To Have Learned Nothing At All- Ch 5

To Have Learned Nothing At All

By Samantha Quinn

Disclaimer in Chapter One
Spoilers: teeny tiny for Rajiin.
A/N: As always, thanks to my betas, HopefulNebula and K.Phillips for whipping this into shape and rounding up stray apostrophes and hyphenations. As well as strange characterizations.
A/N: Please take note that the Vulcan heart is located where our liver is and that this story’s genre has been changed to Romance/Angst when it was originally Romance/General. Archivers may wish to take note of that as well. Sorry, but as I have stated before, my muse is a cranky witch.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Part 5

Because of the Wonderful Things He Does?

*********

By the time the evening meal had come to Enterprise, T’Pol still had not read her message from Vulcan. As she headed toward the Mess Hall, however, she inwardly chastised this new tendency towards procrastination. *How many other human qualities have I begun to acquire?*

*Personal messages do not require my immediate attention.* T’Pol tried to console herself.

Being honest with herself, however, required T’Pol to recall that she had conveniently disregarded the potential importance of the message since Ensign Sato had informed her that it had been sent specifically for her.

Pledging to end her procrastination streak as soon as she had consumed the evening meal, T’Pol scanned the Mess Hall for an appropriate place to sit. Although she did not want to eat alone, her typical meal companion was absent and the Captain was again too busy with reports to take a break. It was unfortunate that the Captain did not desire company for his meals any longer. However, T’Pol made certain by checking the logs that he had eaten. In addition, Dr. Phlox had assured her that although the Captain had lost weight recently, he was not malnourished nor in any danger of starving. Such reassurances had satisfied T’Pol and pacified Commander Tucker.

Spotting a small, empty table near the back of the Mess Hall, T’Pol made her way over and sat down. As she focused on her food and allowed her thoughts to dwell upon the potential contents of her message from home, she momentarily blocked out the human interactions around her. Her ability to block effectively was halted by the obscenely loud conversation between Hoshi and Mackenzie.

“Ensign Sato, would you like to sit with me?” Mackenzie suggested.

“Well, actually, I . . . have another dinner appointment,” Hoshi told the blond MACO.

*If Ensign Sato’s tone and degree of hesitation are any indication, she has just related a falsehood,* T’Pol noted quietly to herself.

“With who?”

*With whom,* T’Pol corrected silently. Ensign Sato was not as silent with her correction.

“That’s too bad. I just thought it would be nice to get to know some of Malcolm’s friends a little better, Ensign.”

*Her reasoning is most logical. Evidently, Ensign Sato disagrees.* T’Pol based her analysis on the clenching of Hoshi’s fists at her side. T’Pol determined it was time to intervene. Although the MACO was certainly capable of defending herself, T’Pol did not relish the idea of placing Ensign Sato in the brig for striking a fellow crewmate.

“Ensign Sato.”

At the sound of T’Pol’s voice, both Mackenzie and Hoshi turned their heads in the science officer’s direction. They wore equally surprised expressions upon their faces, but T’Pol’s sharp gaze also detected a hint of relief upon Hoshi’s face. “Yes, T’Pol?” Hoshi questioned.

*Her fists are beginning to unclench. I am clearly proceeding in the right direction.* “I have been waiting for my evening meal companion for fifteen minutes and thirty two seconds. I would appreciate an end to my wait.”

A look of definite surprise crossed Hoshi’s face. It was quickly followed by a triumphant smirk as she turned to look at Mackenzie. “I’m sorry, Mackenzie, but T’Pol and I have urgent ship’s business to discuss. I’m sure you and I can eat together. . . some other time.”

T’Pol doubted that Hoshi would allow that to happen, but said nothing as Mackenzie turned and walked away.

Hoshi sat down across from T’Pol and smiled brightly at her. “Thank you, T’Pol. I owe you one.”
“You owe me nothing. I simply took the logical path to prevent you from striking a crewmate,” T’Pol maintained.

“Oh. Um. . . do you want me to go, then?” Hoshi asked, beginning to rise.

“No. My actions may have been a preemptive measure; regardless, my words were true.” *Entirely too true. Having companions for the essential task of food consumption is not necessary. How shall I be able to readjust to a Vulcan life of solitude after I am recalled to Vulcan to be punished for my insubordination?*

*Perhaps I shall not have to make such an adjustment. Perhaps the Vulcan High Command has foregone pretense and banished me from the planet.*

T’Pol was not certain which would be worse.

Not wanting to dwell upon such matters yet, T’Pol forced her attention back to Ensign Sato. Hoshi had sat back down and was currently pretending to eat. Over the course of the mission, T’Pol had seen such a symptom numerous times in Commander Tucker, whenever he was experiencing great emotional distress.

Given her earlier conversation with Mackenzie, T’Pol deduced the problem easily. “You did not seem anxious to sit with-"

“Mackenzie?” Hoshi spat. “Oh, gee, T’Pol, I don’t know why I wouldn’t be anxious to sit with Mackenzie. She’s wonderful.”

“You are employing sarcasm,” T’Pol stated with certainty. She was able to deduce the Ensign’s motives by noting the savage manner in which the other woman speared her vegetables.

Hoshi slumped in her seat. “Yeah, T’Pol, sorry. I know Vulcans probably don’t appreciate sarcasm.” Although she professed her apology, the linguist did not stop the unnecessarily hostile actions upon her food.

*I appreciate more than you realize,* T’Pol answered mentally. T’Pol questioned, “I understand the concept of sarcasm, Ensign. I do not understand why you hold such dislike towards someone who is Lieutenant Reed’s friend. I had believed that you and the Lieutenant were friends.”

T’Pol watched in fascination as the other woman increased her attack upon her food. *If she continues for a prolonged period, the carrots would require a scientific scan in order to be recognizable.*

“Oh, we’re friends, all right,” Hoshi answered bitterly.

T’Pol was not certain whether or not that statement had held sarcasm. Thus, she waited instead for the other woman to elaborate. She was not disappointed.

“I don’t suppose Vulcans ever get jealous,” Hoshi finally remarked wistfully.

Images of the Enterprise’s missions prior to the Expanse immediately came to mind, but T’Pol resisted the urge to dwell upon them. “Jealousy is an emotion,” she answered evasively.

“Of course,” Hoshi muttered.

Seeing that her previous response had not accomplished the intended goal, she added, “However, living amongst humans has made me understand the concept.”

It was not, strictly speaking, a lie.

Hoshi smiled slightly and shook her head. “I suppose living with us and our emotions must drive you crazy.”

T’Pol suppressed a memory of a time when she had been certain her sanity would leave her. But the event had been linked to Trellium-D, not humans, and was best left behind her, along with the Expanse. Ignoring the shiver that threatened to overtake her, T’Pol reminded herself that Vulcans do not dwell upon emotional matters, regardless of how unfortunate they might be. “Your emotions have not threatened my sanity.” At Hoshi’s smile, T’Pol continued, “Illogically, I have found human emotions to have a purpose within your society.”

Hoshi looked at her with interest. “Really? I never thought I’d hear a Vulcan say that.”

*Nor did I ever expect to hear myself say such a phrase.* “Humans’ differing emotions help to define their characters. While it is not always a pleasant experience, it is not without merit in your society, even if they do not hold the same merit in Vulcan society.”

T’Pol was pleased to discover that Hoshi had ceased to batter her vegetables. Surprisingly, however, the Ensign leaned forward at T’Pol’s last comment. “Then wouldn’t you agree that if a human is going to love someone, they should love them for the very emotions that define their character?”

“That would be a logical course of action,” T’Pol agreed.

Hoshi gave a snort of disgust, and went back to unconstructive mauling of her carrots. “Since when is love ever logical?”

“Given that it is a human condition, logic would be a rare employment,” T’Pol conceded. “However, I presume your question to mean that you do not believe Lieutenant Reed’s relationship is an appropriate match?”

“No!” Hoshi said with a bit more force than she had possibly intended. Her outburst gathered some curious looks from fellow patrons in the Mess Hall, causing the Ensign to blush brightly.

T’Pol ignored both events. “Why do you believe his choice in romantic partners to be in error?” The carrots, she noted, were a near liquid state.

“Because she brings out all the wrong traits in Malcolm,” Hoshi said forcefully.

“I have not detected any noticeable change in the Lieutenant that could be described as negative,” T’Pol argued, confused.

Hoshi shook her head. “No, that’s not what I meant. I meant . . . well, she wants Malcolm because she thinks he’s tough, strong, and durable.”

T’Pol cocked her head to indicate her confusion. “Are those not traits you attribute to Lieutenant Reed?”

“Of course I do,” Hoshi assured T’Pol. “Malcolm is all of those things. But he also has vulnerabilities and weaknesses that help define his character – and Mackenzie doesn’t know Malcolm the sweet or Malcolm the gentle. She only knows Malcolm the tough.”

“What reason do you have to believe this?”

Hoshi scowled in a most uncharacteristically childish manner. “Part of my training as a linguist involved observing all types of interpersonal communications, T’Pol. When they are together, Malcolm acts differently.”

“I see,” T’Pol said. *An understatement at best.* The thought of returning home to Vulcan to take a traditional male Vulcan as her mate threatened T’Pol’s calm. She knew, undoubtedly, that she could never be bonded to one who employed the strictest of logic and who viewed humans as inferior. “You believe you could be a better mate for Lieutenant Reed?” *Such would explain her jealousy.*

Hoshi did not immediately answer, but the additional shade of red that possessed the Ensign’s features was enough of an indication for T’Pol that she had been correct in her assessment. “Is Ensign Mayweather aware of your affection for the Lieutenant?”

Hoshi shrugged. “Why should what Travis thinks about-" her mid-sentence pause gave her mouth time to react to her brain’s digestion of T’Pol’s insinuation. “Oh-NO! Travis and I are not a couple, T’Pol. He’s just a good friend, regardless of what the Rumor Mill might say.”

A gentle memory caressed the forefront of T’Pol’s consciousness at the mention of a Rumor Mill.

****^^^^^^^^****

“You know, I really need to talk to you about something.”

“I suppose not.”

***^^^^^^^^****

T’Pol’s comments had seemingly put the commander at ease, as he had continued to grace her with his presence with minimal coercion required.

“Of course,” Hoshi continued, “Travis and I aren’t the hottest topic on the Rumor Mill.” The sly smile that the Ensign tossed her way confirmed T’Pol’s suspicion that the “hottest topic” involved herself and Commander Tucker.

T’Pol was overcome with the urge to return to her quarters and retrieve her message. *Have I also acquired the human tendency to ignore unpleasant realities?*

“As you implied, Ensign, the Rumor Mill is not a reliable source for factual information,” she stated finally. “It is therefore unwise to partake in such a forum, either as participant or spectator.”

Although Hoshi nodded solemnly, T’Pol noted the twinkle in the other woman’s eyes and the smile she unsuccessfully tried to keep hidden as she pressed her lips together. *Ensign Sato would make an inefficient Vulcan,* she noted. *Her abilities to suppress inappropriate emotions are woefully inadequate.*

“I must go, Ensign. May your interpersonal relationship with Lieutenant Reed progress in the manner you desire.”

Hoshi gave in to the smile that had threatened to overtake her features. “Thanks, T’Pol. Good luck with Trip, too.”

T’Pol arched an eyebrow innocently and responded, “Vulcans do not believe in luck, Ensign.”

The other woman’s laughter followed T’Pol as she made her exit from the Mess Hall. *I am pleased that her mood has lightened, even if I can find no basis for the humor she finds in my relationship with Commander Tucker.*

****^^^^^^^^****

Alone in her quarters, T’Pol did not share the light mood of Ensign Sato.

For the sixty-eight point two minutes that T’Pol hesitated before downloading her message, she contemplated the possible outcomes. She was ninety-eight percent certain that the bearer of the message would be Soval, although there was the stray possibility that it was her family, or a more neutral member of High Command contacting her. Regardless of the message bearer, T’Pol was nearly certain the message would serve to illustrate displeasure with her decision to accompany the Enterprise into the Expanse.

Reminding herself that anxiety was a human emotion, she leaned forward and downloaded the message. The message was not a statistical anomaly. Soval’s face did indeed grace her screen. T’Pol was pleased she was alone as she felt her breath quicken illogically. In a vain attempt to regain the control she had lost, T’Pol clasped her hands together tightly.

“T’Pol, as I send this message, I assume that you have some foreknowledge as to the reason I am contacting you. That is presuming that you have not completely abandoned logic. Given your last contact with the High Command, I realize that presumption may be unfounded.”

T’Pol’s nails dug firmly into her olive skin as the battle for control became increasingly harder to win.

“It is because of your last contact with High Command that I am contacting you now. If you still possess the ability to think logically, you know that you are still subject to Vulcan law, as is anyone who holds a public position within our society.”

*I am aware of that. Vulcans such as Tolaris may roam the galaxy and infringe upon personal boundaries without punishment from our government. Yet, because I was a representative of our people, my helping the humans may lead to censure.*

“You may be pleased to know that the High Command has decided against formal discipline. The alternative would ordinarily mean exile from our home world. This is the route I am in favor of, as you have proven yourself to be incapable of following the path of logic. Such proof became unarguable once you chose to help the Humans with their hostile aggression towards the Xindi.”

T’Pol felt a warm fluid began to flow in the palm of her hands. She did not glance down to confirm it was the blood she believed it to be. She made no effort to loosen her grip.

“However, in the Enterprise’s absence, the ties between Earth and Vulcan have grown considerably stronger. There are many in High Command who believe you should not be censured in any capacity. T’Pau is amongst these, so you are aware that you have powerful allies.”

*But you are not among them.*

“While you may escape the embarrassment of public censure, T’Pol, and may indeed be unduly rewarded for your illogic, I urge you to return to our planet of your own volition. Your actions regarding the Expanse have proven that your time with humans has contaminated you, as you have consistently placed feeling and emotion above logic and sense.”

*Indeed? Does logic and sense dictate callousness? Did Surak himself not say, “We have differences. May we, together, become greater than the sum of both of us?” * T’Pol forced aside the burgeoning anger at Soval’s words.

“I expected more from you, T’Pol.”

The last words from her mentor should not have had the ability to cause such discord. Where was the logic in such disharmony when the final result of the High Council’s decision was not yet known? *Perhaps my response to his message is proof of the validity of his claims.*

*Yet it is not anxiety alone that causes me discomfort,* she acknowledged. The sensations of resentment that T’Pol had known when Soval had attempted to prevent her from accompanying the Enterprise to the Expanse resurfaced. *Soval and his ilk do not respect the ideology of IDIC. There can be no infinite diversity in their interpretation of Human-Vulcan relationships. Yet they have the audacity to claim I have abandoned the path of Surak?*

Taking a deep breath, T’Pol tried to steady to steady the emotional onslaught she was experiencing. *Anger is an emotion. It is inappropriate to indulge in such a sensation.*

Shaking her head, T’Pol rose to fetch her meditation candles, although she firmly believed that meditation would not come to her tonight. Nor would sleep. *It is fortunate that Vulcans can go with little sleep.*

As T’Pol reached for the meditation candles, her eyes spied the dried green fluid that ran in a short line from her palm to her wrists. Stopping to trace the fluid’s path, T’Pol contemplated the possible symbolism inherent in the abrupt end of the blood flow.

*I have become undeniably sentimental. Soval was correct.*

Sitting down to meditate, T’Pol became aware of another sensation even stronger than sentimentality. She was unable to correctly identify it, yet it was undeniably emotional . . . in part. She was more acutely aware of her solitude than she had been before. Causing T’Pol concern was the fact that her solitude caused her considerable distress – very similarly to the sensation she had experienced in the Mess Hall. *Yet infinitely stronger.*

The sensation- *Should I classify it as an emotion?*- was also providing T’Pol with considerable physical discomfort. Her breathing refused to steady and a dull ache extended from her lungs down to where her heart settled above her intestines. Additionally, despite T’Pol’s efforts, she found herself unable to fully relax. Her body insisted on remaining rigid, most notably within her upper torso.

It was a sensation stronger than it should have been, even given the contents of Soval’s message.

Taking a deep breath, T’Pol leaned forward to light her candles. Sternly, she reminded herself that meditation was not a time to indulge in emotional sentiment. Besides, there was no logical reason for the sensation she was experiencing.

*And I am still a Vulcan. Regardless of what Soval may think.*

She continued to believe that, even as she found it near impossible to focus on the flame in front of her.

***

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