. We all understood that you would be harder to get along with but we were willin’ to try even if you were a pain in the ass at times. I didn’t need ya to be freer with your emotions before I could love you.”

T’Pol rested a hand to the side of his face. “I know that now but at the time I’m afraid I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to be closer to you but I didn’t know how to do it. I am sorry, I wish I could change what I have done but I cannot.”

Trip kissed her lightly. “I love you T’Pol. And nothin’ will change that. Nothin’. People make mistakes. Even Vulcans,” when T’Pol looked down he lifted her head right back up. “You can trust me.”

Finally T’Pol moved in for another kiss lasting much longer than the others. When they broke away she rested her forehead on his; closing her eyes. “I will not know what to do without you,” she said repeating what she’d said earlier.

“Yes you will because I’ll be there with you the entire time. You see T’Pol, the day I realized I loved you was also the day I realized I’d lost somethin’ rather important. You stole my heart. That’s the day I lost my heart to you and you’ve had it ever since. As long as you have that, I’ll be here.”

T’Pol nodded against his head still not opening her eyes. Never in her life did she think something like this could hurt so much. But it did. She was losing him forever.

Trip brushed her cheek with his hand. “You’re tired. Why don’t you go ahead and get some rest.”

T’Pol watched as Trip pulled at the bed sheets so she could get in. She couldn’t stop the corner of her mouth from tugging into a hardly noticeable smile before she got in her bed and looked up at the man who held her affections. He was already trying to take care of her. Normally she would explain to him that she could take care of herself but she did not have much time with him. She wanted to be with him as much as possible, until her time with him ran out. “Trip?”

“Yeah?” he said while pulling the covers back over her.

“It is getting late; perhaps it would be best if you simply stayed here. It would be illogical for you to go when this bed is perfectly big enough for the both of us.”

Trip chuckled. “Yeah if we spoon,” he muttered.

T’Pol’s eyebrows shot up. She was quite familiar with the term, which she’d heard a few times before from him. “Exactly.”

Trip grinned from ear to ear. “Well T’Pol, who am I to go against logic?” he whispered teasingly.

==

Sim walked down the halls deep in thought before bumping into one of the crew members running by. “Excuse me,” he mumbled.

The person rushed past him, not saying a word. Not that he cared. He had a lot on his mind, it was just so overwhelming. He’d just left Rylic on the ship to take a walk when he reached sickbay. The place he was born, the place where he was raised by his father… Doctor Phlox. Phlox was his father. He smiled lightly before walking inside to see if the Doctor was home. He wanted to talk.

“Ah! Sim! What are you doing up this late?” he asked cheerfully.

“Oh just walkin’ around. What about you? What are you up to this time?” Sim had to smile as his father’s gleam shined brightly before him. He was such a kind man, an optimistic man. Trip had always had respect for the Doctor, everyone did. He was the one man on the ship that anyone could talk to.

“Well I was just about to finish running some tests. I’m working on a way to get that ring off your finger.”

“Why?” Trip asked in surprise.

Phlox frowned. “In order to make sure no one activates it and kills you. You said it yourself to me earlier that even with Captain Tesic gone someone else could still activate the ring.”

Sim closed his eyes letting out a sigh. “Don’t bother.”

“Why not?”

“Because I like it right where it is!” he almost shouted, his anger getting the best of him.

Phlox almost jumped at Sim’s reaction. Why was he so anger? He was just trying to help. “It could kill you,” he fought.

“Then let it!”

“Are you truly willing to die when Commander Tucker is about to give up his life in order to see that you survive?”

Sim put his hands on his hips. “I told him that I should have gotten this mission! It’s my mission! He has no right to take it from me!”

“You would die!” Phlox yelled back, simply to be heard.

“Good! I have spent the last few months hoping and wishing that I would get revenge for what Tesic did to me! He hurt me and I wanted him dead! I wanted to kill him with my bare hands! To watch his lifeless body before me knowin’ I’d finally gotten him back for what he did to me! It was my mission! Trip has nothing to do with this! He never should have stopped me from my mission!”

Phlox took a few steps forward and grabbed Sim’s arms. “I realize he has done so much to hurt you but you must realize that Trip is only trying to give you a life of your own. You never got that chance and he wants to give it to you.”

“Oh please! This has nothin’ to do with chances! I’ve had a life Phlox, it may have been short but I’ve had a life! This isn’t about savin’ me! It’s about repeatin’ a mistake!”

“Mistake?”

“Yeah a mistake! This isn’t about my second chance, this about his second chance! He couldn’t save that cogenitor. And he couldn’t save me the first time. Those may have been his fault but there was nothin’ he could do then. This isn’t about me at all! It’s about him! It’s about Sindy!”

Phlox’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Sindy?”

Sim nodded as the realization hit him full force. “Sindy Croft. My god, Sindy.” Why hadn’t he thought of her before? How could he have not seen this? He was unconscious when Sim first died and he was on another ship with the cogenitor died. They may have affected him but he couldn’t have stopped what happened, but he could have saved Sindy. And Trip could now save him.

“Sim, I’m not sure I follow.”

Sim’s eyes widened as he stared straight at Phlox, shaking his head slightly. “It’s not his right to give up a life for a life. He’s letting guilt control him.”

“He wants to help you.”

“No Doc, he wants to help himself. I won’t let him do this.”

Sim turned to leave sickbay but stopped when he heard Phlox’s voice. “Sim, what are you about to do?”

Sim could hear the worry in his voice. He turned back around. “Doctor, you know how I feel about you. Growin’ up, I was always wonderin’ where my parents where, but the entire time I had one starin’ me in the face. You raised me, you’ve been there for me and you were the one who made me understand that whether I was Trip’s clone or not, I was still my own person and I was just as important as he was, is. You’ve done so much for me Doc but there’s just one last thing I need you to do.”

Phlox hadn’t realized he was holding his breath. He let it out slowly before asking the question he hadn’t wanted to ask. “And what’s that?”

“Forget we had this conversation. Erase that data; I won’t be needin’ it. Let me make a choice.”

“A choice that would kill you.”

Sim looked past the Doctor at a bio bed nearby. Phlox followed his eyes to look at the same bio bed. “I’m all ready dead. I died here in sickbay on that bio bed.”

The Doctor turned back to look Sim in the eyes. After so long living with humans he soon realized how much he had changed. He had picked up on human traits just as his Vulcan friend T’Pol had and it had happened so slowly that he hadn’t even realized it. Phlox disregarded what he’d always been taught since he was a child and moved closer to Sim, his son. He pulled the human close into a hug. It was an odd sensation, but enjoyable. “Make your choice.”

“Thanks… father,” Sim said as they pulled out of the hug. Sim gave a sheepish smile before turning back around. He hesitated only for a moment before finally leaving.

Phlox watched him leave and walk down the corridor till finally he was out of sight. He then turned around and walked over to one of his computers, looking at the information from scans of Sim’s ring. The Doctor moved his index finger over the button and pressed it softly. As soon as he did so all the information was erased. “Your welcome… son.”

==

Twelve hours. Twelve hours, twenty five minutes and fifteen seconds and then he would be gone. Trip shook his head; his mind was still trying to process what T’Pol had told him only hours earlier. When he realized he wouldn’t be getting any sleep he’d decided to take a trip to the mess hall while T’Pol slept. Trip swallowed down another cup of bourbon before pouring himself another. “Up rather late, wouldn’t you say?”

Trip knew who it was without even having to turn around. Only Malcolm Reed had such a deep English accent. “I was thirsty.”

Malcolm chuckled before taking a seat opposite of him. “Really?”

Trip looked over at his friend and smiled. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Have you spoken to T’Pol yet?”

Though Malcolm was still unsure of the nature of their relationship, Trip was sure he had a pretty close enough idea. He’d told the security officer things here and there. Malcolm knew enough to understand that there truly was something between them and that they’d obviously done more than just kiss in the past. “Yeah, but she’s still pretty upset. I’ve never seen her like that before. I mean, for a while there she was practically crying in my arms. It took her some time to settle down. And even then I’ve never seen her so sad.”

Malcolm’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “I didn’t even know Vulcans could cry.”

Trip tipped his head. “Apparently they can. It scared the hell outta me. I’ve seen T’Pol lose control before but never like this. She’s been angry with me, she’s been passionate but I’ve never seen her like this. I didn’t really know what to do. I’ve known for a while that somethin’ is very different with her. Her emotions are closer to the surface, she’s more open to new ideas, and sometimes she gets really agitated.”

“What do you think is wrong with her? Why do you think her emotions are so close to the surface now?” Malcolm asked.

The engineer shook his head. He knew T’Pol wouldn’t be too happy with him if he divulged the real reason. “Who knows? T’Pol wouldn’t tell me what’s goin’ on with her even if she was sittin’ in an alligator’s mouth. That’s just how she is. She’s never been one to rely on others.” Trip suppressed a smile.

“Well obviously she cares a great deal about you. Maybe it just takes her time to open up to people so close to her,” Malcolm offered.

Trip shrugged. “Too bad I won’t be here long enough to wait.”

Malcolm looked down at the table and sighed. “You could stay you know. I saw how Sim reacted when you requested to take this mission on. He looked horrified.”

Trip finally allowed himself a smile. “I’ll never understand that man.”

Malcolm grinned in return. “That’s pretty sad considering he’s you.”

Both laughed together. “Yeah that is pretty bad isn’t it?” Trip agreed still laughing. Trip downed another glass of bourbon and once again poured in more. “All I want to do is repay him. Why is he so resistant to actually live?”

“Maybe he doesn’t know how to.”

Trip looked up in confusion. “What?”

His friend let out a small sigh. “Think about it Trip. He hardly lived a week before he died. Then when he was brought back for months he was tortured. Sim told me what he went through. He suffered Trip. What kind of a life is that?”

“But now he has a chance to live a new one! The people on Enterprise are his friends!” Trip fought.

“No Trip, they’re your friends. They never were his.”

“How can you say that?”

Malcolm rolled his eyes. “Oh come on Trip! He’s your clone! Where does he fit in here? He’s not you, and he never will be. But everyday for the rest of his life people will see him… and they’ll see you. No matter what differences he’ll still be you, your reflection. That’s not a life either Trip. When you were in that coma Sim knew how people felt about him. Sure, they were nice and they did like him but why wouldn’t they? He was you.”

Trip frowned. “And what about you? Are you sayin’ you felt the same way?”

“Of course I did. You’re my friend. It wasn’t easy to see Sim and know you were in sickbay on bio bed rotting. The captain wasn’t the only one that wanted you back. He may have been the one to give the order but all of us wanted to see you wake up. Including me.”

“Even though it would mean killin’ Sim?!” Trip asked in disgust.

“Yes Trip, even though it meant killing Sim. We needed you here! Sim was going to die whether we liked it or not. He only had fifteen days. If we could save you, you’d have much more and incase you’ve forgotten we had a mission to complete.”

“I haven’t forgotten! I lost a sister because of the Xindi! You don’t just forget what happened there.”

Malcolm sat back in his chair. “Sim looks just like you Trip, he has your memories, your body, even your abilities, but he’s not you. He never will be. You’re expecting us to welcome him with open arms, we can’t do that. Not when it caused your death.”

“You all welcomed me with open arms when I woke up,” Trip reminded him.

Malcolm nodded. “We only had a few days with Sim. We’ve had years to get close to you, and maybe you just don’t realize it but your important to this entire crew. Everyone loves you.”

“You say everyone loves me. If that’s so then they’d love Sim too,” the engineer argued.

“You just don’t get it do you?”

“Get what?!”

“You will always be you no matter what. Sim is you in many ways but he’s always someone new, a new individual. Sure, we’d grow to care about him. Some may even come to love him but that doesn’t mean it will be easy to get over the fact that you had to die. He’d be a reminder of what we’ve lost. And what about your family? Do you really think they’ll just welcome him in?”

“He’s me!” Boy was he getting tired of having to explain his choice to everyone! Why wouldn’t they just understand?

“He’s a stranger Trip! He’s a stranger to everyone! The only real friend he has is his partner Rylic and that’s only because Rylic hasn’t spent three years, maybe even more being friends to you first! You think everything will be so simply Trip but it won’t!” Malcolm stood swiftly and closed his eyes, trying to calm down. “You’re my friend, you always will be. Just because your going to take Sim’s place doesn’t mean he’ll ever be able to take yours. You think you know how we felt about him Commander but you don’t! Guilt is what makes us act this way, not love or friendship. It’s out of guilt! We all killed him for our mission and we’ve been paying for it ever since. Don’t try to pretend your doing this for Sim because I know you aren’t. You’re doing this for you. You’re doing this because of your own guilt. You can make up as many excuses as you want, go ahead and preach about what’s right and what’s wrong but the way I see it, it’s all just one big lie. You feel you killed Sim and now you want to relieve the guilt you’ve carried so long. Well guess what, it’s us that killed him. It’s the people that said nothing, did nothing to stop Captain Archer from giving the order that took Sim’s life! It’s our fault he died, not yours. We could have said something, done something and we didn’t! Because we wanted you back just as much as the Captain did. And it didn’t matter what we were doing to get what we wanted. You shouldn’t be the one dying Trip. We’re all responsible. You’re the only one that’s not.” Malcolm swallowed hard before looking down one last time. Trip hadn’t realized how strongly Malcolm felt about all this. He hadn’t even thought of it. He should have, Malcolm was his friend. How could he not have realized that Malcolm would be just as upset as the rest of them? “I- I’m sorry. I need to go.”

“Aw come on Malcolm! I know your upset-“

“Upset?” Malcolm questioned, interrupting Trip. “I’m not upset Commander! I’m not upset at all! My best friend is about to go get himself killed, what do I have to be upset about?”

“I’m sorry Mal-“

“Why should I care that you’re making a mistake? Heck, for all we know we could find another way and no one will get killed! You might not end up making the biggest mistake you’ll ever make,” Malcolm said before chuckling however the laugh was NOT a good natured one. “If you do go along with Sim’s plan it’ll be the last mistake you ever make now won’t it!”

Trip exhaled sharply. “Stop it Malcolm! You know how hard this is for me!”

Malcolm stiffened, standing there in silence, suddenly realizing he’d lost control. Reed shook his head and turned around walking away. “If you’ll excuse me Commander, I have things I must attend to.”

“Malcolm?”

He didn’t turn around, he just kept on walking. Trip watched his friend leave the mess hall as fast as he could. He hadn’t seen his friend that emotional in a very long time. First T’Pol and now Malcolm? Hell, everyone was upset with him. Trip stared at the door for a full minute before downing yet another glass of bourbon. He knew people would be upset but he never expected this, but what was he supposed to do? Let someone die just because others didn’t mind it as much? He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t let someone die because of him. Not again.

==

Sim stood looking out at the window before him simply thinking about what he was about to do. Rylic walked over behind him. “You ready? The ship will be here in a few hours. We need to prepare.”

Sim hesitated. “Did Malcolm find anythin’? Maybe he found another solution.”

“There’s only one way we can catch Tesic off-guard Sim.”

Sim smiled. “I wanted to kill him with my bare hands,” he told his friend before turning around, repeating what he’d told Phlox earlier.

Rylic smiled back at him. “Sim, maybe you should talk with Trip. Say your goodbyes while you still have time, once Tesic gets here neither of you will have the time to say anything.”

Sim rested a hand on Rylic’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ve already taken care of it,” Sim assured him. “Come on, we better get a move on. Like ya said, we’ve got work to do. Tesic will be here soon.”

Rylic nodded before turning around and walking out of Sim’s room. Sim paused to look around the room before dropping a padd down on his bed. He took a deep breath then followed Rylic out.

To Be Continued

Continue to Chapter 12

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A whole mess of folks have made comments

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Its here.

Another great chapter. I can't wait for the conclusion.

Great chapter , but please give it a happy ending.

Great chapter. Wow, loved Malcolms speech to Trip but the guy still doesn't get it. He wasn't responsible for Sims death the first time and if Sim makes the choice to go on this mission Trip will still not be responsible if anything happens to him. I didn't understand Phloxs line to Sim in sickbay "I realise the has done so much to hurt you but you must realise that Trip is only trying to give you a life of your own". As I said earlier Trip was not responsible for what happened to Sim, why would Phlox say that Trip had hurt him. As Malcolm said it was the captains decision and it was Phlox himself you actually "killed" Sim in the end. Hope you get a chance to update soon. Thank you.

Wow, brilliant! Much as I loved T'Pol opening up to Trip and being honest with him it was Malcolm's tirade that did it for me. I could *so* see him reacting that way, giving Trip a jolt in the seat of his pants. Can't wait to see what happens next even though in my heart I already know. Ali D :~)

Sorry Ocean, that's a typo actually. In the beginning I was going to do something else but then changed it and I guess I missed that one. Sorry!

Way to go Malcolm!!!
Loved the opening... sigh...
;-)
Wonder what Sim is up to now.
Hope you steer toward a happy ending.

No problem Triplover, I was probably being a bit nit picky anyway. I also had a typo in my review!!. Keep up the great work.

Loved the opening scene between T & T. : ) Can't wait for the next chap!

Great chapter Triplover. Loved the interaction between Trip/T'Pol, Trip/Malcom & Sim/Phlox. Looking forward to your next installment.

I wonder what's on the PADD?.....hmmmm