Square One

Square One

By Blue Belle

Rated: PG
Disclaimer: Bermaga's creation. Unfortunately.
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship
Summary: Trip thinks on recent occurrences. Spoilers through the final season.
Author's Notes: I really don't write fanfic anymore, but I felt like doing this after watching "Demons" and "Terra Prime" and skipping out on "TATV". I felt like Trip's actions and words in "Demons" needed to be explained a little better. T'Pol, too, but to a lesser extent. Enterprise had so much potential. I really think I'm going to miss it. To make myself feel better, I'm turning "The Finale" into "The Beginning".

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

He sometimes thought he could hear her, whispering to him in the dark. With his eyes closed and the hum of Enterprise's engines just barely registering in his ears, he could sometimes allow his mind to wander. It was then that he thought he could catch the lilt of her tone, or the sweeping motion in his mind that made him think maybe she was thinking about him. When he really concentrated, though, he was never sure if it was real or imagined. He always did have an active imagination.

Commander Tucker sighed and opened his eyes, looking up at the darkened ceiling of his room. Stars flew by the small window that looked out into the universe, but he wasn't thinking about what was out there. Right now, his worries and concerns and wonder were focused on more personal things. There was a woman on this ship right now, not doors away from him, who was stealing his concentration. A lot had happened to him since his arrival on Enterprise, but none of it compared to the relationship that existed between him and a Vulcan thirty years his senior. It was more than just her, it was what had become because of her.

He squinted in the dark and ran a hand through his hair, massaging his tired head. He wasn't sure what to think anymore. A part of him blamed T'Pol, blamed her for what he had had to endure all these months, and for the pain that was new and crippling. She had caused a rift between him and his ship, his friends, and with her. He had felt used, tired, and confused each time she allowed herself to get close to him, then turned away. He had gotten to a point where even he didn't know what he wanted anymore. All the could think about was taking a break. So he did. He left. He left the ship and he left her. But that didn't solve anything.

A frown worked its way onto his features. The universe never seemed to stop toying with him, showing him what he could have and then taking it away. It almost seemed as though it was fate that he and T'Pol should be together, if he believed in fate. Trip Tucker was never one for destiny. He couldn't ignore it, though - the universe had given him two children with T'Pol, and then taken them both away. Each time it was like a slap in the face, waking him to both the possibility of what could be and the disappointment of what was. Their daughter's service happened only days ago, and it was still painfully fresh. He pursed his lips, thinking about how much his life had changed recently. It all seemed to revolve around T'Pol. And now she was constantly with him, in a way he couldn't wrap his mind around. If it took so much energy and love and commitment to form a psychic bond, why did she brush him off so quickly after their only sexual encounter? It made no sense to him. It made him angry that it was nothing more than an accident they both wished had never happened.

He closed his eyes again, seeking sleep. It seemed a useless endeavour, one that he would have gone to T'Pol for a remedy in the past. He blinked open his eyes and pursed his lips, thinking. It had been over a year since that evening in her quarters. A year. Time had gone by so quickly. It seemed just yesterday he had actively resented his neuropressure sessions with her. It hadn't taken long for that to change. A small smile tugged at his mouth as he thought about how irritated she had seemed at his stubborn nature. He had delighted in that. Hell, he had always delighted in seeing how much he could annoy her. It made for an interesting pasttime.

Another heavy breath moved past his lips as his smile faded. He couldn't kid himself. Even with the surprise and confusion this bond brought, there was something comforting about it. There were worse women to be stuck with, he supposed. Never in his wildest imagination (and he definitely had one of those) did he ever think he would end up with a non-human, though. It was kind of exciting, and a little unnerving. He often wished things had progressed differently between he and T'Pol, but this outcome...it wasn't a big deal. It really wasn't. It was new and something to be explored. And the fact that he had spent the last hour lying in his bed concentrating on capturing her presence in his mind made him realize that yeah, he was being a child about this. This wasn't her fault. No more than it was his. There had been a time when he had considered that he more than just cared about the Vulcan he had become friends with. After all that had happened, he hadn't really had time to think about that lately. Maybe it was time that he did. In fact, maybe it was time he did more than just think.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Trip got up and pulled on a shirt and sweatpants. His hands ran though his mussed hair as he walked out the door and padded barefoot down the hall. A short thrill of anticipation ran through him, but he ignored the anxiety and kept walking. She wasn't far away. And if he understood this bond correctly, she knew he was coming.

Her door opened quickly after he pressed the buzzer.

"Hey," he said softly, taking in her appearance. She seemed weary and apprehensive. Tucker frowned, not knowing if he knew that because of the bond or just because he knew T'Pol so well. They had both had a rough couple of days. Taking a breath, he raised both his eyebrows and asked, "Can I come in?"

She quietly stepped aside. He noticed her bed was neat; she hadn't been sleeping. "Can I get you anything?" she asked, and he turned to look at her. Her arms were crossed and her eyes averted. She looked tired. He frowned.

"No," he answered, "No, I just...needed to talk." Her eyes met his as he cocked his head apologetically. "Can we do that?" T'Pol nodded, taking a seat on the edge of her bed. Trip rubbed his eyes and sat down beside her, noticing her stiffen slightly as he did. It irked him. "Why do you do that?" he asked sourly, gesturing at her posture.

"Do what?" she inquired, raising an eyebrow in his direction.

"This!" His gestures broadened as he widened his eyes at her question, "Why are you so uncomfortable around me?"

"I'm not uncomfortable," she exhaled heavily, her shoulders softening, "And there is no need to get emotional."

Unable to stop himself, he rolled his eyes before returning her stare. She did not looked pleased. "Look, I know you've been though a lot. I have, too. I've been an ass lately, I know that. But you have to understand that this is a lot to take in. I didn't expect this," he gestured between them, "And I certainly didn't expect a daughter."

"And you think I did?" she asked icily.

"No, no, of course not." Trip heaved a breath, almost regretting this visit.

Her words were hard. "You can leave if you like."

That angered him. Pursing his lips in anger, he glared at her and replied, "I am not leaving. Not until this is made clear. And stop reading my mind!"

T'Pol wasn't intimidated. "I don't have to read your mind...your feelings are quite clear. You blame me for this bond. And for our daughter."

He backed down. Trip's anger diminished quickly until something very new. Guilt. "You think that?" he asked, hurt. "You think I blame you?"

"Don't you?"

"No," he replied, not hesitating, "I don't. I'm human, T'Pol, you know that. This...bond...has brought a lot of confusion, but I don't blame you. There may have been a time...when I thought I did, but no, I don't. Look, I'm trying to work through this the best I can, and I'm sorry I haven't done better. I am. The last thing I want is for us to hate each other because of what the universe keeps taking away from us." He narrowed his eyes and lowered his gaze to hers, adding sternly, "And I do not blame you for Elizabeth. I would never. Do you understand?"

The anxiety in her features softened. "Yes."

"I think we're both tired," he sighed, shaking his head, "I can't stop thinking about the funeral. This would be a strain on anyone, T'Pol, and I just wanted...," he frowned, then turned back to her, "I wanted to ask you to be patient with me. I need time, to work through this."

She looked down at her clasped hands, nodding faintly. "As do I. I apologize, Trip. This is difficult for me as well."

He bit his lip, nodding. Taking a deep breath, he spoke what weighed on his mind. "And I needed to...to tell you that, even if I'm a little distant, or...hostile," he grimaced at the word, somewhat ashamed, "It's not you. You...I don't want to lose you, T'Pol. I don't want to push you away." He exhaled heavily, trying to find the words. "I know, I'm not bein' very clear. I'm sorry."

Her eyes were bright as they met his. She had always been difficult to read, but her expression and tone made him relax. "I understand," she replied, "Thank you."

He moved his hand to her lap, covering her entwined hands and squeezing. "Get some sleep." He smiled weakly and stood, heading for the door. "I'll come see you tomorrow." Stopping as the door opened, he looked back and added, "Okay?"

She nodded. "Yes."

"Goodnight, T'Pol." He smiled again, this time sincerely.

Her eyes glittered in the faint light. "Goodnight, Trip."

Trip Tucker stepped out into the hall, and made his way back to his room.

*

END

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Eight hardy souls have made comments

A wee ray of hope. Thanks

Even though you don't write much fan-fic anymore, I'm very glad you wrote this! Their frustration and the reasons for their frustration were palpable here, as was that hope and determination. Thank you!

A tantalizing taste of your talent... and then you leave us hanging! Please rejoin the fanfic fold, if only for a few days, and give us more.

Another story, a sequel, you will write maybe? I like! :)

cough...(I think we need to see "square two")...cough

Wow... I wish there were more. But, what there was... it was really well done.

Excellent characterization. I'm very impressed, and I agree with the previous comments that we'd like to see part 2!

Part 2, Part 2, part 2!