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Confessions: Part IIAuthor - Triplover | C | Genre - Angst | Main Story | Rating - PG-13
Fan Fiction Main Page | Stories sorted by title, author, genre, and rating Confessions: Part II By Triplover Disclaimer: Nope, don’t own it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ T’Pol’s POV I refuse to look at him. I know if I look up he will see the tears in my eyes that I won’t let fall… he is leaving and I do not know what to do. I can feel his gaze on me as I pretend to work, but it is useless. My mind is set on him. What does he want from me? Why does he continue to push me? I cannot do this. I won’t do this. I will not let my emotions for him take control. I am Vulcan, and therefore must make sacrifices, my parents taught me that. My father taught me that, and yet just a simple touch or look from him and I am brought to my knees. Does he even realize how many emotions I must fight each day at the simple sight of him? I cannot continue like this. There is only one way for me to be as I was. I still remember the emotions I experienced when I chose to inject Trellium-D into my blood stream. They were so strong… and almost all of them were for him. It is only he that evokes the strongest emotions that now dwell inside me. Emotions I dare not face. But what did you expect? Think of all that you’ve done with him, shared with him. You trusted him beyond all others… even Captain Archer, and now he is with you always. It is true, I have done this. I should have expected this outcome. I have never been so close to a man the way I have with Trip. I have poured out my soul to him so many times, even if he did not realize it. I poured out my soul to him that day he cried before me. He thought that suppressing emotions made Vulcans a more desirable race, but we do not mourn as he does. We do not cry for the dead. We accept death. Even if we feel sorrow for the death of friends and family we do not let it out, we push it in… deep inside us. If he only knew how painful it is to keep pain hidden, suppressed. Still, that is not the only thing I have done. I have willingly shared another part of myself… though this is on a more physical level. What could have possessed me to be with him that night? To this day I do not know, though I choose to blame the Trellium for this act. It was not Trellium alone that night that allowed me to share with him the way I did, showing him my feelings through that illogical act. I did not just want him. I needed him. I needed to be with him that night, or at least a part of me did. It was a part deep inside me that yearned for his touch, his love. It was as if I were being controlled. As we fought about our interest in one another, all I could think of was what his lips would feel like on mine. Though I had kissed his clone, Sim… the thought would not go away. Would it be different? The same? How would it feel to kiss the real thing? Insanity… perhaps that was the feeling deep inside. As we spoke and I learned of his attraction for me I felt the feeling grow stronger, that need to be with him. The urge took over everything. I was captive to him. My only wish was to feel skin over skin. I wanted him in the most intimate way, and it was only afterward that I realized my lack of discipline. I wanted to tell him, wanted him to know that what I felt in that moment was real, but I could not. Would not. If only he knew. If only I could tell him this… and so much more. I can feel his eyes still on me and I think of all that I wish to tell him, but cannot. There is so much I want to say, but only a few of them are important. I have a confession, Trip… my confession. Trip, you cannot possibly understand the powerful emotions you evoke in me. If you felt them with me, even then you could not possibly comprehend. They are so powerful not even I comprehend sometimes. From the moment I saw you, though you would never know, I could feel myself being drawn to you. You seemed to be like every other Human I’ve ever known, and yet… there was something about you… something different. I cannot explain this feeling. I cannot even describe it. I can only say it was there. There is so much that you do not know about me, understand about me. I am, after all, twice your age. I have seen more, experienced more, than you will ever know, unless our minds were joined. I have done many things I am not pleased with. Then there are other things I have done that bring me great pleasure. With you, neither definition works. I am not displeased with what I have done with you, but I can never accept that what has happened between us is good. You will never understand what it is to be Vulcan, and therefore you cannot know why I feel this way. It is hard to describe. When Sim told me of your feelings, it was only then that I realized how deeply I cared for you, though my inability to meditate after your accident should have been my first clue. I did not want to lose you, it is as simple as that. I kept thinking about all the days I would walk to engineering and never see you smile in that way, a way only for me. I kept seeing our dinners with the Captain, how much better it felt having you there with me. I kept thinking about the jokes you would tell me over neuropressure. Most of all, though, there was one thought that took over all others. I kept thinking… how much you filled my life with joy. When you smile, I can feel a warmth run through me that my logic cannot understand. When you cry, my entire world comes crashing down, falling into a pit of despair. How is that possible? How is it possible that you could do this to me? Do all Humans who are close to one another feel like this? Is it natural for you to depend so much on another? I am afraid. It is one of the emotions I let free when I took Trellium-D, and it is one of the strongest that I must face… only I don’t. I let it live inside me, taking control. I push you away and I know the only reason I do this is because of my fear. I fear what you do to me. I fear how deeply you control me. I fear how deeply I depend on you. I fear you. I know it is not Vulcan, but what is? I do not even know anymore. I feel so confused. I try so hard to be who I was, yet I do not even know that woman. She had no feelings. She had no worries. She did not need you to continue on. I look back at her, and know I would never want to be that woman, and yet another part of me (the part that is afraid) wishes to go back. Do you live with these feelings every day? They grow too big to ignore now. Sometimes the emotions grow so strong I have come to cry all night. Do you know this? Do you know how in conflict I am? You may feel as if I am pushing you away, but do you know how hard I try each day to push myself away? We are both trapped, trapped in this strange emotion called love, neither able to get away or do something about it. I want so badly to do something, but then the Vulcan in me keeps me captive, not letting me love you. When I want to touch you, tell you how I feel, the logical side in me holds my hands away and covers my mouth from saying a word. Do you know this? Can you even begin to understand how deep in conflict I am? Perhaps one day one side of me will win, but until then I am captive to this Vulcan controlling me. When I met my other self, I looked into her eyes and knew that in her universe she had won. She had defeated the Vulcan and used it to accept who she was, yet still keep in control. I believe she is the only Vulcan I will ever know who is content with the life she leads. She loved you so much, Trip. More than you could ever know. I could see it, feel it, this deep love for what was gone. She had a life with you, her Trip had married her, they’d had a child together, and they had been happy. I want to be happy too, and yet even now I still do not know what to do. She told me to follow my heart. My heart is in conflict. How can I follow it? The battle must end before I can know… know what destiny I will lead and what fate I will have. My only hope is… that one day the battle will be over, and after my triumph you will still be waiting for me. Until then I suffer, suffer as no Vulcan ever has. I miss your touch so much, need it to keep going. I do not want you to leave me, even if I can’t have you near. If only there was a way, a way I could make you see what your leaving me would do. I would lose the war, Trip. I would be lost forever, always wanting you, but never being able to do a thing because of the Vulcan keeping me prisoner. Perhaps I was going about this the wrong way. Perhaps it was never my heart that I should follow… maybe it was yours. Please Trip, lend me your heart… so that I may find my way to you…. That is my confession, a confession you can never know. If only you could hear it. If only I could tell it. If only…. I can feel your eyes finally leave me, and yet it only proves to bring more sorrow, it crashes against me with such force that I must close my eyes to keep it controlled. I can hear your footsteps, and I open my eyes to look up at him. My eyes follow yours only to see the pain shooting through you; it is so visible, my heart contracts in pain. These are my confessions, Trip… please hear me. I need you to understand, to know the truth I continue to hide. You walks into the turbolift, no longer in sight, and I feel more alone now than I ever have before. If only you could know the truth that I hide even from myself. If only you could know the biggest confession of all. If only you could know… the secret not even I dare face… perhaps if I were human I could finally be free to love him…. The End
Continued in Confessions: Part III Have a comment to make about this story? Do so in the Trip Fan Fiction forum at the HoTBBS! A whole mess of folks have made commentsJust to let Ya know, I hate crying. Why did ya have to go and make this one so full of sorrow? Heck if you were to rename this one I think "Vulcan pain" would be perfect. No....I....won't.....cry!!!! Oh that is soooo sad!!! *starts to cry* LOve it, we need more insights into t'pols relationship views in the show. Very believable LOve it, we need more insights into t'pols relationship views in the show. Very believable LOve it, we need more insights into t'pols relationship views in the show. Very believable This is very good and though my heart goes out to T'Pol so does my frustration. She should listen to her older alternate self, the one she envies but will not emulate. T'Pol talks about her suffering and is tied into that mindset not realising how much she is hurting Trip. If she cannot find the courage to say what is in her heart she should show him through a mind meld. Actions after all speak louder than words. It is only logical... Ali D :~) Sigh... this is good... this is REALLY good... I so wish these two would actually TALK to each other (on the show)... Wow. That's all I can say, wow. That was... beautiful. Thank you. :) So beautiful, so sad! Very believable... perhaps, now that T'Pol knows she can perform the meld, she will do so with trip. It's probably the only way she can show him what she feels without betraying her inner Vulcan... *tears up* Quoting from your story: "My heart is in conflict. How can I follow it? The battle must end before I can know… know what destiny I will lead and what fate I will have. My only hope is… that one day the battle will be over, and after my triumph you will still be waiting for me." It *so* perfectly describes why she is doing what she is doing... she's at war. Thank you so much for your very believable fic. I hate to cry. You´re too good at what you do.... I hate to cry. You that song from Nazareth "Love hurts"? True. You´re too good at what you do... |