Unfulfilled- Part Seven

Unfulfilled

By Samantha Quinn

Rating: Pg-13, Romance/Angst. Lots and lots of angst. **Future Fic.***
Codes: A/T and T/T. Although, I warn you-neither A/T fans nor T/T will like this story much. Although T/T-er’s will like it much more than A/T’ers, most likely.
A/N: Yes, I know. Archer’s as Cunning as Kirk, as Noble as Picard, and as Wise as Sisko. Clearly, his characterization has been skewed. Or perhaps, this is just Charlie’s POV

Part 7

Mistakes of the Father: Charlie’s POV
.
*************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

People – and Vulcans- are stupid.

Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. But they do stupid things sometimes. Things to complicate their lives far beyond what they need to. Take for instance Koval. Koval, whom I love like a brother and want to see happy more than just about anyone, is quite possibly the stupidest sentient being I’ve ever known. Quite a feat too, given how smart he is.

I didn’t think he’d actually go through with it. I thought he was smarter than that. I thought he’d chose to do what would have made him happy. But in the end, he chose what made the Admiral happy. He chose Starfleet. Koval, my dear, sweet, misguided friend, chose not to attend the Vulcan Science Academy, even though that’s where his heart is. And why? All to serve some misguided notions of “honor” and “lineage” that matter to Vulcans.

How fucking logical is honor, anyway?

Oops, Charlie boy, calm down. But you know, for a species that prides itself on following a path of logic, sometimes Vulcans do awfully stupid, illogical things. The whole pon far thing isn’t their fault, I guess. But according to So’Trip, sometimes they still fight for their mates. I’m not supposed to know that, of course, because I’m an illogical, emotional human who doesn’t follow the path of Surak.

But I’ve never been stupid enough to try to warp logic around to an unrecognizable state as a means to justify my own emotions. At least when I’m being emotional, I have the guts to admit it. Isn’t that honorable?

I do need to calm down. But my little chat with Koval put me in a bad mood.

*************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

“I can’t believe you’re choosin’ Starfleet, Koval.”
“It is my final decision, Charlie.”
“Well, it’s a stupid one. This isn’t what ya want, Koval.”
“If it was not, I would not have chosen this path.”
“Ya only chose this path because you’re tryin’ to appease that insufferable ass-"
"You should not speak of the Admiral in such a manner.”

*************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

Well, he is an insufferable ass. And a shitty father, too. Mr. “Being a Good Son Requires You to Be Exactly Like Me.”

*************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

“Why not? Koval-"
“I understand your concern, Charlie. However, the Admiral has attempted to be a good father, even if his methods were incorrect. I would appreciate it if you would remember that in the future. Furthermore, you are now currently engaged in the very activity that you are accusing him of. Please refrain from being hypocritical.”

*************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

Coming from Koval, that was as blunt of a rebuff as I’m ever going to get. Hell, I don’t think he’s ever actually been so irritated at me. Not since the whole “I am a Vulcan” mode he adopted around age five. Maybe it was earlier. I’m not sure. You see, unlike the Admiral, I’ve never minded Koval’s Vulcan half. I’ve never tried to mold the stubborn Vulcan into being something he’s not. But, oh, I get compared to the Admiral anyway.

I hardly think that’s fair.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you Americans have a saying something to the effect of, ‘You had better hope your face doesn’t freeze like that’?” Maggie asks from her seat in the pilot’s chair.

“Funny, Maggie, real funny. I know Koval’s your boyfriend, and all, and therefore you have to be on his side, but could ya maybe not add to my misery? And your dad might be English, but you’re an American too. Unless someone moved San Francisco and forgot to tell us.”

Maggie turns to give me a scowl. “Watch it, Tucker, unless you want to test the emergency eject in this shuttle. I follow no man aimlessly. Not even my Adun.”

Bah. So she can pronounce fancy smancy Vulcan words like Adun. I can say “sa-kai.” Not that Koval was in much of a mood to hear that tonight. “Whatever. Maggie-WATCH THE TREE!”

Pulling away sharply, Maggie laughs at my terror. Oh, she’s on her Adun’s side all right. Tryin’ to kill me with a heart attack. Seeing my reaction, Koval’s assassin remarks, “No worries, Tucker. You’re flying with the best pilot to ever put on a Starfleet uniform.”

“Funny. I was under the impression Captain Mayweather was still patrolling the Neutral Zone.”

“Well, second best, then.

“Hmm. Commander Paris isn’t still at the helm of the Excalibur?”

“Ha ha. Don’t be cranky at me just cause you’re mad at Koval.”

“And I don’t suppose ya think I have a right to be mad?”

“Not particularly. I think you’re over-reacting a tad.”

“Figures.”

“You did insult his father, Charlie. That wasn’t entirely proper of you.”

“I always insult the Admiral. Koval’s never gotten pissy before.”

“Well, maybe this time you struck a nerve.”

“Maggie, the man’s a xenophobic, intolerant, petulant child in the body of a sixty year old man with the intelligence of a dead amoeba! Now I imagine that sucks to have as a father, but I wasn’t tryin’ to insult his dad. I was just tryin’ to get him to see-"

“Charlie.” Maggie’s voice is considerably quieter this time. Okay, so she wants me to shut up. “You know as well as I do that Koval and his father have problems. They’ve always had problems. In addition, Koval has had to watch both you and I go through life with fathers who love us as much as the Admiral does Koval, but who are much more adept at showing it. You honestly can’t see how that would upset Koval? Especially after he’s spent weeks pouring over this decision? A very emotional one at that?”

Okay, so maybe I was callous. “I didn’t think-"

“No, it’s apparent that you didn’t. We’re pulling in for a landing. Hold on.”

I cast a couple of glares at the back of Maggie’s head as we land. True, the property around my parent’s house is a bit rocky, but I’d almost swear she landed rough on purpose. She didn’t need to. I already got the point. I’m an ass.

Not as much of an ass as the Admiral, though.

*************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

After my little spat with Koval, I needed to talk to someone that would understand. Normally, the person I take my problems to is Koval. He’s unavailable, though, for obvious reasons. I’d also feel comfy talking to Maggie, but she’s obviously biased. Given the personal nature of my problem, I wanted to take it to someone I was close to, so the next obvious choice was Dad. Maggie insisted on flying the shuttle, because she claims I was too mad to fly responsibly.

That’s possible.

As I wander up the path, I can vaguely hear the voices of my parents coming from the house. Mostly it’s the voice of my mother, who doesn’t seem very happy about something. Hmph. Must be something in the air. I briefly debate going back to the Academy, but I really want to talk to Dad. So, taking a deep breath, I open the door. Turns out, I’m just in time to hear my mother throw an accusation at my father.

“You’re abandoning us, Charles Tucker.”

That’s not something I ever expected to hear my mother say to my father. Primarily because I could never believe that my father would ever actually abandon us.

My parents are in the living room and as of yet, haven’t heard me come in. I suppose it’s not very polite to stand here and eaves-drop. But I’m going to do it anyway.

“I’m not abandonin’ ya, Natalie. And I’m certainly not abandonin’ Charlie,” my father protests.

“Then what do you call it?” my mother demands.

“I call it needin’ to go. Needin’ to be free of this place now that it’s . . . empty.”

“It’s not empty! I’m here.”

“But it’s just you and me, Nat. This house is too big for just us –"

“We can move to a smaller house.”

“It’s not just the house, Nat.”

“No, of course it isn’t.” I’m surprised at the sudden venom in my mother’s voice. “It has to do more with Ambassador T’Pol, doesn’t it?”

What the hell does Ambassadors T’Pol have to do with anything? And why would my parents be fighting over Koval’s mother? I should leave. Eaves-dropping is rude. Really rude. And yet. . .

“Leave her out of this, Nat. She doesn’t have anything to do with-"

“The hell she doesn’t. You expect me to believe that, Trip? I know you’re in love with her.”

What? Has my mother lost her mind?

“Nat-"

“See? You can’t even deny it. The pathetic part is she’s in love with you too. Did either you or she ever stop to consider how disrespectful your little charade is to your wife or her husband?”

“Even if what you’re sayin’ is true, Natalie – "

“Don’t you dare deny it, Trip Tucker. I think you owe me a hell of a lot more than that.”

I think they both owe me a hell of a lot more than this conversation. An explanation, for instance. Dad’s in love with T’Pol? T’Pol returns it?

“Owe? What more could I possibly owe ya, Natalie? I’ve been completely and utterly devoted to you since the day you showed up on my doorstep with Charlie.”

Ouch. You know, it’s one thing to know you were an accident. It’s another entirely to hear your father say it.

“Only because you didn’t have a choice. The Vulcan tramp was already married to your supposed best friend, wasn’t she?”

“Don’t call her that.”

“Oh, of course not. The Vulcan is perfect and wonderful, isn’t she, Trip? So much on a pedestal that you can’t have her. Well, I hope you never do. It would serve you right to learn what it’s like to want something you can’t ever have.”

“What the hell would you know about wanting for anything, Natalie? For the entire two decades we’ve been married, you’ve always gotten your way. I married you. I agreed that Charlie was enough children. I attended your damn social events that I hated. I gave up any semblance of a career to remain here on Earth. You’ve wanted for nothin’.”

“You’re wrong, Trip. I’ve wanted for a husband that isn’t pining for someone else. I’ve wanted for a husband that doesn’t call out the name of someone else in his sleep. And now I want a husband that isn’t going to go off to have a galactic affair with the trollop now that his son has left home.”

“My job as a commissioner for Starfleet is going to keep me far away from T’Pol. I’ll never even see her, Nat.”

“And so help me, Trip, if you take this job, you’ll never see me again, either.” My mother laughs a short, bitter laugh before adding, “Not that I should think that matters to you.”

************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

A few door slams later, I manage to digest the information and make some semblance of a thought. My father never denied feeling anything for the Ambassador. That must mean he is in love with her. And he only married my mother because of me. Which I guess makes both their misery my fault.

I really shouldn’t have picked today to come home.

But it’s too late. I did come home, and something compels me to continue to the living room to see my father. I find him sitting on the couch. He’s hunched over, with his face buried in his hands. Oh, hell. I really hope he isn’t crying. I’ve only seen my father cry twice in my life, and both times it felt like my world was no longer spinning on its axis. The first time was when Grandma Tucker died. The second time was when I accidentally fell off a barn roof.

***
“What in the world ever possessed you to think you should climb a barn, Charles Tucker?”

“I know. But Charlie, ya don’t understand. When I heard what happened, I just felt so helpless. You were hurt, but there was nothin’ I could do.”

***

Damn. I feel that way right now. Parents aren’t supposed to cry. Maybe I should go. Comfort Mom? But no, she’s probably cryin’ too. And I already heard her side of things. I want to know Dad’s.

Should be easy enough. So, Dad, are you in love with Koval’s mom? Ugh. Maybe I should go.

“Hey, Charlie.” The sound of Dad’s voice startles me out of my thoughts. Raising my head to look at him, I’m startled at how old Dad looks. The face that always seemed to smile in my childhood is now drawn together in a frown. Not an angry frown, but the frown of someone who’s trying his hardest not to break down into sobs.

I wonder if he wants to cry over Mom or over Koval’s mom? I’d really prefer the angry frown. I’d know how to handle that.

The frown has only accented the deep wrinkles that cross his face. Sure, Dad’s always had wrinkles. But I’ve only noticed them under his eyes and around his mouth. Right now they appear as though they could over take his entire face at any given moment and suck the life right out of him with the shear force of the weight.

I really shouldn’t have come home today.

“Charlie?” my father repeats. He sounds concerned now, not as sad. Concerned is good. It’s certainly better than sad.

“Hey, Dad.” There should be more, but I seem to have lost the capacity to form the words. Damn.

Dad looks at me for a long moment, apparently having the same difficulty. So much for the insightful conversation I wanted to have. Finally, he manages, “So how much did you hear?”

“Is it true?”

“I’ve been offered a job as a Commissioner for Starfleet,” he says slowly, shaking his head. “I’m gonna take it, Charlie. I’d love for your momma to come too, but-"

“But she hates space travel and would never do it,” I finish for him.

He nods. “I’m sorry for breakin’ up your home, kiddo.”

I don’t know what to say to that, except, so I ignore it and ask, “Is the rest of what Mom claims true?”

Dad sucks in his breath, as though the very action of breathing is too tasking for him. Again, the mortality of my father is spookily evident. I try to push the thought away.

“About T’Pol?”

I nod. I wait, hoping the same gentle voice that used to quiet my fears as a child to do the same now. I need the same voice that smoothed away bad dreams to slay this demon just as he used to do to the red-eyed widgets that I believed lived under my bed. Please, Dad. Tell me it isn’t true. You aren’t in love with my best friend’s mom. Your marriage to Mom hasn’t been a sham. You didn’t toss away a lifetime of happiness because of me. No, no, no. Please say no.

There’s long enough of a pause that I wonder if he’s going to answer me. His eyes close and open, and close again. He doesn’t need to say the words out loud. He’s already answered me. Still, as I’m trying to process that information, he softly says, “Yes.” The one word seemed to sap the remaining life out of my father. He sinks back into the couch and closes the eyes again, even tighter.

That’s when I know I can’t be angry with him. I walk over to the couch and sit down beside him. For a few minutes, we just sit there, neither one willing – or able – to talk. Again, I wish I hadn’t came home. But I did, because I wanted Dad’s comfort. Turns out, I need to give him some comfort instead.

But how should I do that? Gee, Dad, I’m sorry you’re not in love with Mom? Ouch. I REALLY shouldn’t have come home today.

“I’m sorry, kiddo.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, Dad.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I should be anyway. I hurt you’re momma, and I never meant to. I hurt ya and I never meant to. I hurt T’Pol and I never meant to. If the Admiral ever knew, it’d kill ‘em, I think. And I never meant to.”

Knew what? “If the Admiral knew what? That you were in love with his wife?”

He winces. Okay, I could have a little more tact. No wonder Koval yelled at me today. Why don’t I have any manners? “I mean, did you and Ambassador T’Pol ever-ya know. . . um, were you . . . together?” Ugh, how could I have asked that? Is that even something I want to know? No. Absolutely not.

It’s too late, though, because I already asked it. And Dad’s already given me another non-Verbal response. Oh, hell. They were. They did. Shit, shit, shit. This is . . . I need to go.

But I can’t move from my spot on the couch. “Was it before ya knew about me?”

Dad gives me a funny look. “Yeah, it was long before I knew about ya, Charlie. Before the Admiral and T’Pol were married.”

So, I didn’t screw up your happiness? Well, that doesn’t make any sense. “If it was before the Admiral married T’Pol and before you knew about me, then why . . . ?”

No, don’t cry again. Please? Not hearing my silent plea, Dad sniffles and wipes his sleeve. “The Admiral was already in love with her, Charlie. I was tryin’ not to break his heart.”

“But. . .“ No, it’s better not to point out that according to Koval, his parents aren’t happy anyway. Let me exercise some tact. “Is what Mom says about T’Pol returnin’ it true?”

Drooping his head slightly, my father nods. “Hell. . . she knew before I did.” I can see how much that concession cost him and I feel like I should stop this questioning. But I can’t. There’s so much more I need to know.
“I don’t understand. If she was in love with you, and you were in love with her, why on Earth didn’t ya end up together?”
My father takes a minute to run his hands through his hair. It’s so gray. “I thought I was doin’ the right thing, Charlie. I thought it was honorable.”

“Oh, fuck honor!” It’s out before I can take it back and clearly startles my father. “What’s with you and Koval, anyway? Why must honor always take precedence over personal happiness?”

Dad’s only response is a sigh. Guess I over-reacted. Again. “I’m sorry, Dad.”

He shakes his head. “No, kiddo, it’s me that’s sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done, everything I didn’t do, and I’m sorry for havin’ to go.”

“Dad, I understand your leavin’. Now that I’m gone, there’s no reason to stay with Mom anymore and being around the Ambassador every day’s gotta hurt.”

“Yes, it certainly does,” he admits.

There’s such pain in those words. “A change in scenery’ll do ya good. Do ya know where you’re goin’ to be stationed?”

“Initially at the Kowl colony,” Dad responds.

Well, he’ll get to see Captain Mayweather more often. I didn’t expect it to be so far away. But then, I guess that’s the point of Dad taking the position, isn’t it? “I’ll miss ya, Dad.”

“I know, Charlie. But I’ll ALWAYS be here for ya, ya know that. And I’m sorry that I can’t stay. And I’m sorry that you’re momma’s gonna probably want a divorce, because of it.”

I turn and clasp his shoulder firmly. “Dad. Stop apologizing. I’m staring my senior year at the Academy in July. I’m old enough to take care of myself. As for Mom. . . I’m sorry ya don’t have feelings for her, Dad. And part of me is irritated at stayin’ with her, when ya love someone else. But, she chose to stay too, when she clearly knew that you were in love with someone else. And no matter what, you were always a wonderful father.”

Damn it. Why is the man tearing up again? That speech was supposed to make him happier! Damnit, damnit, damnit. I can’t handle it anymore. I really do have to go. I stand up.

“Thanks, Charlie,” Dad says, also rising. He grabs me in a hug that momentarily makes it hard to breathe, but I can’t find the ability to protest anywhere. It feels rather nice, truth be told. I savior it, for all the times that he’ll be too far away for me to hug. But I don’t tell him that. After all, Dad’s spent the past eighteen odd years sacrificing things to make others happy. It’s about damn time he did something to make himself happy.

*************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

I’m already out the door by the time I realize that I didn’t get to talk to Dad about Koval. Oh, hell. Somehow, given the importance of the revelations, my spat with Koval just doesn’t seem important anymore.

To my surprise, Maggie is leaning casually against the shuttlepod, still waiting for me. “Hey, it’s about time you were done. Rant enough?” she asks.

“Yeah, thanks for waitin’, Maggie.”

“Hey, I come from dependable stock, you know. I am a Reed, after all.”

I bite down the impulse to tell her that she possibly has the sanest former Enterprise crew member as her parent. “Just be glad you aren’t a Tucker or an Archer. We’re all screwed up.”

“What?”

“Never mind. Let’s go.” I can’t tell her the revelations, of course. I can’t tell anyone. Not even Koval, I guess.

On the way back to Starfleet, I mentally count the time left until Dad takes off for the Kowl colony. He’s not leaving until July. By then, I’ll have started my last year at the Academy.

Oh, hell. Maybe it’s a good thing that Koval isn’t choosing to do what makes him happy. By coming to the Academy, he’ll be able to help me get over the pain of loosing Dad. I guess maybe I should apologize to him, in that case.

Speaking of Koval, I’m never going to be able to look at him with a serious face and be able to call him, “sa-kai” without thinking how close he came to actually being my biological brother. If only Dad and Ambassador T’Pol hadn’t been so stupid in their choices. . .

I’ve heard of alternate universes before, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s possible that out of all the other universes, there’s one in which that actually happened. I’d like to visit that universe someday. But then again, I’d have to come back. Given how everything has turned out for everyone that I love in this universe, I’m not so sure I’d be willing to do so.

************^^^^^^^^^^^^*************

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