Loss

Loss

By JennaTripped

Rating: PG
Spoilers: All aired episodes, and season 4 spoilers through the VCW arc.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: T’Pol deals with the consequences of her decisions.

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T’Pol lay on her back, staring at the ceiling of her quarters. The lights were off, and the faint smell of sulfur lingered in the air from when she had extinguished her meditation candle. A single tear rolled down her cheek and landed on her pillow. She swiftly brushed the wetness away. Her meditation had been unsuccessful tonight.

Her mother was dead.

T’Pol had managed to control herself at the time. She had summoned all of her willpower and leashed her emotions, which had already been precariously close to the surface. She had closed her mother’s eyes, lifted her body, and placed her on the transport that returned them all to civilization. She had felt Captain Archer’s eyes on her the whole time. No doubt he was expecting her to express sorrow and grief. She refused to do so.

T’Pol made arrangements for T’Les’s funeral and cremation. She had accepted the perfunctory sentiments of shared grief uttered by her people in voices not meant for human ears. It had been civilized, polite, and emotionless.

It had left her feeling cold and alone.

She missed Trip.

T’Pol doubted he even knew of T’Les’s death. Captain Archer would not be so forward as to tell him, and T’Pol had been in too much pain to see him when she returned to the ship. It was an impossible situation. She was unhappy and wanted him to comfort her. He had known her mother and T’Les had liked him very much despite her protests to the contrary. But he was also a source of more pain. He did not wish to be with her in the way she wanted him.

She recalled a conversation they had had just a few weeks ago. Romeo and Juliet would have had a better chance… T’Pol understood the reference. Trip believed that a pair of “star-crossed lovers” who had ultimately taken their own lives had more of a chance at happiness than they did. His position was clear, but it did not stop her from wishing he would come to her.

Her marriage was no longer an obstacle. The thought did not trouble her as much as it should. Koss had discovered her Pa’Nar Syndrome and understandably had no wish to be with a wife so afflicted. T’Pol did not care that he would almost certainly tell others about her illness, and she would become even more of a pariah than she was already. Any hint of respectability she had regained by marrying Koss would be shattered by a divorce.

Another tear leaked down her cheek, and this time she did not wipe it away.

She had given up her chance at happiness with her human, and she had no right to ask him to give their relationship another chance. No right…

Another tear.

She had lost Trip; she had lost her mother; she had lost her opportunity to lead a life of her choosing. She did not know what path she should take now. She needed guidance, but the two people who had been the source of that guidance were gone.

T’Pol took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It would do her no good to dwell on her loss. She would sleep, and devise a solution to her problem tomorrow.

It might have been two or twenty hours later when T’Pol was awakened by the gentle buzz that signaled someone at her door. She blinked, cleared her mind of the haziness of sleep, pulled on her robe, and opened the door.

Trip stared sorrowfully at her, his eyes taking in her form from top to bottom.

“Hey.”

T’Pol moved out of the way silently, inviting him in. Her heart beat erratically. She acknowledged that she missed his company more than could possibly be healthy for her. These emotions could not be contained.

“Trip…”

“Look, T’Pol, just let me talk, okay?” She nodded silently and composed herself. Of course she would let him speak to her. She had been wishing he would for weeks now. Their last real conversation had nearly broken her. For the first time in four years, he had refused to engage her, had refused to look at her and meet her eyes. It was difficult to accept. She had come to… rely on him.

“I don’t know what happened down there on Vulcan, but I do know I missed you like crazy. And yeah, that probably sounds stupid, and ya probably don’t care, but I hafta say it. I know you and I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of working out romantically, but I can’t lose you as a friend.” He took and deep breath and T’Pol blinked at him, not fully understanding what he was saying.

She watched him closely, her eyes devouring every little gesture, every achingly familiar movement. Perhaps she was still asleep. She rarely dreamed, but T’Pol admitted it was a possibility given her lack of meditation.

“T’Pol? T’Pol, did you hear what I said?”

She mentally shook herself. “Yes, I believe so. You wish to be my… friend.”

“I know I said some stupid stuff and that I haven’t been there for ya, but ya have to understand how hard it was for me. I watched the woman I love marry another man in front of my eyes.”

He pressed his palms against his eyes and T’Pol realized he was fighting back tears. She swallowed back her own and reached out to touch his arm lightly. He looked up at her and pulled her hand over his heart. Memories assailed her from the last time she had seen him this distraught: his sister’s death. The thought flickered at the back of her mind that losing Trip and losing her mother had felt the same, even though one was symbolic and the other was not.

His heart beat steadily under her fingers. She could tell him, and he would be there for her.

“My mother…” Trip wiped his eyes quickly and studied her quietly. “My mother was badly injured three days ago while Captain Archer and I were negotiating with the Syrannites. She… did not survive.”

T’Pol stared blankly at her fingers, which picked at the light material of his shirt where it lay over his heart. As her eyes roamed to his face, Trip pulled her to him in a gentle hug.

“Oh God T’Pol… I’m so sorry….”

T’Pol leaned her head against his shoulder, tucked under his chin. She took a shuddering breath and inhaled his scent. His hands roamed over her back gently, soothing her as she clung to him. After a few minutes, Trip released her from his arms and wordlessly guided her to the bed. She was numb, watching him curiously and wondering what his intentions were. He helped her out of her robe and tucked her back into the bunk before pulling off his shirt and boots and sliding in next to her.

T’Pol leaned into him and fell into an exhausted sleep with her human’s arms wrapped snugly about her.

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A whole mess of folks have made comments

Wow. Well done, that was beautiful!

Oh really nice story, Jenna. I loved your T'Pol POV! She can't be easy to write. Great insight into her thoughts at this time. I also loved the way it ended of course. Very sweet.

Ahhh thats wondeful!

Nicely written! Especially the end.
But why does almost everybody have to kill off T'Les?
;-)

I killed off T'Les because of a spoiler I heard. ;)

Nice story Jenna, very sad, but very cute at the end.

Ah, bless him. Trip always knows what is best for T'Pol. This was wonderful and very well written. Thank you, Ali D :~)

Just like Trip! There's got to be a way for them to work this out!

Loved your understanding of T'Pol. Hope there will be more.

Aww! I haven't read ENT fan fiction in a LONG time, this was a nice one to come back on!
Very good, I liked.

Great story Jenna, very sad but both very true to form.

Outstanding!

There was no Sex thats WAsss BOrin!

Don't expect sex when I rate it PG. ;-) Maybe next time. :-P

Well, now that episode # 8 has aired, I went back and read this again, and now it seems even more plausible! Great imagination, Jenna! Or..... is it ESP? Hmmmmm...... LOL!

Loved it, please write a seual. Trip's wrong - they can work out romantically!

so sweet!

Sometimes mourning does not happen right away, there is a delayed reaction due to any number of things including having a job to finish up like T'Pol had - taking down the Vulcan High Command. I am glad you filled in the details of what happend to T'Les's body, that it was not left out there in the ruins of a bombed out monastery. It is so satisfying when fan fiction fills in what canon has left out.